Impending overload

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For some background:

Last winter, one of my nieces and her two children moved into this household. One of her children is extremely loud for much of the day. I didn't spend time watching the children, but my mother and sister did, I spent most of my time in my bedroom away from everyone.

And every day was fairly hellish. I had more shutdowns, became more sensitive to all kinds of sensory input, experienced multiple periods of visual and audio agnosia ("meaning blindness") and simply became less functional and "more autistic." She moved out at the end of January, and I've been slowly recovering since. My primary barometers are: Number of weekly shutdowns and how long I can manage playing a video game: Videogames have gone from 10-15 minutes to about 30-45 minutes, longer for less graphics/sound intensive games. Attempts to play would also frequently cause shutdowns if I pushed past my limits. As for shutdowns, I'm about at my level before she moved in. While she lived here I would sometimes have multiple shutdowns every day.

So now I'm looking at the possibility that she's moving back in - as she may end up homeless. I don't want her to end up homeless, but I don't want to lose so much function all over again. I will get ear plugs, although having things in my ears is really uncomfortable. I don't really have anywhere I can go just to hang out (no transportation, nowhere within walking distance) and get away from the noise, and trying to get a ride is like negotiating a nuclear arms limitation treaty sometimes.

How old is the loud child?

Have you spoken to your mother and/or sister about this? Surely they don't want you to be in a state such as you have described.

He's about three or four. I have never seen a three or four year old who behaved like this who didn't have something going on - most of us think he has ADHD, but he's too young for a diagnosis, so it is said.

I have spoken to them about this. They keep translating, "loud noises make my brain stop working" as "doesn't like loud noise" and then talk about how it bothered them just the same way.

I tried to draw a parallel - my mother is very sensitive to cold, so if anyone leaves windows open in the house all day, it makes her fibromyalgia flare. I said it was like having her bedroom window open in winter, but I don't know that she understood it.

Then again, these are the same people who light up cigarettes when I'm in the car with them, and I have to breathe through fabric with my window open or I feel like my lungs seize up (cigarette smoke = instant overload for me), and who think I should want to be in an 80 degree room in winter even though I am sensitive enough to heat I'm drenched in sweat at 75 degrees. There are serious communication issues, probably.

Facepalm Napalm. This whole sensory overload/brain shutdown thing is really excruciatingly hard to explain to people who have not experienced it. It seems to be too far out of most people's experiences for most people to imagine it. At all.

Yeah, like when I said "The loudspeaker at Wal-Mart shuts off my conscious thought and I forget everything - who I am, where I am, what I'm doing - until after it ends" that was interpreted as "I can't hear myself think."

Verdandi, I can identify like you wouldn't believe. I've been through very similar situations, much of which involved my own children, whom I could obviously not escape, but much of which also came from relatives living with us, visiting us, and "demanding" things from us.

To clarify, by "demanding" I don't mean they were necessarily demanding. I mean that their needs felt demanding to me, simply because I and my wife both felt obliged to offer help.

This is hard to accept, I know. It was for us too, but we learned the hard way that saying "no" is sometimes the only way to ensure survival.

Each one of us only has so much to give. Think of your emotional well being as a bank account. Every time you do something for others, that's like a withdrawal. Every time you do something for yourself, or others do something for you, that's a deposit.

Take too much out of the account, and it becomes overdrawn. Overdraw it too much, and your psychological health suffers. At some point it can suffer so much that you become no help at all to anyone, including yourself.

It's hard, but "no" is an important word for Aspies to become comfortable with. Not that you have to use it all the time. Remember though, that financial checking accounts have to be balanced regularly.

So does your emotional checkbook.

In this situation, I don't get the only input, and no one wants her or especially her sister moving in with her kids, but no one wants her to be homeless, either. Her mother and grandparents are not of any use right now - mother's doing meth (again) and grandparents say it's her and her mother's problem.

So saying "no" would mean "You live on the streets and probably lose custody of your children." Her life's already a mess that got to this point because she has untreated (but diagnosed) ADHD and is extremely impulsive.

The current idea is that if she wants to move in, she'll have to work hard to get a job and get back on her feet so she can find her own place again, but the time she's here will be extra stressful for just about all of us. It's just for me I spend more time non-functional than functional when that happens.

Thanks for the advice, though. You are right about knowing how to say "no." A friend of mine likes to say "take care of yourself first," and I realized I had never thought of that before she said it. A powerful notion, really.

Can you set some specific rules about what is and isn't acceptable behavior before move-in. This might be better than just reacting to whatever happens.

That is already happening. The problematic element is her son, who is extremely hyperactive, makes a ton of noise, gets into everything, etc. While some of it is controllable, the boy tends to start screaming rather frequently. That's the hardest thing to control, and the part that causes me the most trouble.

I appreciate all the advice, though. Has me thinking.

Shut downs are different from melt downs, right?

Either way, when you try explaining, what if you told her something like it gives you a temporary amnesia like feeling, or a really bad fibro fog? The mental part of FM is infuriating, and maybe it will help her click.

I'm sorry you guys are all in this situation. I'm in a similar situation. Due to health issues it was move back home or be on the streets. My sister is loud and always in your face and just obnoxious all around.. Her and her dad are awful to live with as he's loud and sets the smoke alarm off almost nightly, sometimes more than once, and sometimes 2 out of the 3. I have issues and end up in my room most of the time when she is not at school and he's not at work,


For the possible ADHD thing, I grew up not being allowed a diagnosis (but I've since been diagnosed as an adult), so my Mum modified what I ate and stuff. Low sugar, no red food dye, no aspartame, LOTS of exercise, limited amounts of TV, and caffeine (Since it's a stimulant, it works the opposite way for people with ADHD) And I was able to be more calm and somewhat more behaved because of this. In my opinion (NOT any medical background) if given in small amounts, it can be beneficial, just don't give the kid a full cup of coffee- Start off with a shot of it and go up, I wouldn't go over 4 oz. though, even then, we were able to keep it at 2oz. once or twice a day and only on the days it was needed. My sister, however, was diagnosed a long time ago with ADHID (the I is impulsive, so she has more problems with impulse control than the typical ADHD kid) and this remedy didn't help her, so I guess it depends on the person , situation, and severity.

Here's a link to some information on the caffeine front, it's a video about a Mum who gives her kid coffee: Coffee kids. Definitely do some independent research, but there are a lot of success stories.

How old is the son? Would he have his own room?

Screaming, in our home, has ALWAYS been rewarded with automatic grounding to the child's bedroom. Keep enough stuff in the room, as sound dampening.

Also, I may get flack for this, but I don't care. Anyone who has a problem with this, doesn't know, and has never had to LIVE with my kids. I put a lock on their bedroom door so they could not keep coming out once sent there. There actually ARE doctors out there who recommend it. In fact, the last one I saw who did, was on a video provided to us by a VNA run by the state. I had people tell me that Children's Services wouldn't like it. It's simply not true.

I don't think I've ever experienced an overload like how you described it, and I've always lived with hyperactive little children, though I do find it impossible to think clearly why they are around and being loud and I find it went they are too loud to be painfully irritating.

twich,

Shutdowns are different from meltdowns, although meltdowns can lead into shutdowns too. For me, anyway.

I'll bring that up. I have fibro too, and I know my mother does get to the point where, as she puts it, "her nervous system is shattered" from sensory overload. So there are points of comparison.

MrXxx,

He's three or four, will not have his own room.

I've found out about alternative possibilities that I'll mention to my mother - basically, if my niece becomes homeless, she'll get access to a ton of state resources that will get her a place to live. If we give her a place to live she won't be eligible.

Ganondox,

I find that my sensitivities go beyond "I can't hear myself think" type of "everything sounds too loud" responses and into sensory distortion and breakdown of sensory processing. I wasn't able to sleep last night and had therapy today. On my way home I found that at least half of the speech I heard (from the radio, from the driver, from the other passenger) sounded like gibberish. My audio processing is even worse than usual because of my fatigue. I'm also overly sensitive to overload.

I've never before or since been around a child who makes noise like this one.