Asking Advice: This One is a Doozy

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Hi, everybody. A situation has come up with my job, and I would like to ask your advice on how to handle it.

Since 2009 I’ve been working for an arts organization as an Executive Assistant, and now I’m retired and only work for them for a few hours a week, just to bring in extra money. They have a few events throughout the year, and I used to have to help out at the front desk, checking guests in, or selling art items at a sales table.

These events tend to be very crowded and full of multi-tasking and people touching me unexpectedly, and since I have AS (diagnosed in 2010), you can imagine how difficult all this is for me. I started taking Paxil, which helped a lot, but this was still a part of my job I have always dreaded. I've always been happiest doing computer work (which I do at home), and I don't have to tell you guys why! As a retiree I no longer have to do that front desk stuff, but as it turns out, tonight, I've been asked to do it.

There is an event taking place tonight at 6:00 PM. It’s the opening reception for a new art exhibit. I didn’t think I’d be called upon to sit at the door and check people in, but my boss couldn’t find anyone else, so she asked me to do it. I said yes, because I knew help was needed and I wanted to be kind.

There is a new girl who is taking my place (she's not available tonight), and this morning my boss sent her and some other staff members an email with some instructions about tonight’s event. Guess what – my boss accidentally cc’d me on it. Here is what it said. (I should mention that the new girl’s name is Christa and my first name is Clare.)

“Hi Christa - in general you would be a key person at any event to be there and help us greet, etc along with any volunteers. Clare's work is mostly behind the scenes now. She falls apart in public and gets confused - so I only asked her to be there in desperation.”

Do you think that once this event is over, I should tell my boss I saw this message and then tell her I have AS, and that is why I have these problems, just so she’ll understand that it’s not a question of incompetence? I wouldn’t mind her knowing and I don’t really give a hoot what she might think. Maybe I owe her this explanation.

One thing is for sure -- no matter how "desperate" she gets for help with events, I will never do front desk duty again.

Please let me know what you think. Thank you.

Well, I think I'd tell your boss, either in person or via reply email, that you received that via cc and explain you were diagnosed with Aspergers in 2010 and you don't cope well with crowds. You did nothing wrong so there's no shame in bringing it up. I'd be tempted to cc Christa but that might not be appropriate, depends on the level of professional formality at your workplace. Only you would know. Best of luck tonight.

That's a very good idea. I will do so tomorrow since today is so busy. Thank you very much. I may double my dose of Paxil before tonight!

I think that would be OK if it's what you want to do.

Folks in the workplace see and experience the way all their other co-workers cope and manage at all tasks they do. It's not a surprise that your boss knows that whereas your behind the scenes work is good; you do not cope well when dealing with the public. Aside from someone new in your workplace such as Christa; all your co-workers are likely aware of the discomfort this particular challenge creates for you and how your performance affects the events.

Having cc'd the 'falls apart in public and gets confused' comment to various others was inadvisable; but she may have had practical a reason. In doing so, she is telling her staff that she did not ask you to do this clueless of the challenge it presents for you & the organization; and she is putting them on notice to keep an eye out for you and be available to help if circumstances call for it.

In the absence of knowing exactly why an otherwise competent co-worker or subordinate struggles with a particular sort of task; workers & managers know the issue exists and deal with it the best they can. This is going on in every workplace all the time.

The impact of disclosing your AS to your boss depends upon her understanding of AS. If I were your boss; I might already assume that you are on the spectrum; same as I suspect that 10 or 12 of my co-workers are. If she is like me; she will welcome the disclosure because it will open her dialog with you; she will be able to be more openly appreciative of your willingness to extend yourself in situations such as this one because she will know that your aversion to it is innate.

This is a very wise and well thought out reply. Thank you so very much. I am so grateful for this website, and it's especially because participants like yourself.

I doubt that your boss doesn't know by now that she sent it to you in error, one of the other recipients will have noticed even if she hasn't. She will therefore be cringing and not knowing what to say to you, and like any other NT coward she will avoid talking about it in the hope that you didn't notice it, because after all, you get "confused".

If it were me, I would call and say:

"In view of the derogatory and insulting message you sent about me to a variety of people, and were "confused" enough to copy me in on, I am afraid I will not be attending your event to help you out. Oh and by the way, I have Asperger's, not that this gives you the right to insult me. You might be desperate, but I am not."

You can then walk away with your head held high, knowing you didn't let them use you, and that you stood up for your rights. Why the hell should you take that crap, that is rude, insulting, degrading and humiliating, to talk about you like that and spread it around. And she has the nerve to expect you to do her bidding?! No siree. It's your choice of course, but why should you give them what they want with that attitude against you, your services will be wanted elsewhere I'm sure.

Wise words indeed from MountainLaurel.

It is a shame because your boss could have made a wiser choice of words too. I hope these comments were just due to the stress of an opening.

If you do feel comfortable in disclosure then you and any other workers with similar conditions should receive more consideration in the future.

You're quite right. My boss can be very nice, but there are times when she goes completely nuts and says terrible things that don't even make sense. I will definitely think about this. Thank you for your input and your support.

I hope whatever you choose everything is OK for you. It's nice to get "warm, fluffy" messages too, but I think MountainLaurel has made too much of an excuse for your boss and you need to be realistic. Fancy your boss saying that she only asked you because she was desperate, that's not informing colleagues in a nice way of your issues to be able to help! That's plain nasty.

There is a saying, something about people will always get away with what you allow them to.

I'm rooting for you anyway.

Thank you so much! I'm so grateful for the support on this website. When I first saw that message it hurt very much, but that will pass. My boss isn't a totally bad person but in times of stress she can be holy hell. It was really awful of her to say that to so many people. I will think very carefully about the message I will send her. Today's too busy and crazy a day for it but I'll send it tomorrow when everything has quieted down.

Thank you again!

Clare

Honestly I don't see what is wrong. If you do fall apart in public and get confused (I know if I had to do front desk duty I probably would too) it is merely a description of your limitations. I don't see that she was saying you're a basket case or anything of the sort. Perhaps she could have been a little more "PC" about it and instead of saying "fall apart in public" use "doesn't manage crowds very well" or something of the sort. I think it may have felt hurtful that this information was relayed to someone else who may not have been aware of your shortcomings, but I wouldn't worry too much about it. I don't think ill will was meant. Perhaps she too was in a stressful situation and wanted to make sure that the other person didn't feel slighted when you were in that spot. I am not good at handling politics that well either so I probably would have done an equally abysmal job in keeping people pacified. I tend to overcompensate and then things backfire on me. I think you are a very well esteemed employee at the organization otherwise you probably would not have your job despite said "limitations"! !! So, be happy that people are aware of your limitations and love you in spite of them

How can you not see what is wrong with this:

She's massaging Christa's ego whilst insulting Clare all in one fell swoop. She is comparing Clare negatively to Christa, and this email has been sent to a few colleagues as well, it's not just from the boss to Christa!

You may have been so used to put-downs in your life that this doesn't seem bad to you, but it is bad, trust me.

Tell me what the purpose of saying any of those two sentences was, what were they needed for, why were they necessary at all? if she wanted Christa to support Clare she only had to say "could you offer support to Clare if she needs it". Why be so demeaning. Someone only says they are desperate to ask a particular person when they are being nasty. No doubt she would deny it, but there is no way of sugar coating what she said. It's outrageous. In work you should be factual as well, you don't make comments like that to colleagues about another member of staff, it's highly unprofessional. And how two-faced as well, smarming up to Clare to ask her to help out and then running her down behind her back. Her boss is a twat.

Other than printing a copy for my records, I'd just reply and FYI to him that perhaps he shouldn't have CCed me on the e-mail considering its contents.

Let him sweat over it.

The boss is a she. And that would be letting her off way too easily. From what Clare (OP) says, she's been doing a lot of that in the past. I hate hearing of fellow Aspies being mistreated. I'll get off my soap box now.

I would go to HR with it.

Unfortunately we don't have an HR department. It's a really tiny organization, so small it doesn't even have an office. We do everything by email and they have monthly meetings in an office that they've borrowed from someone else!

I think it'll be enough for me to tell Miss Tactful that I know what she did. I hope she will be absolutely mortified. This is my first opportunity to get even with a bad boss and I can't pass it up!