I wanted to share with you all about my previous depression

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As of recent, I've been in sort of a mini-depression; no, I'd rather not divulge the details, it's something I'm sure I'll be able to work out over time. Nonetheless, one great thing that came out of it surprisingly enough was very vivid details of my depression from around 10 years ago: how I fell into it, and how I finally got out of it.

I thought I'd share it with all of you, in hopes that maybe you can understand where much of my mentality comes from, and for all I know some things might even inspire you somewhat.


Let me start by saying my depression started when I was 16. You may be thinking "well you were a teenager, so what'd you expect?" To be fair though, I believe this depression was inevitable; I don't consider it some stupid teenager thing; this was something I needed to happen.

Most of my childhood I lacked a lot of self-confidence, and was admittedly very jealous of my cousins. My parents and I were the only broke members of our entire family; our families were very financially well-off, and we lived in a very rich part of NJ. My cousins all had plenty of friends, were getting straight As in school, and one of them was even noticed on the beach in her bathing suit, and was given employment as a model. And believe me if you look at her, you'd understand why.

I didn't understand why everyone else was so well off, but we weren't. I figured that everyone surrounding me must be doing something right that I wasn't. No matter how much I tried to emulate it, it didn't work. I was doing lousy in school, I wasn't very strong or athletic, and it appeared I wasn't good at a damn thing. I believed everyone had a better life than I did.

My family kept trying to prop me up by telling me "how smart" they thought I was( I didn't see it), and "how impressed they were" that I knew how to use a computer and knew about technology( if this already sounds incredibly lame to you, and you're not buying it, you're not alone). They kept telling me to "keep doing good in school, try my hardest, and take part in activities with other students"; take note that they also wanted me to "stop playing with those stupid toys and watching cartoons and focus on important adult issues".

I didn't really believe them deep down, but I figured maybe they knew something I didn't.

I kept failing miserably in virtually every area of my life, but kept chugging along, in hopes that things would finally turn around.

One day, while walking with my friend, he basically laid it out for me and all but told me that I sucked at everything I was doing, I wasn't very smart, my family couldn't stand me, the works. Now, he didn't use those exact words obviously...but...he was right. And before you go and say "oh he was just being a mean, insecure person", admittedly yes he is a very insecure person...yet nonetheless everything he was saying was true. And deep down inside, I knew it was true.

Basically, for years, I'd told myself that everything these people were telling me was true, even though it was staring me in the face that they'd been lying to me like crazy. Nothing I was doing that they tried to push on me I was even remotely good at, and I kept failing miserably. I started having fights with my family, and questioning authority more than I ever had before. I no longer trusted my classmates, my teachers, or my family, save partially for my parents whom my family couldn't really stand either. If you want to know how bad my fights got with family during most of my depression...I lost my grandfather shortly after graduating high school, and it had been ages since we'd spoken. That's right...I never even got the chance to make amends with him at all( something I hope to put somewhat right in time, but that's another story for another day)

So what'd my family do when I inquired for advice? They just kept lying, and giving me bad advice upon bad advice. The worst part of it was that I realized my trust in them was completely gone...and they were making no attempts whatsoever to regain it; it was like they didn't even care.

Now, do take note that much of what I'm telling you up to this point I experienced before I learned of being Autistic. So honestly I just didn't understand why I was being rejected by everyone under the sun. Even if they told me I wasn't, I could tell I was.

After graduating high school, and dropping out of college( I assure you the experience was not what I thought it would be), not to mention disappointing my Mom who was devastated over this development hoping she'd have everyone's approval upon me completing some courses that meant pretty much nothing to me, I had to do some soul-searching. My main concern at the time was that I was under the belief I'd never find true love( and to this day, I believe if I'd stayed in NJ, I never would have). I would be whining about it all the time, I'm not kidding.

Around this time is when I found out about being Autistic...but the knowledge was very new, and limited information existed about it, so I didn't really pursue it much further at the time.

Well, one night at my job, we all went out to celebrate our store manager's leaving...and everyone brought dates, except for one person. I maintained my composure the entire meal, then went home, and burst into tears. The worst part is...I dragged a former classmate into it while I was online( years later, I thanked her for being there for me).

Then...my crying stopped. I felt a lot better. I realized that night...I'd hit rock bottom. I needed to hit rock bottom; once you hit rock bottom, there's only one way to go: back up.

Feeling admittedly a little bit better, I started trying to figure out what my positive traits were. The reality is...still no one could figure it out. My then-boss who I've already mentioned got them all wrong. At this time I also attempted some dating: two of the women stood me up, and one date went successful, though the woman couldn't stand me( at least I can say I'd finally gone out on a date )

I continued to get the same piss-poor excuses of advice from everyone; almost like they were completely intellectually and morally bankrupt...and telling me what they thought I wanted to hear, which by this time...I really didn't anymore.

As more time passed, I realized two things:

1. I had to find myself on my terms, not theirs.

2. There was no shame in admitting what I wasn't good at. I also realized they didn't understand that admitting when I'm terrible at something is not putting myself down; it's just being honest.

So, I started joking around about my short-fallings. If I was terrible at something, there was no use in getting defensive over people telling me I was terrible about it; I just admitted it, and even threw a few self-deprecating jokes in about it( I've actually made an art of this in recent years, after my full-fledged understanding of being Autistic). But I played their game when I told them "I'll make every effort to fix this".


I knew I loved toys and cartoons...and nothing they could say would make me change my mind; I saw it as more of an attack on what I loved--and an empty one at that--than any actual substantial concerns. So, I started heavily focusing on those things, and I got really good at it.

I soon enough not only discovered the "aftermarket", but eBay trading, as well as international trading, and met an overseas buddy who I made trades with from time to time. We're still connected to this day, and we've chatted on the phone too; I even got to hang out with him once!

I was so good at my trade that I brought people into my job just by being that damn good at my trade, chatting with them about all the releases...and my store even made me the Head of the "Trend" section; it didn't pay any more or anything, but I loved the recognition

I even wound up grabbing the attention of a very prominent now-former employee of a then-prominent toy company....and one of the top action figure sculptors in the toy world today( the latter of whom I still know somewhat, and am connected to on Facebook)!

And my knowledge even brought me to the attention of a kid I made friends with soon after, who I one day took a trip to a comic shop with....and in the process found my calling in life: I wanted to run my own toy store, which as you know...I do now!

And of course one day I struck up a conversation with someone who walked into the store, and he kept coming back in the store since I was apparently the only one who'd pay any attention to him, and we decided to hang out, and he brought his friends along.

Today, most of those friends are now gone, but I'm still friends with three of them, two of whom are my best friends, and one of who semi-helped me find my girlfriend of now almost 4 years.

And speaking of the girlfriend thing, at my previous job just before this one, I was talking to a co-worker about my dating problems. Get ready for this: he gave me better advice in five minutes than pretty much anyone else had given me in over ten years.


My entire point in this was to show what I learned from what I went thru, and hope that maybe it can inspire some of you folks. And I'm more than happy to answer any questions you may have. BTW, my room-mate suggested that much later down the road in my life, I write an autobiography; yes, I'm totally down for that

You really wrote a novel.

Anyways, I'm glad that you finally feel better about yourself. Nothing can compare to that feeling of contentment with one's self.

Hi Doctor82, I think it's great you finally found yourself & figured out how to live life on your terms. Sounds like you're living the good life now. Awesome!

Thank you very much for your post TheDoctor82, I'm happy that you're able to work in an area of your passion.

I don't think you can learn some of these life lessons without going through the pain. When people are in pain, I hope that one day their pain leads them to some epiphanies of their own. Usually advice won't get them there.

It is indeed nice to finally find contentment and peace. It's a homecoming, of sorts. Glad to hear your story.