What makes a friend?

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So this is something I've been thinking about recently.

What is it that makes a a person a friend? What makes other people consider you a friend? Do you have friends? If you have friends, how do you know? Are friends important to have?

I was just thinking about it and it surprised me that I don't really know the answer to these questions. I have people I sometimes talk/write about as friends but it's just a word I use because it's easier than trying to describe the actual relationship I have with these people. Some are mentors, others are people I happen to share an interest with and therefore spend time with practising that. Some of them refer to me as their friend. But I really have no idea if they are my friends... I don't know what would make them that.

When someone refers to me as a friend, what does that mean? Does that mean that I need to reciprocate that ... if they consider me their friend, does that mean that I should be considering them my friend? Is there something I should be doing as their friend????

Just feeling a little confused. My brain is a real mess at the moment. These seem like questions that a nearly 40 year old should have figured out by now...

Anyway, just interested in your thoughts.

A friend is someone you're comfortable spending time with, who cares about you and whom you care about. You probably share interests, and are likely to share a common set of information that you both refer to when you interact--things you've both experienced or both know about. You're likely to be willing to sacrifice for them, and they are likely to be willing to do the same for you.

A friend is someone who:
-I can turn to with whatever need I have
-They can turn to me with whatever need they have
-I will go out of my way even when its difficult for me to help them
-I know that I'd get the same help
-I enjoy being around them
-I have things I can share with them
-I can be myself around them and be comfortable with that

Under my definition of friend, if you have the ability to support them, and you won't for any reason other than you not supporting them is better for them, they're not a friend. A friend is someone who I'd invite into my living area and let them live there when they get their life together. There are very few people I've ever met in my life who've qualified for this.

I require people being very close to consider them friends, less than that, they're just various levels of acquaintances. I don't care about having acquaintances, I want friends.

Do I have friends? I have my boyfriend, and I have people I consider friends who don't have time for me. I don't have any other active friends.

How do I know? Really, its close to if I can make eye contact with them then they're probably a friend.

Are they important? For me, yes. For others, I don't think they're intrinsically necessary. I function best with a few friends and will end up sobbing and having repetitive meltdowns because of the loneliness of not having anyone I can turn to other than my boyfriend (who is a friend, but has his own issues and who has to deal with me all the time).

In my life, I have one person who is my real friend (other than my husband and parents). I meet with another woman in the playground too. I have her number and we meet for coffee now and again. She's a friend too. I have a few other friends who I meet up with now again, but always with my husband. They are in fact his friends. But with my best friend - I can call on her at any time I need her for a practical reson (e.g. taking daughter to school, because I am ill, etc) or an emotional reason. She can do the same with me. We feel very comfortable in one another's company and when I go to her house, I feel completely at home, whilst minding my manners. But, I doubt I am her best friend - this doesn't bother me. She has 3 sisters and many friends and she's not as close to me as she is to some of them (I think). But, she thinks a lot of me and knows I'd do anything for her that I could. She knows I don't look for anything in return and I know she doesn't take me for granted either.

I don't know. I'm not good at perceiving the lines between such things. Still stuck in the "everyone's my friend!" mindset of a three-year-old even no matter how many times that's been proven false. Well what I mean is I'm everyone's friend if they care to be mine, who knows whether I'm theirs, only they can say that.

Everyone has different standards. Some people have really strict to fairly lax standards. Some people only consider people friends if there completely true friends. Like you've known them for at least 3 years and your very close and theres no sign of potential of the relationship ending. Whereas other people consider anyone who acknowledges them and you can have fun with a friend. You have your own standards, whatever they are you should keep them, you dont have to drop your standards cause someone else has more lax standards.

Yes I do have friends, how many? I really dont know at this pt, not that I have so many friends its hard to keep track. Its more like I dont know who is a friend and who isnt. I know I have 3 close friends, thats it. Yeah its important to have friends, even aspies need social contact and need people who care for them.

Sometimes people just refer to people as friends for simplicity sake. Its easier to say "my friend ___________" then "the guy I know from __________". Whether they actually consider the person a friend is highly subjective. Sometimes people do it for face saving methods. Its like "Id like to introduce you to my friend" then saying that there just a person in your class or in an activity or refer to you as an acquintance.



yeah I've gotten confused a lot on standard of a friend. People have referred to me as friend or close friend and I wonder whether they've meant it or not. Often times I come off like I consider someone close but then I dont. I can be decieving to people sometimes.

Someone I can be myself with, without being judged, and someone whose company is not uncomfortable.

Whoever sits next to you in class.

Someone you share a common interest with who you can confide in or can confide in you. You spend the most time together. They keep being your friend even when you decline many of their invites and deep down you feel bad about having to do that.

I don't need to justify my friendships. I know who my friends are. When I think of my friend I'm filled with a warm feeling. Whenever something reminds me of her I tell her and she laughs and we probably have a long conversation after that. We have long deep and meaningful discussions about Star Trek. Nerds make the best friends.
I agree it takes a long time to develop a bond with a person for them to become a friend. I've known my friend since 2009 and the bond has just grown stronger and stronger.

Then I've got friends I don't see that much but when I do I know that the bond is strong. It's more than finding common interests but finding understanding. Friends accept you as you are because they like those qualities about you.

A friend is someone who puts your interests before theirs. I'm yet to find another person who does that other than my boyfriend and my family. I guess you have to do something that benefits them in the first place in order to gain their support

Yes, this sounds right. And there is enough trust that you don't feel you're losing anything by doing this because you KNOW they'll do the same for you. Kind of an involved thing when you define it that way. I guess that's the definition for close friend. Or it depends on how often the others' needs get put first.

I've found that people I consider my friends:

- Share common interests activities with me
- Are kind, compassionate and accepting people
- Are open-minded, intelligent and insightful
- Have a goofy sense of humor similar to mine

Basically, like stated before, friends are the people you spend time with that you feel a strong social and emotional connection to. They're the people who's company you enjoy for the sake of spending time together, no matter what you're doing, whether it's just sitting around talking in the living room or going out on crazy misadventures and getting into trouble. They're the people you would go out of your way to help, comfort and advise, even if they don't ask for it, and they would do the same for you.

I'd have to say consistency. Interests will come and go, you'll get into fights and arguments and tough times as friends together, basically, when the trials of life come, the people that are left are your friends. Everyone else is just "acquaintances." That's sorta the way I look at it.

I'd say it depends.

Interesting responses, thanks.

I particularly wanted to respond to this one as it seemed very clear and well thought out and hit some of my thoughts...

The characteristics of the people you call your friends are the characteristics I would like to consider that friends of mine would have. Absolutely, spot on. That is how I would describe them. But how do you know someone like this is your friend?

I don't think I really know what feeling a strong social connection to someone means ...

And I have never enjoyed the company of people just for the sake of spending time together. There always has to be a purpose - meeting to do something that is of interest to me. Otherwise I'd prefer to spend the time by myself.

I do occasionally meet people who I practice my special interest with outside of that but that is because they are also interested in another of my interests so we do that together (going to the cinema, so actually we don't have to socialise, we just go see the film).

Very very occasionally I will meet people "for a coffee" if they ask me to, because I feel bad saying no. It is expected that people will enjoy this kind of thing, so I go along with it ... but I rarely enjoy this, even when we get to talk about my special interest (which we usually do because otherwise there is silence ...). I'd much rather be doing together than talking.

I *would* go out of my way to help & advise anyone if they let me know they needed help whether I consider them a "friend" or not. I'm not good at picking up when others need/want help though - and often when I offer unsolicited help, it is not welcomed. This makes me more hesitant to offer help in the future.

People (outside of my work, which is of an advisory nature) rarely approach me and ask for help. So when I approach someone I know to ask for help, I never know if I am overstepping some boundary they have set for themselves with regard to our relationship - I don't know if we are friends or not - and this makes me feel very awkward about asking for advice or help.

Nevertheless I have a horrible habit of writing really long emails to people - ones I would refer to as "friends" for the sake of simplifying the relationship - basically describing the exact nature of a problem I'm having and asking for advice or help. They usually say something like "I'm not really sure but it's OK to keep writing, I am your friend" but then ... after this, when I write again, they stop writing back ... it confuses me.

As far as I see it - either they are my friend and in it for the long haul. Or they are not my friend. That seems very black and white, written down like that. I don't think I've actually said that before.

Now the thing is ... I never used to ask anyone for advice/help. It just NEVER crossed my mind to do that. I kept everything internal and eventually sorted things out for myself. I was very very quiet and "invisible".

But then I was told by someone I trusted a few years ago: "You know, it's OK to ask for help when you've got a problem - don't keep your problems to yourself. Everybody needs a friend sometimes". So, eventually, I went with this and now it seems that I've overdone it or something, or I just misunderstand what a friend is??? Confused doesn't cover it.

And a major problem or me right now is that now I'm finding it difficult to go back to the way I was - the way I was previously comfortable. I don't know why it's so difficult to go back there. And I really want to go back there because I don't really like the way I am now.

I don't think it's that I don't want friends ... that I don't want some kind of connection with others - I think I do. I just don't seem to "get it". I don't know how you do friendship. Perhaps I'm just overthinking it.

Might follow up on some of the other responses when I have a bit more time.

I consider a friend to be a person with whom I associate on a non-mandatory basis whose presence in my life improves it in some way.