i'm so lost and lonely

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hi i'm a 26 year old male with aspergers. I feel totally lost and alone right now. i feel pure despair and hopelessness. its all a long story my background and wat got me to where i am today so i am going to try to just cover the basics and that to make this post as short as i can.

I was bullied very badly at school, on a scale of 1-10 the bullying i recieved was about a 9- 9.5 in severity. It was so bad that eventually i just gave up and i left school early before taking my exams. I have tried to move on from my school days but it still haunts me, the anger,sadness and the pain is still there.

But anyway after i left early people told me that i should try to get into some sort of training or apprenticeship right away, they said more is open to you as a teen then it is later on, people said this so many times but at the time i did not want to listen, i had shut off and all i wanted to do was stay in my room, i had developed obsessions with certain tv shows and would watch them obsessively. i was also becoming addicted to the internet and would spend hours online.

Eventually when i realised i had been lying around in my room for too long and that i needed to get sorted i tried various college courses and things but i could never stick at anything. Sometimes it was because it honestly wasn't right for me, other times it was because i gave up to easily when it got hard rather than face the challenge and maybe if i had stuck it out it might have worked out.

I had zero friends having not kept in touch with anyone from school and this was also when i made attempts to meet new people. I used the internet mostly as i was becoming increasingly dependant on it. i'm gay and i joined various websites and attended a number of their meets. I also met people from other sites and i was able to make friends initially but the problem was sustaining it. Sometimes they would back off when they realised i was different and they backed away, sometimes it was me backing off because i got scared and couldn't deal with it.

Anyway i left school at 15 and at 26 now i have no friends,i have some online 'friends' but no one i can meet up with for real to go park on a sunny day or go the pub or cinema, no one i can turn to for support and a cuddle when i need it,and that hurts. sure i have family and thats important but having no real friends hurts,

What hurts more is i know i had so many oppurtunitys, i had more opportunitys than some aspies will have and i blew it all. You only get so many chances and i have used all mine up now. Before there were opportunities but i couldn't see them at the time, or wouldn't see them, time and again i let things slip by. Now i sit here with a terrible coldness, emptyness inside. there is nothing there now, i am 26 many of the opportunites early on have gone and the people and groups i got involved with and then backed away from don't want to know me anymore, I feel lost. i have no friends no job, no partner. its been 10 years since i walked out of school and i've achieved nothing. i have tried things, so many things, such as like i said the various college and training courses, the trying to meet new friends. But also i had driving lessons for 2 years and after 3 failed tests i gave up. Everything is a stuggle for me, literally everything. The effort of trying to socialise, living with bein gay plus having aspergers, both can cause so many difficulties. I used to turn to food for comfort but now its drink, this worries me too. I am drinking most nights now.

I still feel pain over wat happened at school, i don't think it will ever leave me and i think it is a big reason why i sit here now at 26 and feel so sad, it is behind everything since and my struggles. I am young i should be enjoying life but i just feel tired, who should feel tired at 26? i am ready to give up.

But what scares me the most is the future, 26 is still young and right now all i see is a dark, empty tunnel ahead of me, i don't see things getting better. How am i supposed to get thru the years ahead feeling so empty and lost? It's bleak and it scares me, death does not seem such a bad idea in comparison

i don't know what to do?

thanks if you managed to read all of this long post x

Hello,

It sounds to me like you need help, you need to find someone professional that you can talk to about your school days and try to move on from it. then you will feel better about yourself.

Maybe your family could help you too.

Try not to spend too much time on your own, it gives you too much time to think about things.

hey
have you tried therapy of some sort? i don't know much about it, but it sounds like you could really do with someone to help you come to terms with what happened when you was at school.
try not to be too hard on yourself, what's done is done. &at least you've tried to do things- I've spent the last year or so not even doing that. don't give up(:

like your name btw

I can relate to you in a lot of ways. I dropped out of school when I was 16 (I'm 20 now), just recently got my drivers license (only took me 4 years...), have an extremely difficult time socializing and understanding people, rarely leave the house, and I don't have many friends. I'm currently focusing on getting my GED, which leads me to my next point.

You gotta take it one step at a time. For starters, drop the booze. Alcohol does nothing but amplify your problems. Easier said then done, I know, but drinking only makes things worse in the long run. I was dealing with some substance problems about a year ago, nothing major, but it was becoming a problem. I finally just told myself enough is enough and promised myself that I was going start living a more healthy life. I found that exercising really helped with my substance problems.

Secondly, if you can, try and get some therapy. It always helps when you can talk to someone about your problems, and It sounds like you're dealing with a lot, especially the issues that you had in school. Bullying is a disgusting act that wreaks havoc on another person's confidence and self-image, and I'm sorry that you had to deal with it on such a large scale...

Thirdly, I think you should give another shot at trying to get your license. I think that would do a lot for your confidence. I had an NT (neurotypical) friend who failed his test 4 times before he finally passed. Remember, It's not how many times you fall that matters, it's how many times you get back up.

Do you have any artistic ability in you? Some AS types are visual, and learning regular college courses can be difficult. You may not even realize it, but you probably have some very useful skill in art you're not even noticing.

Took me 38 years, but I finally realized I'm a good art director, even though I can't draw a box. I just have a good eye for form.

26 was a horrible age for me. I was also very much alone, drinking too much, hopeless. I just kept trying, trying. This was before I knew anything about ASD or even that I was remotely on the spectrum. I agree with trying again for your license. Anything to use as inspiration. I also found a therapist at the time, and for a long time he was my only "friend". So I quit drinking at 27 through AA, and my life has improved so much. I met someone there and we have been married and now have children. I still struggle with what I actually want to DO in life, but I am kind of lucky to be able to "hide out" being a mom for now.

Our situations aren't the same, but I just identified so much with the pain you are feeling right now. When you're in it, it seems hopeless. But take it from someone who is looking back on it, things can change for the better, rapidly sometimes, and then like me you'll say "I would never want to go through my 20's again!" It gets better.