How to explain to someone about being Aspie

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Without them thinking you are BLAMING everything on being aspie??

I was having a "debate"/discussion. Well quickly turned into a one sided talk with my mom last night and she told me I should stop blaming my problems on Aspergers and just get help (my mom is under the impression that I, and everyone else in the world, except herself) is under denial). I told her I wasn't blaming it, I was explaining to her that the reason I was having social issues was because I had the Aspergers and that I needed to find a group that helped Adults, not just children with social issues.

It really irritates me when people (especially her) say I am blaming my problems on Aspergers. I am not blaming anything on it. I am saying I am looking for help for XYZ which is directly caused by problem A. They need to know it is caused by problem A because treatment is (or can be) different than if it was caused by, say problem B. It's like you treat a cough in your lungs different than you would treat a cough in the throat. Different conditions may be causing the cough.

I think I am just frustrated in general. For the first time, I had someone who is completely uneducated tell me (not meaning to be hurtful) that "it does not matter if I have a mental illness..." *sigh* it is not a mental illness. That hit hard. I need to educate her, but I don't know how. There is enough tension between her, me and my family right now that correcting her would just create more. I think it is just better to allow her to believe and just bite my tong and hope I can stand it. I know she does not mean it anyway.

Anyway, in the mean time, my brother (his new wife is the one who made the comment - I like her, and she really did not mean to be hurtful) is a true NT and really needs some REAL info on what it is to be an aspie. Not some of the bull that is out there. I went looking to find something hopeful for him to look at today about adult aspies and was horrified at what I found. What can I show him that can help him understand that I am not a monster, may help him understand why I have been who I have been in my life (including self-centered and irresponsible as well as now trying to make a positive change) and what I can become. I love my brother. Of everyone in my family, I love him. I don't care about the rest. I want him to be proud of me. He never judged me when we were kids, and I always stood up for him when he needed me (He was badly burnt as a young child and teased badly. I stood up for him when no one else would. And he stood up for me). I need him, but he needs to understand who I am. How do I show him? The info out there right now will terrify him.

well there's a few things you can do:
1. guide to aspergers that is pinned
2. autism/aspergers documentery
3. newsletter
4. i'm going to start a YT series called ask an aspie and the first episode will be anwsering common questions about aspergers
5. Wrongplanet[have her look at the general autism discussion.]

I hope you get your mom to understand

I'm having a hard time myself. I am a mom with Apergers who has two boys, 18 and 7, both with Autism. My husband is NT. We just had a huge talk about how he treats our 7-year-old KNOWING why he does what he does, yet my husband talks to him like all he is is an annoyance in his life. My son was dx'd with Autism almost 2 years ago. was never dx'd and neither was my 18 yo until the dx of my 7 yo.

We spent 45 minutes going over how we can all live together and not drive each other bonkers. I don't know how to help my husband know what it is like to be inside of us, to deal with what we deal with, to know we tick everyone off around us, yet all we want is to FIT IN, and not stand out like a sore annoying thumb.

My 7 yo has no idea yet that his ways drive a NT person to destraction; heck, it drives me crazy and I have LIVED 44 years doing exactly as he does in his short 7 yrs of life.

My parents never knew the whys, but my husband does know the whys, yet he refuses to hold his tongue. I know we frustrate the tar out of him, and I am trying to help him to know what goes on INSIDE us, and I also have to keep reminding myself that this isn't easy for him either, but all I am asking for is him to TRY. He has promised to work on TRYING.

TY for listening.

Ashton

This seems so one-sided and unfair. Shouldn't your husband be trying to frustrate you less as well, such as by not berating a 7-year-old for whatever it is that he can't control? Your husband needs to understand that social and emotional reciprocity is not him having all the right opinions and making you and your kids conform to him all the time.

I am hoping that he can and will start doing this, yes. I grew up being told how utterly frustrating I was to my mom and how she could not deal with me and how I was. She had no idea why and neither did I, and it wasn't until I had a son just like me and we got him tested that I finally now KNOW WHY. Unfortunately, I do not have a relationship with my mother, and she doesn't know of our dx's. I don't want my son to grow up with the feelings that NO ONE wants him around! I don't want him to be shoved off or forced to go be alone because since he can't get along with others, it's just easier to put him in his room alone all day.

My husband says he's been trying not to be annoyed for 20 years dealing with us, and it hasn't worked so far, and he's not sure if he EVER will be able to NOT be annoyed. I said yes, but can you work on your reaction to being annoyed, i.e. holding your tongue, walking away until that urge to berate passes?

I will tell you, some days I don't hold my tongue well either. It is NOT easy to HAVE Aspergers and deal with children who do also, but I KNOW I have no choice as a mother to DO what is best for my children, so I work on my own responses, meltdowns, and the like that come with Aspergers. He says he notices that I do try, but when I flub it and get frustrated and do what I get on him about, he berates me and tells me, "SEE??? You do it too!" That is when I tell him yes, but I TRY NOT TO, which is what I want from him. JUST TRY.

Ashton

Well, 'blame' is just semantics for 'excuse' and anyone who tells you that has no clue what they're talking about.

Autism - and that's what AS is, just a fancy-schmancy moniker for High Functioning Autism - frankly, I'm not crazy about terms like 'High Functioning' and I absolutely HATE anyone calling any form of autism 'mild' as if it really didn't constitute a problem at all, because it does, and those coping mechanisms that allow us to hide it and feign normalcy well enough to fly slightly under the radar most of the time actually make it more difficult to get others to recognize how hard we're struggling all the time.

Autism tangles up the wiring in your brain, causing an autistic person to perceive the entire world, all their life through a lens that is warped compared to the one everyone else is looking through. Imagine asking a neurotypical person to wear a pair of goggles that make everything look like a funhouse mirror - then imagine forcing them to wear those goggles day and night for the rest of their life, sewn to their head so they can never take them off. Do you suppose they might find that to be a handicap? Think functioning from day-to-day, holding down a job, driving, recognizing friends when they passed them in the mall, even stuff as simple as putting away the dishes might become difficult in ways that only they could understand? Hells yeah, it would.

Now add to that the constant anxiety that would develop very quickly when they realized that because they couldn't see the world clearly as it was, they might walk right into a wall, or trip down the stairs anytime they walked through the house. They'd find themselves hesitant to strike up random conversations because they could never be sure who they were talking to and might make a fool of themselves by assuming anything. In no time at all, they'd be frustrated, angry and stressed out because everything would be more difficult than it ought to be. And if they complained, most of the people around them including friends and family would say things like "Oh just get used to it" or "It can't be as hard as you're making it out to be - its not like you're crippled" or "You blame everything on those stupid goggles."

Welcome to our world.

@Willard: I have really liked everyone's responses here so far, but I think of everyone's your would have the largest impact on my brother. I am going to have to keep this bookmarked. Thanks.

Its really horrible when everyone around you thinks you're attention seeking. I dont bother explaining personally just because of that