What is "manipulative?"

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Edit: I overemphasized the reasons I was researching manipulative behavior in the first place. The reason I posted this was to have a list of resources for people. I find that I can be easily manipulated in some circumstances face-to-face, especially as my "social cognition" is slow and I miss a lot of nonverbal information. I don't figure out what happened until hours or days later. But the links below actually were fairly helpful in identifying manipulative behavior, so I thought I'd post them.

I've noticed an extremely high correlation between me mentioning that I've been misdiagnosed with BPD and other people saying that I am manipulative. In fact, the correlation is 100% - I've never to my knowledge been called manipulative before the diagnosis, nor am I typically called manipulative unless the person knows about the diagnosis or I recently mentioned it. The last time, within about 12 hours of my posting on this forum that I had been misdiagnosed, someone else accused me of being manipulative.

However, because of the first of these occasions, I started researching what "manipulative" means, and found that a lot of discussion revolved around the behavior that was being directed at me. I found several pages that discussed this:

http://www.rickross.com/reference/brain ... ing11.html

http://www.friedgreentomatoes.org/artic ... lation.php

http://shine.yahoo.com/work-money/5-beh ... 49848.html

http://www.wikihow.com/Pick-Up-on-Manipulative-Behavior

http://www.helium.com/items/423269-what ... ersonality

http://www.way-of-the-mind.com/manipulative-people.html

http://www.scribd.com/doc/5563948/Manipulative-Behavior

The one that stood out for me:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pow ... gaslighted

The behavior, not the article. In the first particular instance, I had one person aggressively trying to convince me that my childhood was different from what I remembered, that my behavior isn't what I perceive it to be and what others have told me it is, that everything I knew about myself was wrong. He was trying to control my perceptions of my own reality, my perceptions of myself and reshape them into perceptions he found acceptable. In this case, said person was militantly against self-diagnosis and highly critical of adult diagnosis of ADHD. I suspect, but do not know, that due to our rather intense disagreements as to the value and accuracy of self-diagnosis, that he was personally invested in proving that I was wrong about both ADHD and AS. Any behavior of mine that fit into AS or ADHD was simply manipulation to "prove" I really had those instead of what he thought I had (which was BPD). He also actively tried to interfere with my interactions with my therapist by calling her expertise, competence, and professionalism into question when I said that her assessment was entirely the opposite of his, despite the fact that he's on the internet and doesn't really know me, and she saw me in person on a weekly basis.

Anyway, I thought gathering up a list of manipulative behaviors and signs of manipulative behavior would be helpful here.

Last edited by Verdandi on 05 Jan 2012, 11:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Vervandi, clearly I don't know you, but I read here a lot and have read a plethora of your posts. I find your general approach to be objective, as in; you seem to always to be digging to find out the objective truth about whatever is at issue. This is the polar opposite of manipulative behavior which involves twisting & torquing reality to suit one's own purposes.

Thank you - I appreciate that. I think I made the OP too much about me, though, and why I ended up looking all this information up.

More, I think that autistic people are often easily manipulated, and felt that linking some descriptions of manipulative behavior and how to tell when you're being manipulated might help people. Obviously, the written word doesn't save me from being sidetracked.

Find a simple definition of the word: manipulative:

IF it does not FIT YOU, don't worry about IT.

IF it FITS YOU, don't worry about IT, either

It's a win-win situation.


TheSunAlsoRises

OK, understood. And I understand your motivation. Whenever I witness the manipulation of the openhearted, my stomach churns and I want to grind my teeth.

*Edited to say: I already know. I know the cliques, and I know the games.

The literal and emotional can be just as aggravating at times. I mean, there is a 42 page long thread on the topic of Autism Speaks that proves my point quite nicely.

TheSunAlsoRises

Oh, look, I learned something. Me; Ms Teflon, I found a nugget in one of your links:

http://shine.yahoo.com/work-money/5-beh ... 49848.html

I always just say the last part; "I don't wanna do that" and/or "No, I'm not gunna do that." And even though that's certainly effective it gives the manipulator fuel to say I'm uncaring, unhelpful, uncharitable, etc. And I just allow that criticism to stand; as the better alternative to being successfully manipulated.

I like the first part; asking whether they want me to do it because I have to or because I want to. It's pulling the rope taught; untwisting the manipulation in a single swift jerk of the wrist! I swear to use this extra step from here on.

TheSunAlsoRises; you're "editing" my post?!

Where?

TheSunAlsoRises

There.

Your quote was left intact. It was my post that was edited not yours. BUT, you already know this.

TheSunAlsoRises

Yeah, this one is something my grandmother would do to me all the time, except that because of the way she asked, I would usually say "no" because I was doing something else. "Do you want to do this for me?" "No." And then she'd get angry. I didn't always say no, and I said if she made it absolutely clear it was something she needed done, I would certainly do it, but asking me if I want to do something when I'm doing something else will pretty consistently get the same response.

In the instance earlier this year that led me to researching "manipulative" I found that as long as I let people define the terms for me, they could paint me into a corner - and they in fact expected me to let them define the terms. Which in that case was, everything I did was evidence that they were right: I acted autistic, that proved I was manipulative. I didn't act like they'd expect me to act if I had BPD, that proved I was manipulative. I said I didn't have BPD, that proved I was manipulative. I tried to disagree, that proved I was manipulative. So everything but agreeing that I had BPD and was manipulative proved I had BPD and was manipulative.

I found several pages that described this tactic, of forcing people into a corner where everything ends up making the manipulator right. What I actually did was walk away. Everything else was a pointless waste of time.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-ibK5L2a4I&feature=related[/youtube]

TheSunAlsoRises

I am convinced that walking away has preserved as much peace of mind as just about anything.

Yes, I think that's probably true.

I also have less patience for arguing with people about who and/or what I am since that whole mess. It was a valuable lesson, and some of the people involved have actually apologized for their part in it. The person I perceived all along as being the primary mover hasn't spoken to me, but I have no desire to ever speak to him.

I think manipulation has a loose definition. Mothers manipulate their children to use the toilet or eat healthy foods (Here comes the choo-choo.) Teachers manipulate their students to learn a particular task (Make it fun.) A child manipulates their parent to get their way, or maybe just what they need, like a hug. Politicians manipulate voters to pick them. Dogs try to manipulate treats out of their masters.

All manipulation is not bad, much is necessary. Manipulation is a natural behavior. It's how to get what we want and need.