Do we grieve "normally"?

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My mother passed away in January, and the old reptile brain refuses to accept that she's dead. We weren't that close, so I'm not overwhelmed by devastation, and I'm married and live in my own home, so it's not like I can't manage without her, I wasn't dependent on her. It's just plain old denial.

Grieving has been codified into stages, with the most popular #s of stages being 5

http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

and 7

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-sta ... grief.html

By any standard, I'm stuck in stage 1 after nearly a year, which is apparently far from normal.

If you've lost a loved one, and grieved for that person, was your grief anything like those stages, or was it different?

I don't really recognise any of those stages except perhaps for depression, though I was already depressed so the loss just plunged me further down.

I spent 3 years reviewing mentally all of my interactions with the deceased, going over and over the same events. I guess I was trying to understand if I understood them and if they had understood me but I never was able to resolve anything. It was torture.

A friend was hit by a car two years ago, I spent almost all the time bouncing between anger at the driver and depression... I think i've reached acceptance now, but its hard to tell. never had denial or barganing.

I personally feel logic helps us view death as just a part of nature. Just as someone wouldn't grieve a cocoon because it is empty; we realize its inhabitant has morphed into a moth or a butterfly. The same concept is applicable to the human body as well. The essence that was that person hasn't ceased to exist, it is just in a different reality from the one we are accustomed to.

What is "normally"? People deal with loss in their own way. At my Grandfather's funeral, while other members of my family were sobbing I just stood quietly remembering the times we'd spent together and being grateful that he'd survived WW II and lived to see his children grow up and have children of their own. I didn't feel that there was any need to cry at the end of what was a long and happy life. Grieve in whatever way feels right for you, don't feel that you're somehow "doing it wrong".

http://asdculture.wikispaces.com/Grief+and+ASD

One of our members has written an outstanding article on ASD and grief.

My grandfather committed suicide in June. I spent the first three months feeling relieved for him that he was no longer in emotional pain. (he hadn't been the same since grandma died) During this time I was also the only one in my familly who wasn't angry at him, all my other family members were consumed with anger at him for 'being so selfish'.

The thought of him being selfish seemed very incorrect to me, but then again, I've suffered many years of depression so maybe I could just relate better to why a person would opt for suicide.

Then I had three months of terrible saddness where I was crying constantly and feeling so bad and guilty for being a person who couldn't open up to him (or any family member for that matter) I've always felt 'off' and therefore uncomfortable so kept a distance and things between us after I became an adult were very superficial and I only saw him once a year although he only lived an hour and a half away.

So I had guilt for being the anti social person that I am and couldn't stop grieving over all the times he phoned and wrote letters only to get slight responses from me.

Crazy thing is I loved him terribly! Just never felt understood and always felt I was a dissappointment so I kept a distance. It was actually painful to feel love for him because I didn't know how to act, or show affection, I would shut down with shyness when around him because I admired him so much that I just felt so 'wrong' whenever I was around him.

I had to work on forgiving myself for the way I am and the way I kept our relationship. This month seems much better, no more crying and I feel like I've forgiven myself. Still don't have any need to have him be alive agian, still happy he's moved on and is now out of his pain.

So it seems my grieving was about missed opportunity and upset over my actions, never about the other person being gone. I suppose to me other people are always kind of 'far away' for me so death isn't that much different?

I've actually experienced a lot of death in the last few years and same thing, more upset over if I'd been a good enough friend, family member then wanting or needing them back.

Just wanted to add, I have a hard time with those stages of grief.

I believe they are too 'cookie cutter' and people get too stuck needing an outline or direction for life. I think this is an area where no outline will fit everyone.

Especially for someone like me who rarely gets angry and never goes into bargaining for anything. Personally I've found bargaining to be more of a cultural thing, some cultures do it and some don't.

It's not a stage process, it's cyclical.

I think that people with AS/autism probably take longer to process each stage of grief or bypass some completely. It's been 11 years since my Granny died of Cancer. It was only this year that I was able to accept it. Unfortunately shortly afterwards my beloved rabbit died so I have gone back into a cycle I had spent 11 years trying to get out of

I cannot help you as I have never experienced these feelings of grief even when a family member died.

They are simply "gone". I think about them sometimes. Remembering good times is nice.
Sometimes I want to share something with the departed person and can't so I am momentarily sad.
Sometimes I feel angry at people who did not reach out to help the person, and as I see it, contributed to the loss.

Thank you for The 5 Stages link, that's interesting and helpful for me to understand NT behavior.
I maybe feel anger, and depression. But not deeply at all. I don't deal with emotions much, only logic.

However, I have not yet lost one of the very few people in the world I truly care deeply about.
At least not since I was 19 and lost my grandmother.
The thought of losing one of those people scares me terribly. I do not know how I will cope with the
loss of one of them some day. It's bound to happen. Will I shut down and simply stop myself? I don't know.

Thank you for the link to Karla's page. Something else new and useful from this forum.

I hope you find your answers, OP.

Thank you, that's an excellent article!!

So... it's looking like we don't adhere much, if it all, to the NT models of grieving.

It makes it a little harder, since I don't know what to expect; I feel stuck, and naturally none of the people in my life understand what I'm going through.

I feel like I should be doing something to process my mother's death in my mind, but it's really stressful to try to force my brain to focus on it and it leaves me in a sort of limbo where anything I do seems counterproductive.