adult aspie child inappropriate behavior

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Do any of you have young adult children that just can't contain their anger and inappropriately scream and yell? I grew up in a home where there was no need to yell and scream. However. my son continually does so and it drives me absolutely nuts to the point where I want to run away. Tonight was about an episode of him having stomach pain. You know, it's hard to feel bad for someone who wont help themselves. He's in intense pain. I've tried to convince him to go to the hospital and he yelled at me. I told him the screaming would have to stop as it's not acceptable and his g'pa is on the phone. Next comment was "oh, you care more about a phone call than me being in pain". No, I don't care if you are having to yell because you are in pain but yelling at someone was unacceptable. It just heightened and he grabbed a butter knife. I questioned whether that was for me and he said no, for him. He's been doing this kind of behavior for years. He doesn't do anything - it's more for sympathy or show. I've told him if he intends to use it on me, he wont get very far. It's these outburst that are so unacceptable I just can't tolerate. Things will be going good for several months and then he will have a meltdown. I am a single mom, he's 24 and my 84 yr old dad with dementia lives with me. I'm glad I found this web page. Hopefully there are other's of you that have experienced what I go through.
He is a super smart guy. Works from home doing technical support on line. However, it is obvious to me that he will have issues working face to face with people or in an office environment because there is just no filter there,
I worry about what will happen to him when I am gone

I could be completely off base here, but I have been guilty in the past of doing things like that, and this was my thought process at the time and I was unable to really explain it. Or unwilling. It was one of the other. Maybe I thought there was no need in trying to, I don't know.

He may feel that he's not getting the level of caring that he is used to, or that he deserves. He could feel that you don't care as much now, and he may want someone to simply take over at times and take care of him, but doesn't want to ask for that because that ruins it. This may be a way for him to give him the opportunity to be in a situation where you step back in as nurturer, and make him feel more secure, but if he tells you thats what he wants, it defeats the purpose of it happening.

Frances

It sounds like, in this particular case, that he wanted you to either do something that he didn't know how to explain or be more concerned than you appeared to be. "Go to the hospital if you're sick," is sound advice, but it can also sound a lot like, "Don't bother me with your problems." I suspect he felt like you were being unmotherly and uncaring, which is not a thing an aspie will actually say out loud too often, but there it is.

So, does this mean you should drop everything when he has a problem and devote yourself to its solution? No, especially not to a grown man. But it does mean that he does not, for whatever reason, have the perspective of a grown man. When he yells, he's basically saying, "I want something and you should already know what it is and I'm angry that you can't figure it out and I don't know how to tell you." If he's not already in therapy, you should have him consider it, because tough love doesn't work on us very well, if at all.

That's not what I'm saying when I yell. What I'm saying is "I really hurt (not necessarily physically) enough that I can't help this, I need to get the pain out somehow. I don't have control. I don't want to hurt you and if there's anything you can do to help then please help, but I am not being a drama queen here, I really do hurt, even if the thing I'm reacting to seems tiny to you. Many people don't realize how much every little thing actually is and I'm sorry that I sometimes react this way because I do."

I do second some level of OliveOilMom's idea though, the "I want someone to take care of me and don't want to ask for it," though for me its more "I want someone to take care of me and can't ask for it, I can't function well enough to ask for it, but it means far more when you initiate it anyways"

It really means a lot to have the fact that the pain is real and not being made up acknowledged.

Also, in that intense of pain that he doesn't have control over himself screaming, I'd question if its safe for him to get himself to the hospital.

My other question is whether you're sure its for show. It can easily seem like we're tantruming and trying to get our way when we're really out of control and would be out of control even if nobody else was around. My crying fits last longer when my boyfriend's around because I really want him to fix it (and he doesn't know how), but when I'm alone they're still just as "showy". What looks like trying to get things my way is actually being in that much emotional pain that the asking why nobody cares for me anymore isn't to get someone else's attention as much as to not have the pain trapped inside anymore.


Therapy does make sense though. I'm seeing someone weekly now who's helping me figure out how my emotions work so I can predict when things are getting bad so that its not a sudden explosion like it is now and instead something I can have coping methods help with.

Everyone else explained what he might be feeling, but I think you need to consider your own needs as well. You have a lot going on. If you are too overwhelmed you are not going to be able to help anyone. Some time for yourself one way or the other would be a good idea. Your son is a grown man, and yes, you should start thinking about the future. Actually, he should start thinking about the future. It's not unreasonable to start thinking of whether he can leave the nest with or without help.

Well just a theory but maybe he's aware he's thought of as an 'adult aspie child'......so he's acting like a child. Maybe try to let him know he's an adult and should start thinking about life and what he might want to do, and how things he does might effect other people. It's up to him what he want's to do with that advice. But yeah I tend to act a bit more immature when adults still treat me like a kid......don't know if this helps any but yeah some people just need to be reminded their life is more or less their responsibility and that sometimes helps.

This! Tuttle has said it better than I could myself. I have been trying to explain this myself to people for years but could never get it out in a way they could understand.

And yes, it is unlikely to be for show, as yup, it can be just as showy when you are completely alone and no one is around to see it.

Last edited by bumble on 04 Dec 2011, 9:44 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Nope, if anything it makes things worse, a lot worse. For me personally anyway.

Same here....just makes me feel like people are trying to assert their superiority.

+1

People yell when they are frustrated or in pain or both. What makes you think he is doing it for show?

No one likes to be yelled at but did you consider the possibility that he's not actually yelling AT you? Maybe he's just yelling because he needs to get it out of his system. What is it that is so unacceptable about his outbursts? Can you find a way to see it as okay that he has a meltdown? It's going to happen, so it really needs to be okay for him.



It may seem obvious to you that he could do something to help himself but maybe it isn't obvious to him. Maybe what you think would be helpful for him, isn't even what he needs. Why do you need to feel bad for him? You think he is trying to get sympathy but maybe he doesn't even want that.

Sometimes we need some sympathy after all the crap we have to go through. All the pretending, all the trying to hold in outbursts, all the stress, all the embarrassment, and all the hundreds of negative feelings that build up in less than 24 hours, and if it's gone for a few weeks without any support we just might break down and cry like a child, because we wants to be a child because that's when our mother's cared about us and hugged us and told us everything would be ok.

Yesterday I starved myself and became ill and had seizures because I was getting no sympathy, well, I was getting no acknowledgement I even had any problems. I'm incapable of saying to someone 'I had a panic attack' or 'I think I'm going to have a seizure' or even 'I don't think I can do this - I need your help.' Sometimes having a meltdown is the best way to communicate it. I couldn't tell my mother about my panic attacks, my shutdowns, the fact I actually was starving because I couldn't make myself food.

Our brains start to regress when stressed. I'm 25 but my mum still comes to my aide, even if I can't communicate my issues face to face but more in an online outburst where my sister and I verbally abuse each other.

Also, stomach pain isn't always a reason to go to hospital. Sometimes you need a lie down, a hot soup and someone there to help. Even NT's when they're sick will be taken care of by someone else. Even the NT's here that don't think I should be diagnosed with anything still see me as an innocent child and when I'm sick they fuss over me. I can take care of myself when ill, I'll just return to bed for rest, have a herbal tea and later see if I can get something healthy to eat.

There was a time my mum stopped treating me how she did when I was younger, mostly due to frustration of me still living with her and I was 24. I felt rejected and that I could never be close to her again. Then a few months later I still could rest on her leg like when I was younger. I am a child inside. My emotions are that of a child and I can feel just like I was when I was six or younger. I don't have meltdowns like a child any more because my mum used to yell at me so I had them away from her and other people, and now I have hardly any privacy to have them. They were needed though as an outlet for stress.

I agree that in times of great stress the obvious solution doesn't occur to us. The 'pointers' I've had over the days have seemed obvious but completely escaped me and I feel kind of ashamed by that.

I think like my mum you are frustrated with still taking care of your adult autistic son, but remember, even if he's an adult doesn't mean that he should act like one or even that he knows how to.

How much does he make at his job? Maybe he could get enough funds together to move out, or like me, move in with another family member. Just make sure they are well aware of his Asperger's or autism because living with people who don't see your issues because they don't like diagnostic labels, makes things very difficult.

I yell a lot, but not usually AT anyone. People always ask me 'why are you shouting at me?' which just makes me feel more confused and angry. People expect too much of some people with AS then are surprised when we burn out. They wanted me to be independant but when I tried, I ended up having a massive meltdown which resulted in depression.

My mother tried this on me, and now I don't know if I will ever trust her again. She lied to me so many times about so many things, and now she lies about the lies. If she'd just admit to it, I could let it go, but she doesn't. She just keeps making it worse and worse. And she refused to help me with things I desperately needed help with because she thought that would force me to work on my own - and all it did was push me so deep into depression that all I could think about was suicide. And I was already pretty deep at the time.

I had a similar thing happen with various relatives. The result was I ended up feeling suicidal myself. I can't say as it encouraged me to do anything other than feel that no one gave a damn. I started to view some of them as very cold and uncaring. Callous in some instances actually.

Yes, callous is the perfect word. I remember trying to talk to my mother about my depression and she just sort of waved it off. When I told her I was autistic, she explained her "theory" to me that the reason I have so much difficulty taking care of myself is because my grandmother helped me out a lot, and I was like, "So, what, you would prefer I end up homeless and possibly dead?"

She also congratulated herself on teaching me a host of skills I never learned and have no idea about, that I somehow just "forgot" even though I never had them. I mean, I was constantly reminded to take baths, brush my teeth, do chores, etc. because I would constantly forget. When I moved out, without those reminders, I stopped doing a lot of things.

It's so frustrating. People told her for years there was something different about or wrong with me, but she denied it. Instead she took it out on me when I finally hit the point where I had nowhere else to go because I wasn't able to find a job, let alone hold one.