Meltdowns again

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Well.. my 1st topic about them actually.. well.. in the past year I think anyway.

I was wondering not being diagnosed what a meltdown is exactly. I've taken tests for AS online and have been told that i've had the symptoms. As well as have looked at the youtube videos of several aspies.

I've never really had what people on here describe as a meltdown, maybe.. a shutdown when I was under too much stress. In highschool, I developed tics that occurred whenever I was incredibly stressed out or anxious about something.

I never really had anything I 'think' even resembled a meltdown until my grandmother passed away over a month ago. She was the closest person in my life.. and losing her was such a serious blow. I get these almost tantrums where I can't stop kicking and punching anything nearby. It was really hard to control myself in the funeral home, I felt like doing these things as opposed to crying. Its still with me now and it happens whenever I think about it.. or her.

All the achievements I wanted her to see me accomplish and all the hardships I wanted her to see me get over. Anyway, I just don't know if this resembles a meltdown or something else entirely.

I also wonder what exactly it is. I don't think I had meltdowns when I was a child, at least I can't remember any. I was told I was a very quite child and toddler.

Today, many people tell me that I've got agressional issues since I can get angry rapidly when I'm stressed out or other things (but I almost only do this at home). So I'll often find myself doing or saying things I didn't want to, and find myself very surprised and shocked after an aggressive burst of anger and trying to tell everyone I didn't want to do/say whatever and nobody believes it. And I can only wonder what's happened to me at such moments.
Also sometimes (again in very stressing situations) I will feel like I've run empty of serotonin; then I will want to just lie down and do nothing at all. In fact I'm not able to do much at all, whatever I do takes longer. It's a very apathetic and lethargic state of being. If I want to read I'm not able to since I don't register the words, If I have to talk,...it's the same. This has happened to me at times when I had to study for an exam, it prevented me from learning. It lasts for a day or two....it almost feels like a miniature depression but more intense.

Another notable reaction: I can't stand the sound of loud breathing, so when I was younger, I'd go more than angry, I'd try everything to make it stop (which would end in confrotations often). Once my father tried to tease me with this when I was a child, so I took my musical instruments and played them as loud as I could to not listen to it, it didn't work, so I went to my father's bed where he was lying and took a pillow and pressed it against him (not like suffocating but like trying to make him stop doing it). I'd often also kick him when he did this.
Nowadays I don't do this at all but it's because I avoid such situations at all costs and when I'm invariably confronted with such a situation I try not to focus on it and breath deeply and tell myself it's okay....

There are also rare times where I'd cry uncontrollably, not being able to utter any words whatsoever because it would make me even cry more intensely,or I'd be vocalizing strange moaning sounds or repeating one sentence or word over and over again without being able to stop it, so that in my mind I'm thinking that I'm going crazy because I can't stop it. Then I'm usually lying or sitting on the floor, curling myself up.

But since I don't know what exactly is a meltdown or shutdown, I can only wonder if those are just my own idiosyncratic emotional responses to some situations or maybe everybody has them and I just haven't observed them.