Finding the right answer

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This happens to me very often:

No matter what the question is, I always seem as the answer can be either true or false. So, if it comes to question of feelings, I still tend to think what would be the right answer. That leads to difficulties in expressing myself in certain situations and on certain topics (how do you feel? for example, I find that very difficult to answer)

It is much, much easier when I wright.

Anyone else with similar experiences?

I don't now how to answer this..
I do all the time but I don't know how much this is connected with what you said. Anything stated seems so relative that immediately I see a ton of ways of answering it based on various vague little assumptions, if that makes sense. I guess I found my way around many of it with some probabilities now outweighing the need to explore for completeness as I age and learn more about all the social varieties. Nevertheless I never "know what is right". The same goes for do.

Yeah. And I've aged quite a bit.

Well, it might be kinda difficult to explain. In short, I am unable to express how I feel; if someone asks me how I am, I usually shrug it away by replying ''fine'' and that's it. But sometimes people are picky and, since my expression is never really happy, they keep pushing it like I am hiding something.
The interesting thing is that then I start analyzing myself in search for ''correct'' answer to how I feel. It ends up in frustration.

It's not a really big issue since most people simply expect you say fine and leave it there. But there were situations where I had to describe how I feel and I was unable to do so.
It seems that for most questions there is either automatic learned reply: yes, no, fine, bad, ok. Or it ends up in analysis.

What I am posting might seem stupid but I am relatively new to this and I am just trying to sort some things out so that I could move on.

That sounds like me, that's the first thought that comes to my mind for any type of question. And then some slight dissatisfaction as to how on Earth could have *this question* been put out there so bluntly.

As with feelings I rarely manage to define how I feel and it is very annoying when in company you have to just put on some "well-defined moods" or push yourself to react appropriately. I don't know how do I deal with it, not being able to define how I feel, I think I have this idea that I feel thoughts. That feelings are more complex expression of thoughts. Since I don't really think in words that makes a ton of sense to me.

I think that's a very good question - it would be interesting to read some studies on how do autistic people feel compared to NTs. It just appears to be so complex, sometimes I even try to feel as I think just so that it would be defined. Yeah I'm not so good at feeling department..

It's not stupid at all. And you already know that for many day to day interactions "ok" or "fine" or "I'm alright" are all that's required of you.

But some people will actually really want to know how or what you feel, and I can't help thinking that you yourself might want to be able to express how or what you are feeling.

Can I ask you 2 follow-on questions from you last post? When you say, "it ends up in analysis", what do you mean by that, can you give a little more detail? And second, do you know how you feel, and you just can't say it, or do you not know what your feelings are?

I don't think this is stupid either. It's like black and white thinking all the time with me, including how I feel. Psychs often get frustrated with me when they ask how I'm feeling and after a long pause I still can't give them the "correct" answer. In my brain it sort of goes: "ok how do I feel? Am I happy or am I sad? Hmmm, sort of in-between. But there's no sitting on the fence so which is it? Hmmm, need an answer here. Better check current and recent thought processes to find an answer. Nup, too much thinking, fog is setting in. Frustration setting in. Better give an answer: 'I don't know.'"

I found out the other day how bad I really am with this right/wrong, true/false, black white thinking from something I feel is related. I'm currently going through diagnosis procedure for Asperger's and had speech assessment the other day. Part of the test was being shown a picture, given a simple word and had to use the word in a sentence which related to the picture. It was very hard for me because as the pathologist said I was taking too long trying to work out what the correct answer was, when in actual fact there was no right or wrong. Even when she demonstrated how NT's would do it, and I could see how simple it was, it still didn't help me do any better. I just kept on over-analyzing the pics expecting to find the missing "puzzle piece" that would give me the correct sentence. Crazy.

This is why I don't answer questions often... it quite irritates people. I'm trying to figure out the correct answer and if I've still not answered within 3 hours its not me purposefully doing anything wrong, I just haven't realized how much time has passed.

I truly and honestly believe that HalibutSandwich answered this greatly. In fact he summed it all up by saying that best answer would be: ''I don't know.''
It is a bit complicated to explain. I know when I am sad, I know when I am happy, but as far as I can understand. But most of the time I feel a bit blunt. You see, either this is very complicated for me to put out.
And, as far as I figure (your questions and replies of other folks here) I know what might be the problem. I am good at blurting out facts and statements. my communication consists mostly of that. Thankfully, I know that I have feelings, quite deep one.
Considering analysis... my brain works kinda like library. Someone asks the question, I search for answer that is imprinted in me (factual, theoretical stuff) and then answer. But sometimes, answer changes according to situation (according to ho you feel) and it's ot preset or imprinted. Therefore, I have to analyze current state in my head to figure out a proper answer.

[quote=''mar00'']
I think that's a very good question - it would be interesting to read some studies on how do autistic people feel compared to NTs. It just appears to be so complex, sometimes I even try to feel as I think just so that it would be defined. Yeah I'm not so good at feeling department..
[/quote]

Yeah, me neither. But I guess it is asperger's after all. It's not that I don't have emotions and it's not even that I don't express them. It's just - I express them in unusual way, often don't know what caused them and so on. As far as it goes for other people - I don't know how to react to other's emotions either. I recognize them but that's it, I do not adjust to them or at least, I can't show it. They confuse me.

[quote=''Tuttle'']
This is why I don't answer questions often... it quite irritates people. I'm trying to figure out the correct answer and if I've still not answered within 3 hours its not me purposefully doing anything wrong, I just haven't realized how much time has passed.[/quote]

Yeah, I know. Well, if the question is easy or I know the answer, it's ok. But when it comes to personal questions, I feel extremely awkward and artificial.

p.s. sorry, I'll have to learn how to multiquote....

When you've worked out how to multiquote let me know, I have the same problem!

Thank you for your explanations. They have helped me in being clearer about your issue, and so has HalibutSandwich's post. I'm NT so it is difficult, but not impossible, to get a sense of this. It will not surprise you in the least that I don 't know how to solve this. There's a few thoughts I have in my head which I hope you'll find at least somewhat relevant.

Anyway I am pleased that you have knowledge of your own feelings, and that as you say they have real depth. That is very important.

The speed of listening into yourself, as it were, to gauge how you feel at any given time or about any given issue, and to find your current emotion and then putting it into words is probably one of the main points. It's all there, it just takes ages. And because it takes ages, you might get a bit lost along the way. Also, feelings can presumably change even while you're analysing them and so you perhaps can't find the original one that you were asked about because it has gone and turned into something else in the meantime.

I understand that issues with processing this kind of stuff is a major feature of ASDs but I wonder whether the whole "oh god I have to talk about my feelings" acts almost like a danger warning and makes the processing issues worse ("I've had trouble with this before, here we go again, I can't do this")? Just a thought.

Would it help to give up the strong distinction between facts and feelings? Because your feelings are facts in the sense that they are "the case" from your perspective. They may be deemed right or wrong or too strong or too weak by others but from your own viewpoint they are what they are and therefore they are facts.

And if they are, would it help to view them almost like scales rather than just pairs of values, kind of like on questionnaires? Ranging over a number of values from one extreme to the opposite. 

Say for an exam result, you might either feel extremely satisfied, very satisfied, satisfied, neutral, disappointed, very disappointed, extremely disappointed.

Or if someone says something nice to you the scale goes from extremely pleased to pleased, (avoiding neutral, see below) and then on the negative side  might head towards either embarrassed (if that's how you feel about praise) or distrustful (if you thought the person didn't mean it or is trying to manipulate you). 

 "Neutral" is of course the tricky one and I get the sense that what you describe as feeling "blunt" is that in the middle "don't really know or care one way or another" setting that you experience. But equally there is that layer of deep feelings that you have and the question is, under what circumstances do you access/experience/express these at the moment, and can theses circumstances be replicated in a day to day setting? Again, just a thought. 

'' " : you used two apostrophes instead of quotes....
i think.

I don't even play that game anymore. If "I'm fine" isn't good enough for them though sh**.

It's their damned problem if they can't accept the truth. I don't feel extreme emotions (for ME they are extreme), except in rare circumstances. 98% of the time, I'm content, and perfectly happy and satisfied to be nothing more than that.

I can't help it if that isn't good enough for others, and I don't accept that I have to give any other answer than the truth. If they can't accept that, to hell with them.

Isn't that called alexithymia?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexithymia

Yeah. And from that page:

It is interesting, really. I never thought about emotions that much, they always felt quite reactive to external stimuli more then anything else. There were other things I thought about - one must differentiate between emotion and emotional state.
I also read that it actually isn't very good thing to analyze your emotions too much because it is often impossible to find the reasons why are we feeling the way we do. For example, if you wake up in the morning and feel good and then try to find a reason why, there is a good chance of becoming ''depressed'' for not finding a reason to be happy.

There is yet another interesting example. I play guitar, and I play it good. I realized that I don't use that instrument as a tool for expressing emotion as much as I use it as a tool to express ideas and thoughts. Sam things goes for writing, I usually write to express certain ideas...eve if it is some sort of fiction, ideas are main underlying concept.
I remember one particular case. I've been writing some SF when I was around 15yo, and the main concept was an AI, gigantic artificial brain that was constructed after devastating world war to regenerate the world and create a better, safer society. I was not at all interesting in emotions of my characters, and their struggles...what interested me was how would that world function so there were social classes, and it was very, very categorized.
People say that my writing is good but kinda cold, and that, even when I am writing fiction it feels kinda scientific. I suck at writing dialogues.

Anyway, these were just examples of restrictions I feel with emotions. I wouldn't say that I am unable to write, think and feel about emotions but there are restrictions which personally I don't mind but they made me think about certain aspects of my life I didn't consider before.

Thank you all very much for replying. I must say that you are all much more helpful then many books I read, and many ''professionals'' I met. What is really important is that people with mental conditions (autistic, ret*d or mentally ill) speak for themselves, It is important for us to be subjects ind discussion, not an object of discussion.