I finally told my sister

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I had to. Yesterday, she said something to my daughter that had a very negative impact. My daughter, who has (in her words) been told by teachers to think of what she wanted to do in college (she is now in 10th grade). She has it all laid out. She is going into music performance. I told her that if she did that, she was going to double major so that she could get a job in something. Right now, she does not see that she does not need to go to school to major in music performance if she just wants to perform. I am slowly introducing the idea that she can do this. She is very slow to change. In the mean time, I have told her that she should double major, and she has decided to do this. She also has said that she will not have any kids until she has a job and is financially ready to have kids. I figure that she will end up with one major, but if she really wants, she can do two. This is her choice. No one can live her life for her.

Anyway, she told my sister (the bio-psych major) this, and my sister asked how old she was and told her basically that she was making a huge mistake and that she needed to actually live a life. That's not the words that were used, but that's how my daughter took it. My sister has been working her tail off at school (partying and ending up homeless and back at her dad's house because she has not been responsible), and in her opinion, has not allowed herself to live (which I do not understand since she is always partying and stuff). My sister is projecting her mistakes on my daughter. I think in a way, I am too (I got married and had kids before I finished school, but the idea is purely my daughter's. She said she does not want to end up in the position I was), but I think getting through school and not getting pregnant (which is what my daughter said) is far better than being a party animal (which is what my sister is). My sister said she has burnt herself out with school and my daughter will be doing the same if she does this..

I could see that my daughter was confused, and I took my sister into the kitchen and said: You do know that "my daughter" has Asperger's... right?" She said no and looked at me like I was insane. She then told me I was wrong. When I told her that four different drs have said this, she still scoffed at it, told me that my daughter was too smart and had too good of a head to have it... She told me that teens are argumentative. That they have "fits." It was normal. I tried to explain that it was more than meltdowns. She said ""Your daughter" is not sick. I said: of course she is not sick. Aspergers is not a sickness. I told her she could talk with my daughter's diagnosing dr (she has offered to talk to scoffers). My sister is mad, and when I mentioned that I have it as well, she looked at my like I was crazy.

I am so tired of dealing with people. I want to move away and forget any of my family. No one will accept me. People who my kids need to accept them are in denial (or use the diagnosis for sympathy of their own). I am so tired of my family. When I got done with my family, my daughter was on the floor of my moms restroom curled in a ball. I had to tell her that my sister was just concerned. That she did not mean it how she came across. My daughter was so confused. She thought she was doing right, then was told she was doing wrong. I can't take my daughter getting hurt so much. I don't want to deal again. I am tired of it.

I'm not sure what bio-psych majors study, but apparently they don't study AS...or your sister was at a party that week. Otherwise, she would know that people with AS are of average to above average or even superior intelligence, and do not necessarily have poor judgement outside of the social realm.

I certainly had better judgement than your sister. Which brings us to the topic of "living". My idea of "living" has nothing to do with partying, and are only mildly self destructive at best. For example, I might have two pieces of pie instead of one. I would likely be fairly miserable in the types of environments your sister considers fun.




This is what I would tell your daughter. There isn't always a "right way" to do something in life. Different people will have different philosophies in life, shaped by their own life experiences. Your sister might regret not having "lived" enough when she was younger, but had she completely forgone college to "live" she might today regret not having gone to college.

Some things, people only know in hindsight and just because a person ends up discontent on one path, doesn't mean they wouldn't have been just as discontent or more discontent on another path, had they taken it.

My personal philosophy is that going to college still gives individuals more opportunities in life which can result in success and/or financial stability.

If we examine those for whom going to college had proven to be detrimental to them, they generally end up being individuals who...

1. Funded the bulk of their education via loans and chose a major which offered poor job prospects. These are usually fields where the primary career opportunity ends up being teaching the field, and where a bachelors degree does not suffice for procuring those positions. For example, English, arts, gender/chicano/women's studies, or psychology.

Or fields which the job market has devalued or saturated: Business (you usually need at least an MBA as well) and journalism.

2. People who burn out to the extent that they have no motivation left.

I think a double major in performance music and something practical would be a wise choice, or a major in one thing and a minor in another.

Your daughter likely got upset because she felt she was being attacked and did not know how to defend herself. She should know that she does not have to actually justify her choices and views to most people. It's nice to be able to offer a logical explanation but when it's a subjective issue or the other person is apparently closed off to hearing logical explanations, it's easier just to let the other person talk, or tell them you've already made up your mind.