Speaking condescendingly toward others

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Last night, while I was texting a friend of mine, he took offense toward the way I worded something. Basically, he found it very condescending, and I apologized. I didn't even realize that what I said was condescending in any way. That got me to realize another one of my personality flaws - sometimes, I might come across as condescending toward others without intending to be.

Does anybody else have that same problem?

I think it's common to people that speak in literal terms. Facts spurt out somtime without true understanding of potential emotional impact. Sometimes it takes others to help us understand what it is that is offensive.

I was an Athletic Director that hired a Fitness Director, that happened to be a pretty small guy. A girl I worked with diagnosed with aspergers, a very intelligent person, stated matter of fact to him oh your the fitness director, but you're so small, and started laughing.

She wasn't trying to offend him, but she thought a fitness director was supposed to be big and couldn't help but to comment on it, finding it amusing.

I worked with a filipino auditor who happened to be a small man, before in the organization, when I was in a lower level position, and often referred to him as "the little brown man" as what I thought at the time was kind of a term of endearment that everyone could see.

He took it for a long time, but I made a statement about filipino women looking young for their age, and he went ballistic. I didn't mean any harm, but one of my more socially intelligent co-workers pointed out well he probably finally had enough of the "little brown man" statement.

I was about 25 years old when I did this. At this point in my life, I can't believe I ever said such a thing; I learned some lessons like this the hard way. The strange thing about it is, I thought everyone could see it the way I saw it, but in reality people were probably wondering why I would ever make a statement like that about a respected individual in the organization I worked in.

When the girl who happened to be about 25 did it to the Fitness Director, it brought back memories of when I did a similiar thing at 25, at that point I didn't realize I had a form of autism, but it was one of the clues that eventually led me in that direction.

I also remember about the same time a customer that I worked with stated life was not fair. I had come through some tough times, landed on my feet, so in my view at the time, I felt like life was great, so I stated back to him no, it's very fair. Stupid statement to say to the customer considering he had a heart attack at age 36, but it didn't even register in my mind.

I can't imagine anyone else but me doing that, now, but at the time my personal view of my life seemed to be the only thing that existed in the Universe that I was cognitively aware of.

You probably didn't say anything as naive as I did, I'm lucky no one ever punched me out because of some of the things I said, but for the most part they must of considered the source; I on the other hand was clueless. Maybe they could see it and just didn't go to the trouble to argue the points with me.

Once when working at a health food store, this woman confided in me that she'd been diagnosed with colon cancer, and my sympathetic, compassionate response was "That sucks." I figured this one out months later.

There was another time I said something (I forget what) to some friends/housemates, and one of them said something like "Wow, you just said that so blatantly. It's true, but you could at least try to soften the blow." I had no idea what I said was so blunt.

I once described someone as having wispy gray hair, and I didn't get why she found the truth so offensive.

I have found that the problem with filtering my remarks to be gentle is that it is impossible for me to tell when or when not to filter, depending on the person I am talking to. Some people will want to hear my blunt remarks and interpret the filtering as manipulation or whatever (?). Other people will nukular meltdown if they hear my blunt remarks supposedly plotted by me, over the entrails and bloodcakes of my previous victims, to eviscerate and exsanguinate them as well.

This is actually the opposite of condescension. Condescension is actually talking "down" to someone, in such a way that makes it seem you feel the other person is less knowledgeable about whatever it is, even though they may not be. It's like talking to them in a way that reveals you've assumed they know nothing about the topic, without first finding out if they actually do.

What you're describing here is bluntness.

I find there can kind of a fine line between the two that is sometimes hard for me to walk. I've been accused of both.

Hope this wasn't condescending.

Yep. Nobody has ever said that word but I noticed it in myself. I tend to speak as if from a higher perspective; handing down information not readily available to others. It has as much to do with not wanting to connect with others through sharing and exchange. So I tend to speak in a way which does not invite an exchange. My eyes do not meet the other persons and my energy shuts down once I have finished.

But people still like me for some reason.

A lot of has to do with tone of voice...not only do you have to get the words right for each situation, but the tone of voice has to match it too. One guy I know with AS, when reacting to emotionally charged situations, gets the phrasing right, but completely misses the tone of voice, making him sound insincere and condescending (although I know he isn't)! It's something you could always consider while giving these types of responses.

Last edited by anneurysm on 20 Oct 2011, 9:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yes that is true also. It's so hard! There are your actions, which speak volumes (these I can do in a way which I know people feel safe around - I tend to have a peaceful manner when doing my own thing, even when other people are around), then there are your words (I can be very good at saying the right thing), then there is your thoughts! Hmph! And your thoughts create an atmosphere as much as anything else right? Thoughts can be the toughest. I am very aware my energy is really intense. Have been told a number of times I have quite a presence. Like I said people mostly like me because I try so hard to be a good person and my actions speak volumes about who I am and who I wish to be and what I wish to do in this lifetime.

But I carry so much anger and bitterness. I know this comes out especially when I feel I must look someone in the eyes.



So often I'll be in my own little world and I'll need to look someone in the face for some reason and they'll flinch and have this look like "What! What did I do!". I just cannot contrive so many levels!! ! It's exhausting. I am finding it much easier to be a good person on the internet and not upset people, hopefully.

I don't talk to others in such a manner, because I don't like it when people do that to me.

I didn't think it might be until you suggested the possibility. Now I have to wonder!

Seriously, I missed the point of the thread, I think. I have come across as condescending in the past, and been told so, but I don't remember specific instances.

^^
me too.

Probably. I have been accused of it on here and I find that word confusing because it doesn't seem to fit the dictionary definition of it just by how it's used. Or maybe they are just misusing the word.

I have seen that word get thrown around when someone give out advice or be helpful in their post when they explain something so I wonder how is that a bad thing. I assume condescending must be another word for being helpful or to give out advice and why is that a bad thing?

It's not so much being helpful, as putting yourself in the position of the adult being nice to the kid, or maybe the simple-minded.

Sometimes I'm intentionally condescending but act as though it's accidental. Does that count?

I think this might be the most appropriate explanation for this phenomenon so far.

In school, I didn't realize my peers thought of me as being a swollen-headed person until my mother pointed it out for me. I must have been 13 then. I was much surprised, I never meant to be.

Face to face, this is unlikely to happen. But, I've been accused, on-line, of standing on a soapbox and playing God, of all things (not on WP). When people say things which I know aren't true (or at least there is plenty of evidence to suggest they're more than likely wrong), I've felt the need to correct them, by quoting a few facts. One time, on a thread about smoking in pregnancy, I made the mistake of not quoting the poster, so a few people thought I was just lecturing the masses. I should really just have reported the post, as she was, in effect, advertising tobacco, which is illegal in the UK. There was a huge argument, with just as many on my side than the other. But, I got a few apologies, when they eventually got the message that I was only correcting an individual.

But, I've also been on the receiving end of people speaking condescendingly to me. Like many on here, maybe I sometimes give the impression of not being too bright, whilst being really intelligent. A few people I know have spoken to me in a way I would speak to a young child or someone whom I knew had a severe learning disability. They may even ask personal questions, probably thinking I won't understand that it's inappropriate for them to be asking such things. But, I don't say, 'That's too personal', I just bluff my way through. So, I don't give them any reason to doubt their initial impression of me. That is idiotic, but speaking my mind has never been easy, as I get too emotional, when I feel an argument coming on. It's ironic when I suspect these people actually have a much lower intelligence than me.