Shut-ins, Hikikomori and such

Post Reply New Topic

Has anyone here spent all or the majority of their time shut away from the world for an extended perioid? By that I mean 5+ years of it, maybe even decades of very little contact with others. How does someone recover from that degree of isolation?

I'm sick and tired of being a shut-in, but after so long... 13+ years, how the hell do I undo it and become a better person in society. This is no way to live.

I don't know if I can offer any answers. I too isolate myself for extended periods of time. If it weren't for my AA meetings, I would have little face to face contact with others beyond cashiers at the store. Most people I just am not interested in interacting with. I have very little in common with most people I meet, and I can't stand "chit chat" of any kind. Even going to AA meetings takes effort, but I go because I know a completely reclusive life is not really that healthy.
At least the people in AA are abnormal enough to be tolerated. But my interaction with them does not go beyond the meeting itself.

My mother has remarked that it feels like a visit when ever I come out of my bedroom. My father is always asking me when I plan on coming out of the "batcave".

Yeah, I pretty much did that for seven years. I've come out of it pretty well.

If you've been uninvolved socially for a long time, you may find that socializing more is not quite the experience you remember. It might actually be better, but you'll have to ease into it and learn as you go. I'd say you should take it very slowly. How isolated have you been? Whom do you actually ever see, and how often? With whom do you actually speak, even if only to say, "Hello," "Thank you," or some other minor thing? Is there anyone you've spoken with more than that? Are you entirely shut in, or do you ever go out at all, even if it's just for the mail or to a corner store? You might try expanding just a little from there. What kinds of interests do you have? Maybe there's an opportunity for very light interaction in relation to your interests.

I have lived alone as a hermit for over 6 years now. Besides Asperger's Syndrome, I have other health issues that make it hard for me to get out and around much. However, even when I lived with relatives (for most of my life), I was a loner who didn't interact much with people. I prefer it this way. I found interacting with people on a regular basis to be too difficult. We all tend to drive each other crazy because NTs have the expectation that I look fairly normal, so I should BE and BEHAVE normal. It's not possible for me to meet their unrealistic expectations. It frustrates and aggravates all of us, which makes getting along under the same roof impossible. I also had issues with people outside the home. In school there were frequent meltdowns due to torment by the other kids. Fortunately, I am now in my 50s, so my school days are long over. I also had difficulties at the places where I worked. Part of the problem was my Asperger's, but I also had other health issues that contributed to my problems. I have suffered from IBS all my life. It is hard to be on time for work or any appointments, when I am stuck in the bathroom so much. This does make it hard to hold onto a job. Also, they want you actually working once you get in, not stuck in their bathroom for a while. Later on I started to suffer from sleep apnea and bad knees. I already had back troubles from scoliosis. The back and knee problems make it hard to get around. The sleep apnea makes it hard to get up to get to work and appointments, and I was starting to fall asleep at work. Once I even fell asleep at a red light on the way home. I was the driver, so this was not a good thing. Because of all my health problems I am now on disability, so I only go out for errands, doctor appointments, visits to government offices regarding my benefits, and occasional visits to relatives. This means that I am home alone almost all of the time. This is fine with me, as I am the hermit type. The radio, books, TV, the I-net, and occasional visits with relatives provide me with plenty of company. I do realize that not everybody is the hermit type, and would prefer more interaction with other people, even when it is difficult for them to do. For those in that boat I wish them well. I would also suggest that you try joining clubs pertaining to your interests. This will allow you to interact with a limited number of people. Because they share your interest it should be easier to get along with them. You can also try volunteer work. There are many charitable organizations that could use help. Again, the number of people you will have to deal with is probably limited, and they will be there for the same reason you are.

Good luck, and remember, we on the spectrum are all:

A Different Drummer

If a man does not keep pace with his companions,
Perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.
Let him step to the music which he hears,
However measured or far away.

--Henry David Thoreau

You know, I just got to thinking, so I hope you don't mind my posting again so soon. Anyway, I was much more of a loner when I was single. It's because I have a girlfriend that I can socialize as much as I do. I also couldn't live with other people before (she's the only one I can successfully live with), just as questor mentions, and I scaled back on the social contact I did have back then because of problematic friendships.

When I was alone so much, here are some of the things that were okay for me to go out and do:

Take myself out to an inexpensive restaurant at a slow time of day. This meant interacting with wait staff and other customers, but it was minimally demanding.

Make a trip to a quiet museum and sit by an exhibit that others are not wandering through very much. Again, there's some contact with people, but not much. You can always move to another exhibit if the one you're by becomes busy. You can even go back to it if you like it and it becomes less busy again.

Go to the local plant conservatory and sit on a bench in one of the rooms. This was especially nice in the winter. I liked the tropical and desert rooms best then. Looking at nice plant life is really soothing.

Visit a nearby park. This also provides a pleasant, relaxing view. A thermos full of tea, coffee, or hot chocolate is nice in the cold weather. A cool drink is pleasant for summer. If you drink something, though, make sure you know where to find a bathroom, just in case. As you walk or sit in the park, people will wander by, some with pets or children, but nobody should really bother you. If anything, they might make some small comment about the weather, but you can plan for this in advance so that you can quickly end the encounter with a statement of agreement or a short comment of your own. If nothing else, just smile and nod. This works for many occasions, though not all.

See a movie at a second-run theater, which is cheaper than first-run. You can find movie prices, times, and locations online. Stand in line with people to get your ticket, make your purchase, get the stub torn off at the entrance, sit only as near people to watch as you have to (there are not as many of them during earlier times of day, which is why the the prices are better then), walk out amongst them at the end. Not too bad. It also gives you a common reference point with others, should you wish to make conversation with an acquaintance one day.

Some of these take a little money, but it's not hard to save up for just the occasional little trip if you're not doing much else. Others are free. If none of these appeal to you, you might be able to think of similar things that do. You get the idea.

Even short trips are worthwhile, so don't worry if you can't be out for very long. After you do these things for a while, you may feel comfortable trying something a little more involved. Take it slowly, and return to an easier stage anytime you feel overwhelmed - or anytime you just miss what you were doing before and want to do it again.

On a final note, please stop worrying about needing to socialize more in order to be a better person in society. You're not robbing or killing anybody. Live the best life you can, but don't judge yourself for not doing more. More social does not necessarily mean better. There are lots of very socially active people who do vile things with their social abilities. You're already not like them, so all you really need to do is continue to be yourself.