Aspies and independence

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How independent are you?

My parents keep going on about my lack of independence and how I'll never survive in the real world. The fact I hate going out and hardly ever leave the house, that I'm not streetwise and the fact that I lack any sense of direction really scares them. And it is starting to scare me too. Most teenagers I know are able to get from A to B by themselves, they can use the train independently and they know the local area around them and the area near school really well.

I can't seem to "pick things up" as fast, going out by myself really scares me and when I go out with my friends (which I rarely, if ever do) it is upsetting that they know more about these things than I do. When I go out I feel unsure in my own skin, I feel like I don't belong here.

Do any of you feel like this?

Nope.

I force myself.

I am not capable of living with others, so I either live by myself, or perish. Currently, I'm in my own apartment, drive my own car, and pay my own bills.

My suggestion is to take some planned short trips with someone waiting for you at both ends and carry a cell phone. You might try looking at a map and planning your route before you go. Find some unique visual element as you follow the route and use that as a landmark. I find it's much easier to follow a map rather than written or even memorized directions. The more you do it the better you'll get at it.

I know it's easier said than done, but don't worry about what others can do. Try to improve on what you can do.

*As for feeling that way: Not as much as you but a little. It takes me forever to get street names right so I generally navigate by landmarks. I grew up in a small town though, so that worked well for me at your age. Nowadays, I look at google maps when I need to go somewhere new.

Thank you, I'll try learning the route and following a map. I hate following verbal instructions, they are so vague sometimes.

OK, let's start with the example you cited: using a train.

It sounds like you're allowing fear of making a mistake or getting confused to create a bigger problem than the actual mistake or confusion would cause.

The first step is to get an iPhone or Android phone. Why? Because it will largely solve any anxiety-related issues you might have about the availability of a map or schedule, and will empower you (courtesy of Google Maps, GPS, the train network's website, and the internet in general) to get any information you might crave about the train network at the exact moment you want it. If the trains are aboveground, you can even watch yourself moving in realtime on the map (complete with overlaid satellite & aerial imagery). If the trains are underground, it will still probably be able to get a location fix whenever the train stops moving in a station.

OK, so maybe you'll get on the wrong train. If that happens, get off at the next stop, and go back in the other direction. Yeah, it sucks and will waste time, but it's not the end of the universe.

If you're worried about change, buy a smartcard and load it up with enough cash to travel for a week. Once again, a bad decision will suck and waste money, but it won't be the end of the world.

To paraphrase Tom Cruise... sometimes, you've just gotta say, "What the f**k" and have fun doing it.

Try taking the train on a Saturday to go someplace where you don't have to go, and don't have to be at any particular time, in the middle of the day so there's no danger of missing the last train. Take 4-10 times as much cash as you think you might need, take more to buy food & drinks somewhere if you get the urge, and just spend the day traveling around the city with no particular goal.

Too many Aspies get hung up on trying to do everything "right". I used to be the same way. Then, sometime in high school, when I got my driver's license, I discovered how fun and empowering it is to occasionally just say f**k it, and go do something totally random & unplanned, with no time pressure, expectations, or even anybody else having the slightest idea what you're up to. Having an iPhone or Android phone makes it even easier, because you aren't held hostage to the availability of trip-planning information -- you get it immediately, and plot your next move while making your current one.

There's another reason to learn how to travel by yourself -- as an Aspie, few things will be more spectacularly empowering than being able to travel on your own so you don't HAVE to involve other people when you're in a mood to do something. If you feel like spending your afternoon roaming around an art gallery, the library, a museum, or even a mall... you can just go and do it, without having to get anybody's permission or convince anybody else to go. You can just go, and enjoy the experience without having to accept socialization stress as the cost of going.

One of my epic such trips was my senior year in college. I woke up one Saturday, and decided I really wanted to go to a local water park. I didn't even feel particularly social, or really *want* my friends along. I just wanted to go and spend the day doing whatever I felt like doing. Unfortunately, the water park was in Fort Lauderdale, I was in Miami, and had no car. However, I had a Metrorail station a few blocks away, I quickly discovered online that there was a Tri-Rail (the train that runs from West Palm Beach to Miami) station across the street from the water park, and knew there was a station somewhere north of Liberty City where you could transfer. So, off I went. It ended up taking about 3 hours to get there, and another 3 hours or so to get home, but I had a blast... and the fact that I managed to pull off the entire trip without anyone having the slightest idea I was doing anything besides playing with my computer in my dorm room made it even more fun. It was a day of total, awesome, deliciously self-indulgent independent decadence.

Anyway, my point is that there's nothing to fear with travel, as long as you have a source of immediate information available to you (iPhone, Android phone), plenty of cash, and no particular time pressure. Learn to enjoy spontaneous solo travel, and THEN work on taking trips under greater stress (where you have to be somewhere specific at some specific time) once you've gotten used to doing it.

I don't live alone and never have, I went from living with my mother to living with my husband, but otherwise I'm pretty independent. I can go places easily. I've driven over 1000 miles alone before. I wouldn't do that now, but I was 22 then. I've flown long distances alone, and it didn't bother me except for the flying. In fact, I'd love to go to Paris or Sicily by myself. I wouldn't enjoy it as much if I had someone with me.

I think you may be worrying about the worst case scenario a lot. Or overplaying the worst case scenario. The worst thing that will happen if you get lost is you have to go back. You won't be wandering around lost forever or even very long.

Like someone else suggested, start with small trips alone to places you have been to before many times with others. Once you are comfortable with that, go farther. Once you have confidence in yourself, then go someplace you have never been. Make sure you let someone know where you are going when you do this, and take a phone with you. That will give you security knowing that people know you are out there, and in what general vicinity, and if you get lost they can come get you. Just having that option can make it easier to try and solve a problem of being temporarily lost yourself.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Not very independent. I'm 29 and still live with my parents (mainly due to lack of employment and health problems). I have trouble with public transport, though am trying to improve this. I can use buses now - I made myself take 2 bus trips a week, and slowly increased the distance I travelled on the bus. I'm going to start doing the same thing with trains in a weeks time.
Try taking small steps and you can make progress without overwhelming yourself.
Good luck

I have taken the bus before when I've had to, and lived in a city that had public transportation, but I hated it. I feel trapped on one. I like to be in control of where I am going, and when I get there, and with a bus I had to take two or three buses and wait for up to 20 minutes between them and go all over town out of the way.

I was also afraid I would get on the wrong bus or either miss the one I needed because one I was on was later or I might not notice that it was the one I wanted when it stopped.

I enjoy going on Amtrack trains. Although looking back, I was more trapped on one of those than on a bus. I'm much more trapped on a plane and that's another reason I hate to fly, along with the fear of crashing. I've never taken a Greyhound bus, only a city bus. I've been on a subway before too and really enjoyed that.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

I do not do cook, clean the house or wash dishes/clothes. I could do it al (except for cooking, but I am sure I could easily learn it), but I am too lazy.

Outside of that, I help my mother with the bills, buy food and never ask for money. I can go to anywhere in the country without asking for directions. I think I can live alone without any problems. I work, I can do everything alone and I only need to do household taks to be a bachelor.

I agree with dro1d. Sometimes exploring when you have some free time is the best way. I do not have aspergers so I can't attest to the sheer fear and nervousness you describe in these situations but I am really bad at directions and had to do a little extra "homework" to find my way. When I first got my license, I too drove around a lot to get the lay of the land. First I would drive to a destination I knew by heart like a family members house where my parents had driven many times before, carefully noting the landmarks and streets on the way and if the avenues and streets went up or down. As we entered the technological age, I would plug in places I wanted to go on google maps and print it out and see if I could drive out there and find the place. Other times I would just explore my "home" area so I would know where restaurants, gas stations, etc are. I would just say make sure you have enough gas and keep tabs so you don't run out and otherwise have fun.

I don't have any anxiety when it comes to knowing where to go, what bus to catch etc because I have a complete visual map in my head. This doesn't help, however if something happens to disrupt the journey. That is entirely human based problems not to do with me. I live in the middle of nowhere at the moment, and for a while I was going out independantly, but I started getting so fatigued from the long journey down the road to catch the bus (15-20 minutes), waiting for the bus (which is every half an hour, but is usually 10 minutes late), sitting on the bus (half an hour to an hour depending on which place I am going to) doing what I needed to do in the place then reversing the whole trip that I began to lose my confidence. One final event pushed me over the edge, causing me a meltdown in public. I have NEVER been so humiliated in my life. Now I only go out with staff (I am in a care home) but I might be moving this year to a house in a town which has things in walking distance. I am hoping it will give me incentive to leave the house more.

Oops talked too much sorry...

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I have HFA, ADHD, OCD & Tourette syndrome. I love animals, especially my bunnies and hamster. I skate in a roller derby team (but I'll try not to bite )

I'm a very independent person (or, I try to be). I'm also lazy.