Does anyone else feel this way about apologies?

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I was watching Parenthood and Max is made to apologize to his cousin for pushing him. but Max felt it was unfair because he was the only one who had to do it and not him. But the little guy pushed him first so Max pushed him back and now he had to apologize to the bad guy for it. So he argued it and said how unfair it was. I feel the same way too and always had. Why do victims have to be bad guys just because they are older or more fit? If I got into a fight with a schizophrenic, I'd be the one to apologize just because they have the mental illness and I do not and it wouldn't matter if they started it. To me that is so unfair.

I remember in 6th grade I got into a fight with my bullies so I was told I had to apologize because I pushed them too and hit them for not leaving me alone. I refused. I spent half of my day arguing with the teachers and staff and not being in class because of it. They said what I did was worse because I did the hitting and the pushing and they did nothing. But I have always felt the starter should apologize and I think it's ridiculous the victim has to do it first because they are older or more normal or whatever.


Of course in the show I think Max did eventually apologize but it didn't show it. It just showed Amber working with him and feeding him Tootsie Rolls and having him role play with the apology and she had him watch a video and had him look at his tone of voice, his eyes, how he had his head. Then she worked on his body language and told him how to have his eyes and head.

yeah, I agree.
On a smaller scale: relatives who say they're sorry for missing your kid's birthday.
What I don't say:
Yeah, we know you missed it, and no, it doesn't matter, and it's about the kid, not the grown ups, and I don't want to tell the kid you're sorry because that'll just make it an issue, and we didn't miss you because we didn't even think about you.

apologizing is stupid because it is pretty much meaningless. i would just do it anyway.

I haven't watched that video, but from what you've said, it sounds totally different from your situation.

Teachers really don't have a clue about bullying. Bullying is about an imbalance of power - the bully has the power and they use it to make the victim miserable. And power isn't always about being bigger or stronger, the most important kind of power is social power. If a popular runty kid pesters an unpopular kid with a football-player build, and the unpopular kid retaliates physically, it looks to the teacher like a big kid beating on a little kid. But that's not what it is. It's a powerless kid trying in vain to get back at someone who they can't really touch, because they can't get the rest of the kids to stop backing the bully. The power differential actually goes the opposite way from what the teachers think, because teachers have no clue about the social dynamics in their classes.

In contrast, if say a 3 year old punched a 10 year old and the 10 year old punched back, the 10 year old's the one who should be in more trouble, even though the 3 year old started it. Because the 10 year has a lot more power, physical, mental and social, and with power comes responsibility. The only exception would be if the 10 year old had severe mental retardation or something, or if there was extreme favoritism on the side of the 3 year old (David Peltzer level of favoritism) by more powerful people such as parents.

With the example of the schizophrenic, it depends why they started the fight. People with mental illness can be jerks like anyone else can, if he started the fight for one of the reasons people normally start fights, then his schizophrenia is irrelevant to the situation. But if he started the fight because the voices told him you're plotting against him, then it would be cruel to hold him responsible because he has no control over that.

Apologizing is a waste of time imo. If you do regret something, the best way to show that regret is to not do it. There's no point making someone apologize if they don't want to, can't see what they did wrong and will just do it again. Nothing frustrates me more than someone apologizing because they were manipulated or made to do it only to do the same thing thirty minutes or an hour later because the apology was insincere and they don't really care.