Easier to not talk....... all I say is "weird"

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Does anyone else find it better or more comforting just to be totally silent all of the time and not even engage in conversation ?? I completely feel at this stage of my life that anything I say, in any conversation, in any context will be interpreted by the other party as "weird."

It started back when I was in elementary school, and I was very outgoing (even with AS,) and I would approach anybody and engage them with whatever I had on my mind. As i became 11 or 12, it became horribly apparent to me that anybody I tried to talk to or interact with wasn't reciprocating......... the would roll their eyes or just think whatever I had said or done was weird. This realization made me extremely self-conscious and crushed my self-esteem. I became extremely gunshy and reluctant to interact with anybody.

My social radar really developed in these years, and It became very clear to me just what a lowly lifeform I was. My mother even said to me several times in my life things to the effect of "I'm glad you didn't win the geography bee, as you would have just gotten up to the podium in front of everybody and said something weird, which would really have embarassed me." Even me doing something so great as winning the geography bee would have been destroyed and ruined in her mind by social faux pas........ being a social success was 10000x more important than any other achievement to her. She made it clear in no uncertain terms by the time I was a teenager how unbearably embarassed she was by everything i said and did. (I had AS and was a humiliation.)

(I actually did come close to winning the state Geography Bee a few times, and my mom actually said to me that she was glad I did not have a chance to win and give some sort of speech as the awkwardness of it and the "strange things" she was sure I would say would be too humiliating for her.)

I think it did not take long for me to mentally jump to the realization that if I was so humiliating my parents, then all I said and did in any interaction was surely also shaming to me. I knew there was something terribly wrong with me, and I was doing something to be socially at the bottom of the totem pole, but I was not sure what it was. I knew for a fact that there was something I was doing in my conversations that was causing adults and other kids to shut off to me after their initial enthusiasm for talking with me. It was like people would initially want to engage me, but then they would start to groan and try and "out" after I spoke a few sentences.

It became clear to me that everything I was saying to people was "weird" and was fundamentally different from how normal people went on in conversations. The problem was that from a distance, I appeared "NT enough" to where people just assumed and expected I would behave normally (they still do.) I actually suspect that my life would have been a bit easier if I had been less intelligent or my autistic traits more pronounced, as there would have been more of an obvious gap between myself and normal people to where they would have had no expectations for me. As I manifested as intelligent in some areas, I was held to a very high standard in all areas, even though I was socially and developmentally delayed several years (but people thought I was intentionally being odd or rebellious with them or something.)

I think if I had been less intelligent or "aware" it would have been easier as I could have been less paranoid about what was happening on my social radar. For example, I knew for a fact that people were forming internal opinions of me, but I would exaggerate them to ludicrous proportions to where they were ready to jump at me and slit my throat if I made one wrong move. (these ideas came from my parents who "drilled" me mercilessly and thus made me very timid around people, and I grew to expect that others would do and think the absolute worst to me.) My parents had good intent to "train" me to become more social by endless practice, but all that happened was I became so terrified to talk to anybody, and constantly hearing about it just affirmed to me even more how stunted I was.

What happened was I was VERY tuned in to the world around me, but everything entered my brain through some sort of AS prism and filter, to where it would get so distorted that my reaction to the world was completely incorrect. I would do "the wrong thing" in every situation and totally misread everybody's intentions. For example, if someone just wanted "a fun conversation," I might interject with a statement that was far too pedantic for the occasion, and I would completely ruin the entire "mood." If some people were just about shooting the s**t, I would totally kill the "vibe," and this is why my interpersonal relations were always so disastrous.

Over time, it became clear to me that I was so hopeless that just saying nothing was truly the best road. I could not even make adequate "small talk" to even warm up for a deeper conversation. This is why I missed so many opportunities as people thought I was an odd one just in confirming to them that I was an adequate partner to share ideas with.

I just began to not talk to anybody, at all. It got to the point where I couldn't even pretend to care or even try and create the illusion that I was normal or able to chat with anybody. When I was in the Army, this caused huge problems later in my unit as it was MANDATORY to have proper social relations and be chummy with your "battle-buddies." I was in a unit where they were huge on all of those unwritten social code-of-brotherhood rules, like you all had to eat lunch with eachother and have so many "fundatory" social events. When I got to that unit, it was the same-old-same-old to where I couldn't meet those expectations, and my Commanding-Officer turned on me without pity as he thought I was willfully not participating in the group dynamic.

One of the rules of this unit was that everybody had to be with another "battle-buddy" all of the time around base when possible, so I could not even walk off towards the PX without someone seeing me and wanting to "tag along." A couple thought I would enjoy it having a friend or having company, but I didn't enjoy it at all and I made no secret of not even wanting friends. (I was only in the Army as a last resort for a sure paycheck........ I hated the Army and I did not want to be there at all tbh. and I had no passion for it.)

This was only one of many social rules I was bungling......... I was fine with following the buddy system there for appearances sake, but it was overwhelming after some time, and I NEEDED down-time and alone time. I gradually began to function worse and worse, to where i quit talking at all. I literally could not talk and have words come out.

Thats why in my life, I just quit talking since I knew anything I invariably said would be perceived as being "weird" by any listener. In the Army, it was the same case there as all of those mandatory conversations were interpreted in the worst way.

Let me begin by saying that as a fellow former "American fighting man" (I was in the Air Force), I thank you for your service. I am sorry that you were persecuted there, because you were different.

What you have to say resonates in me. Sometimes, it CAN be better to just say nothing.

As a young man, I chose to overcome those feelings of inadequacy by refusing to care further about what others, besides God, thought of me. I'm not saying that was exactly the best or practical solution, but they didn't know what AS was then, and I had to cope in some way.

For me, the AF was somewhat different; it was a lot like a regular job. As long as you were where you were supposed to be when you supposed to be there, 'your time' was pretty much your own to do with as you saw fit. I strived to keep a car of my own, so I could go off by myself.

During the time I served (1982-1989), common sense, individuality, and teamwork were encouraged. My fellow airmen didn't seem to mind all that much that I was different. Actually, there were times when I was not the only one that was different, and at times, these same people actually helped me to make it through. They knew they could count on me when they needed to, and that was all that mattered.

I hope you are able to ultimately overcome the fear of communication that others have placed in you. Fortunately, there is a lot more awareness of, and more resources are available for, those with AS than ever before.

Have A Great Day!

Rob

I feel the exact same way.
I started to change around 13 years old.
It's around that age when everyone stops blaming your actions on you being young and innocent, and people just start persecuting your behavior.

Over the past several years, I have had lots of times to think and plenty of meltdowns. After reading about Asperger's and actually starting to have some independence where I'm not around my family, I have started to get better at this.
Basically, you have to accept that you will not be as natural at social situations as other people and just try to learn the accepted way of doing things.
You might not realize right away when you did something weird, and you might have to think about it to figure it out.
You can think about what other non-ASD people do and look at your actions logically as someone else would see it. (Perhaps after-the-fact when you have time to think.)
Figure out what they were thinking. (Or perhaps post on these forums if you feel like it, as I'm sure someone will tell you what was weird about it.)
With enough practice and reinforcement, you can make conversations and things less weird. You can get people to actually be okay with talking to you and not afraid to hang out with you if you get good enough at it.

Being completely silent is, of course, weird, but talking too much is also weird, so you have to learn to be concise while also saying enough to convey the full message. You also have to practice projecting your voice and talking loud enough. (Also, enunciating.)

If you're confident in yourself, a lot of the time people won't care as long as it's not too weird.
If you mess up in some way, you can try to distract them from it by acting 'normal' to make them forget about it, and it might seem like a quirk in your personality or something.
It's also important that you don't lock yourself away from other people, because the skill in social situations will deteriorate over time, as with any skill.

EDIT (More info.):
A good way to test your social ability is to try striking a conversation with a total stranger where appropriate.
For example: when you go to get your hair cut, the person cutting your hair usually tries to have a conversation with you.
See if you can handle the conversation without feeling a little uncomfortable or it getting weird. Of course, it's much easier to talk to someone about something you're interested in, so you might have nothing to talk about, but that's normal. They usually only talk about general topics though, like "how was your day?" or something like that. You should be able to answer these questions without coming off as rude or strange. If you're really good at it, you can even ask questions yourself.

yes.

You've just got to think about potential common interests. If some your interests are "unusual" to NTs then try not to focus too much on them early on in conversations. Instead, focus more on things like music, current TV series and films, current affairs and so on. Maybe even throw in some stuff about the weather. Another key aspect of not being perceived as "odd" by NTs is taking turns in conversation. Do you find you tend to talk more in conversations than the person you're talking to? In other words, has anyone ever told you you have a tendency to "go on and on"? You need to give the person you're talking to time to reply. Generally, talking for over about 30 seconds or more may irritate the other person, as they may feel that you're not finding what they are saying is interesting. However, don't consciously time how long you're taking to speak: just let it come naturally. Finally, try to be more relaxed, try and make eye contact with the other person (but not too much or it looks forced) and don't look around the room too much.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes. I have massive amounts of respect for you, Pengu1n. Your words hit me deep. I can relate to every word.

Haha, I'm stumbling over mountains of thoughts to say, so before I make myself sound like an idiot or offend you, I will stop.

You're awesome. Find your own way.

Your parents handled your social difficulties horribly and made them worse. I am so sorry you had to go through that.

As for practical advice, when you say something that's over people's heads, it's not your fault they are stupid or ignorant, but they will be uncomfortable and try to play it off like you are weird or stupid or uncool. There's nothing saying you have to care what those people think. Eventually you will run into someone like you who is so excited that they have met someone they can finally talk to, it will be like you've met your long lost twin.

When in doubt, let the other person talk. People love to talk about themselves. Ask questions to draw them out. For example, if someone mentions their fish tank, ask them if it's saltwater or fresh. Let them answer. What they said will probably leave a natural opening for another question, like how did you learn to do that, or how long have you been interested in fish. Interject your feelings and thoughts so they don't feel like they are being grilled, like "oh that's interesting" or "my uncle used to do that" or "that seems like it takes a lot of practice to get good at". This tactic requires you to really listen to the other person, which will take your mind off of wondering how you are coming across and reduce your anxiety. I have had entire conversations like this, mostly with strangers or coworkers, where the other person walks away all happy because someone listened to them and I haven't really had to say anything about myself.