asked friend for help & he got mad cuz I didn't understand

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LivingInParentheses
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04 Nov 2015, 10:04 am

:(

I try not to let this stuff get to me but seriously. I read something that didn't make sense to me so I asked him if he could help me to understand it. He explained it and I responded by saying "but that doesn't make sense, because I see it like this..." and explained how I see it. He said "nope, it's right now it is" but didn't clarify. So I said "but what about the fact that..." and explained how I see it again, but differently so that he would understand my question this time. He said "I give up".

I said "but wait, I know it's frustrating and I'm sorry, but can you just help me get how it's not the same thing as..." and gave an analogy to help explain my point of view and my confusion....

his reply was "Just stop."

I had to end the conversation because my feelings were so hurt. I tried to apologize and own the fact that I jsut don't understand, and tried every way I know how to explain myself, and I even had to go WAY out of my confort zone just to ask him if he could help me understand, just admitting the confusion was hard for me.

Why do they act like this? I said "I'm not being intentionally difficult, I just don't understand why that's the case, because..." and explained my reasons.

What should I have done differently? I feel so bad right now I could just cry and that isn't much like me. This sucks. I'm going to lose my only friend, it's hard enough he's half a planet away from me and we will never meet in person, but it was worth it to have someone understand me most of the time.

This feels horrible. :(


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Eisbaer
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04 Nov 2015, 10:18 am

I've had issues with people like this all my life. In my experience, people who get "frustrated" so quickly are naturally emotional manipulators. An apologetic response to quick frustration puts them in the drivers seat as soon as they realize you are fragile and prone to guilt. This sort of thing has been used against me many, many times and only recently have I faced the fact that I allow(ed) myself to be repeatedly bent and swayed or just taken advantage of and started learning from a good counselor how to hold my own against a world seemingly full of people like this.

I'm not saying your friend is a manipulator by choice, I'm saying that this sort of behavior seems intuitive in NT's as part of the social game they are hard wired to play. I actually lost an internet friend of 8 years the other day due to a VERY similar situation, only it was I who ended the friendship because I couldn't tolerate her... intolerance... any longer.

As for advice on how you could have handled it differently? What works for me is to invest a lot less in any given conversation and to offer opinions or advice with great reservation. NT's have a way of asking for these in a rhetorical way and I think it's best to first offer empty sympathies like "oh that sucks, sorry" and see if they press further for advice / opinions.

P.S. I'm in Upstate NY, too :D



LivingInParentheses
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04 Nov 2015, 10:27 am

Hi, Eisbaer, and thanks for replying. Funny how "upstate NY" really means "not NYC", isn't it? LOL drives me nuts to say I'm on the PA border yet it's UPSTATE.

Thing about this friend is that he's "like me" and sometime even more so. I would venture a guess that he's also on the spectrum but once in awhile this happens and I don't understand if I was suppopsed to say "thank you for confirming that it is written correctly, and sorry for not understanding either it or your attempt at explaining".... but thing is, I *did* say that!! Just in case I was making him annoyed!

But he still just couldn't understand my question, or respond kindly. I would've appreciated him saying "Well I've tried to explain it and don't know any other way, but trust me, it's written correctly, and I hope you have luck finding someone else who can explain it"... but I guess because he IS so much like me/aspie-like, maybe I should try to cut him some slack in the way he replied to me and just chalk it up to him having iffy social skills, but the fact that he said "Just stop" was offensive to me, bigtime. I felt like he was saying "you're being intentionally difficult, stop wasting my time with this crap", and that's insulting. :(

bleh. if he was completely NT I'd chalk it up to that and just resent NTs over it, but he's not... so I don't get what I did wrong because it was probably me because he's NOT NT.... if that makes any sense....


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~ ( Living in Parentheses ) - female aspie, diagnosed at 42 ~
BAP: 132 aloof, 121 rigid, 84 pragmatic // Cambridge Face Memory Test: 62% // AQ: 39


kraftiekortie
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04 Nov 2015, 10:50 am

I'd be interested to know what you "don't understand" LOL



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04 Nov 2015, 10:54 am

Hi, LP. I hope you feel better soon. The way I see it, since Aspergians see the world in different ways than NTs, it often leads to misunderstandings when NTs can't see how we see, even when it's so obvious to us. It's good that you tried to explain it to him in a way that he would understand! :)


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Eisbaer
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04 Nov 2015, 10:57 am

lol yes I hear you on the "not NYC" thing, I am in the Finger Lakes region (mm wine ^_^) and people from out of state always assume "I'm from New York" actually means I eat primarily deli food / pizza and prefer concrete to plant-life.

It's worth noting the differences in male and female ASD presentation, but there is a grey area many men and women fall into as well. Many AS males behave like Sheldon Cooper but so do some AS females. Many AS females are like you -quite sensitive and prone to prolonged mulling- but so are some AS males. I am a lot like you but I have a few "classic" male Aspie traits as well. If your friend is non NT, he may just be a stereotypical male Aspie.

In either case, if you believe he's not being manipulative it's going to be a LOT easier to let things like this slide and change the subject. If his being annoyed doesn't subside within a few minutes of a topic change, maybe leave him be for the day? Sometimes people just need to be left alone for a short period because they can't shift gears too easily.



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04 Nov 2015, 10:58 am

That's really mean :(.

I think perhaps he's not really your friend... :-/. Don't worry though because not everyone is like that.

Then again perhaps I'm wrong and he had a bad day. I have friends from across the world too. Maybe you could wait a few days before trying to chat again but don't bring up the problem again


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Last edited by starfox on 04 Nov 2015, 11:00 am, edited 1 time in total.

kraftiekortie
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04 Nov 2015, 10:59 am

I'm from NYC, and I prefer trees to concrete.



Kuraudo777
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04 Nov 2015, 11:03 am

I love trees and nature, so I would never be able to live in a city like Toronto.


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A memory is something that has to be consciously recalled, right? That's why sometimes it can be mistaken and a different thing. But it's different from a memory locked deep within your heart. Words aren't the only way to tell someone how you feel.” Tifa Lockheart, Final Fantasy VII


kraftiekortie
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04 Nov 2015, 11:08 am

Let me tell about London, an extremely large city.

Each neighborhood there has at least one decent-sized park.



Kuraudo777
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04 Nov 2015, 11:11 am

I like the country best. If you mean London, Ontario, I've been there. It's pretty nice.


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A memory is something that has to be consciously recalled, right? That's why sometimes it can be mistaken and a different thing. But it's different from a memory locked deep within your heart. Words aren't the only way to tell someone how you feel.” Tifa Lockheart, Final Fantasy VII


kraftiekortie
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04 Nov 2015, 11:17 am

I like this place called Hoosick Falls, NY, near the Vermont border--anybody know about that place?

Sorry, Ms Parenthesis...I'm off topic!



Adamantium
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04 Nov 2015, 11:18 am

LivingInParentheses wrote:
I try not to let this stuff get to me but seriously. I read something that didn't make sense to me so I asked him if he could help me to understand it. He explained it and I responded by saying "but that doesn't make sense, because I see it like this..." and explained how I see it.


It sounds like you were not so much interested in understanding his explanation for how this thing should be seen, but in explaining your own interpretation. It sounds like you asked him for an explanation and then rejected it because you were fixated on your own.

One possible interpretation: That's not him being manipulative, that's you asking the impossible.

Anyone would be frustrated trying to respond to that. I'm sure you would be frustrated if someone asked you to explain your perceptions, but then told you why they thought you were wrong and should see things a different way.

If he is a friend, this incident will not have damaged that friendship. Just do something nice with him next without arguing about his interpretations of things and you will both get over this.



Kuraudo777
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04 Nov 2015, 11:19 am

Feel free to go on over to my thread, Kraftie, if you'd like to chat more!


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A memory is something that has to be consciously recalled, right? That's why sometimes it can be mistaken and a different thing. But it's different from a memory locked deep within your heart. Words aren't the only way to tell someone how you feel.” Tifa Lockheart, Final Fantasy VII


Eisbaer
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04 Nov 2015, 11:23 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I'm from NYC, and I prefer trees to concrete.


I'm sure most city dwellers do in fact prefer trees to concrete... It's just that where I live it's trees, grass, water and wild animals that comprise the majority of stuff I see daily :P