asked friend for help & he got mad cuz I didn't understand

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I try not to let this stuff get to me but seriously. I read something that didn't make sense to me so I asked him if he could help me to understand it. He explained it and I responded by saying "but that doesn't make sense, because I see it like this..." and explained how I see it. He said "nope, it's right now it is" but didn't clarify. So I said "but what about the fact that..." and explained how I see it again, but differently so that he would understand my question this time. He said "I give up".

I said "but wait, I know it's frustrating and I'm sorry, but can you just help me get how it's not the same thing as..." and gave an analogy to help explain my point of view and my confusion....

his reply was "Just stop."

I had to end the conversation because my feelings were so hurt. I tried to apologize and own the fact that I jsut don't understand, and tried every way I know how to explain myself, and I even had to go WAY out of my confort zone just to ask him if he could help me understand, just admitting the confusion was hard for me.

Why do they act like this? I said "I'm not being intentionally difficult, I just don't understand why that's the case, because..." and explained my reasons.

What should I have done differently? I feel so bad right now I could just cry and that isn't much like me. This sucks. I'm going to lose my only friend, it's hard enough he's half a planet away from me and we will never meet in person, but it was worth it to have someone understand me most of the time.

This feels horrible.

I've had issues with people like this all my life. In my experience, people who get "frustrated" so quickly are naturally emotional manipulators. An apologetic response to quick frustration puts them in the drivers seat as soon as they realize you are fragile and prone to guilt. This sort of thing has been used against me many, many times and only recently have I faced the fact that I allow(ed) myself to be repeatedly bent and swayed or just taken advantage of and started learning from a good counselor how to hold my own against a world seemingly full of people like this.

I'm not saying your friend is a manipulator by choice, I'm saying that this sort of behavior seems intuitive in NT's as part of the social game they are hard wired to play. I actually lost an internet friend of 8 years the other day due to a VERY similar situation, only it was I who ended the friendship because I couldn't tolerate her... intolerance... any longer.

As for advice on how you could have handled it differently? What works for me is to invest a lot less in any given conversation and to offer opinions or advice with great reservation. NT's have a way of asking for these in a rhetorical way and I think it's best to first offer empty sympathies like "oh that sucks, sorry" and see if they press further for advice / opinions.

P.S. I'm in Upstate NY, too

Hi, Eisbaer, and thanks for replying. Funny how "upstate NY" really means "not NYC", isn't it? LOL drives me nuts to say I'm on the PA border yet it's UPSTATE.

Thing about this friend is that he's "like me" and sometime even more so. I would venture a guess that he's also on the spectrum but once in awhile this happens and I don't understand if I was suppopsed to say "thank you for confirming that it is written correctly, and sorry for not understanding either it or your attempt at explaining".... but thing is, I *did* say that!! Just in case I was making him annoyed!

But he still just couldn't understand my question, or respond kindly. I would've appreciated him saying "Well I've tried to explain it and don't know any other way, but trust me, it's written correctly, and I hope you have luck finding someone else who can explain it"... but I guess because he IS so much like me/aspie-like, maybe I should try to cut him some slack in the way he replied to me and just chalk it up to him having iffy social skills, but the fact that he said "Just stop" was offensive to me, bigtime. I felt like he was saying "you're being intentionally difficult, stop wasting my time with this crap", and that's insulting.

bleh. if he was completely NT I'd chalk it up to that and just resent NTs over it, but he's not... so I don't get what I did wrong because it was probably me because he's NOT NT.... if that makes any sense....

I'd be interested to know what you "don't understand" LOL

Hi, LP. I hope you feel better soon. The way I see it, since Aspergians see the world in different ways than NTs, it often leads to misunderstandings when NTs can't see how we see, even when it's so obvious to us. It's good that you tried to explain it to him in a way that he would understand!

lol yes I hear you on the "not NYC" thing, I am in the Finger Lakes region (mm wine ^_^) and people from out of state always assume "I'm from New York" actually means I eat primarily deli food / pizza and prefer concrete to plant-life.

It's worth noting the differences in male and female ASD presentation, but there is a grey area many men and women fall into as well. Many AS males behave like Sheldon Cooper but so do some AS females. Many AS females are like you -quite sensitive and prone to prolonged mulling- but so are some AS males. I am a lot like you but I have a few "classic" male Aspie traits as well. If your friend is non NT, he may just be a stereotypical male Aspie.

In either case, if you believe he's not being manipulative it's going to be a LOT easier to let things like this slide and change the subject. If his being annoyed doesn't subside within a few minutes of a topic change, maybe leave him be for the day? Sometimes people just need to be left alone for a short period because they can't shift gears too easily.

That's really mean .

I think perhaps he's not really your friend... :-/. Don't worry though because not everyone is like that.

Then again perhaps I'm wrong and he had a bad day. I have friends from across the world too. Maybe you could wait a few days before trying to chat again but don't bring up the problem again

Last edited by starfox on 04 Nov 2015, 11:00 am, edited 1 time in total.

I'm from NYC, and I prefer trees to concrete.

I love trees and nature, so I would never be able to live in a city like Toronto.

Let me tell about London, an extremely large city.

Each neighborhood there has at least one decent-sized park.

I like the country best. If you mean London, Ontario, I've been there. It's pretty nice.

I like this place called Hoosick Falls, NY, near the Vermont border--anybody know about that place?

Sorry, Ms Parenthesis...I'm off topic!

It sounds like you were not so much interested in understanding his explanation for how this thing should be seen, but in explaining your own interpretation. It sounds like you asked him for an explanation and then rejected it because you were fixated on your own.

One possible interpretation: That's not him being manipulative, that's you asking the impossible.

Anyone would be frustrated trying to respond to that. I'm sure you would be frustrated if someone asked you to explain your perceptions, but then told you why they thought you were wrong and should see things a different way.

If he is a friend, this incident will not have damaged that friendship. Just do something nice with him next without arguing about his interpretations of things and you will both get over this.

Feel free to go on over to my thread, Kraftie, if you'd like to chat more!

I'm sure most city dwellers do in fact prefer trees to concrete... It's just that where I live it's trees, grass, water and wild animals that comprise the majority of stuff I see daily

One thing I've noticed is that some people take any questions and/or discussion as an argument. My mom does this a lot. It seems like in my mind, we're having a good discussion, but in her mind, we're having an argument. We'll be talking, and then all of a sudden she will get angry and tell me to stop arguing with her, which then leaves me feeling confused and upset that our discussion is unfinished. If I try to bring it up again later, she'll usually get annoyed right away and tell me to stop talking about whatever it is.

I wonder if something like that is what happened with your friend? Maybe when you told him that what he said didn't make sense and explained it the way you saw it, he misinterpreted that as you arguing with him and trying to prove him wrong when he was just trying to help you, so he got annoyed at you. And then when you added more facts to your point of view after he explained again, he got even more annoyed and told you to stop.

I'm not sure that there's anything you could do differently in the future if this is the case. I have noticed that some people can only talk about things in short bursts. When I have a problem, I like to talk it out until some kind of conclusion or solution to the problem is reached, but it seems like most other people only like to discuss things for a few minutes and then come back to it later for a few more minutes. Maybe trying to keep any similar discussions in the future short would be less frustrating for your friend? Maybe you can say you'll think about what he said, and then hours or a day or two later, tell him you've thought about it and have some questions or whatever. And try to explain to him that you aren't trying to say he is wrong -- you're just trying to understand.

I have no idea if this is really the problem you two are having, but what you've written just sounds very similar to the issues I have with some people, so I hope it might be helpful to you. I doubt you have ruined your friendship over this, I would say just give him a bit of space for now and don't mention the discussion you were having again, unless he does. But like I said, I really don't know if this applies.

Last edited by Quill on 04 Nov 2015, 11:37 am, edited 4 times in total.