Do you self harm when you're depressed?

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I wonder if other aspies are also going through some tough times that they self-harm or ever think about it. I DO NOT self-harm, it's just when I am having meltdowns. But many times I'd think of doing it, yet I cannot. I know a friend who self harms because she has a bipolar and I don't wanna be influenced by what she's doing. Yet, every time when a certain sad, and hurtful memories such as when I was bullied when I was younger the feelings tend to get back and triggers me to self-harm. There are times when I get a bit paranoid if someone hates me, because recently I had an experience of a close friend nagging me that my classmates hate me because I'm weird. So that time, I really felt bad knowing that she's a friend yet makes me feel hated. Nevertheless, after such we talk about it and became friends again, we had a closure when we both agreed that we just misinterpreted each other when she thought I was saying I wanna commit suicide when in fact I was just making a figure of speech in chat. Though, the scars of making me feel hated are still visible. And every now and then I check on myself what's wrong with me that people hates me, yeah, because I'm weird. When my weird friends knew that they told me nothing's wrong with me being weird. They say I'm awesome.

Idk. Despite people telling me that I'm talented, smart, artistic and all the good qualities I still feel like I'm unwanted. Maybe, because of those experiences I had in my kindergarten days, when kids bully me. When my Dad is being harsh to us because of his suspected personality disorder.

Sometimes I was thinking if I might have Borderline Personality Disorder. And having it, with a father who might also have it is one of the worst feelings I have. It's when I knew a lot of classmates whose fathers are responsible, jolly, and kind. But I feel as though I don't have a dad.


In contrast, my Mom is very resilient. She has somehow a lot of Aspie traits. She's often oblivious to social cues and acts a bit immature at times. Idk. That's why it might be adding up to what I feel now especially when other people bullies me.

To answer your question, I used to self harm when I was simultaneously depressed, stressed and agitated. I would choke myself with a belt until I was purple in the face. Calmed me down.

My family has made me avoid stress (can't answer the phone unless someone is with me - Don't work or study). This helps, but also makes me sad and bored.

In case it matters, I have both bipolar and aspergers.

Glad that your Mum has resilience. I envy her. It is a great quality to have.