Bully ex-step parent won't get out of my life

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I want nothing to do with them. Their moral outlook is 100% thoroughly opposite of mine, and this woman seems to be trapped in some kind of delusion or fixation on being the parent of myself and my two brothers. On several occasions I was verbally abused and also had my privacy invaded by them, while I was still in high school at home. I recently called them out to apologize to me for bullying me, and have been met with complete denial & the typical bully behavior of turning it around on me, saying that if not for my behavior and attitude it would not have happened.

I feel that their behavior is extremely inappropriate even more so now that they are divorced from my father. I doubt if there was ever a point that to me it was appropriate. Luckily I live very far away from them, for now, but the problem is they keep trying to come visit. Succeeded once over the summer for my spouse's graduation. They are an experienced manipulator who projects a nice & generous image. I do not want this person anywhere near my soon to be born child. But, I am not sure what to do to shut this down. She does not belong in my life at all anymore and I felt never did. I feel I am being bullied by the manipulating behavior she is now taking toward me by acting supportive and nice for a public image, and then privately refusing to apologize to me and further personally attacking me.

Sounds like a right b***h.
How is she allowed into your life so much? Can you just never let her into your house? Or stop accepting any calls from her?
Why would she even want to be in your life still? Is she a control freak or something?

It's not that she calls or comes over, she lives on the other end of the country. She mails things to us, sends me messages a lot, tells lies about my father to try to damage him, all the while saying she's just trying to help and blah blah blah. Basically just inserts herself into my business by sending me messages and also to my spouse and sending things to us.

Basically imitating the role that a real loving parent would do, except without the genuine acceptance part. I was giving her a fair chance up till today when I learned that she really isn't interested in making reconciliation or accepting me at all. So I have attempted to block her communication but I know she will continue to contact my spouse and keep up her mind games.

Freak!
Does your spouse like her or something? Can your spouse ignore her, too?
What happens if you just accept the free gifts, and detach yourself until she gets bored? Or tell her you dig the free gifts, and ask for more.
Have you told her to get the f**k out of your life? And gotten enraged about it?
I have no ideas about the laws over there, but like, can the police do anything about her being a "stalker"? XD

Can I have her address and scare her?

My brother has basically told her to shove off and never communicate with him again.

My spouse kind of "buys" her gimmick of pretending to care. It's poisonous. There was no way for me to know the toxicity of it until now. It has been sort of a slow buildup, and I've put plenty of thought toward assessing the ultimate intent. At first I bought some of the lies she gave about my father, but I've been able to debunk them.

The thing is that my spouse has a social phobia, her behavior is almost mechanically adherent to strategies that makes others like her and accept her. I understand why it's her strategy. She sort of imitates the behaviors that make one the diplomat that everyone likes... where especially it's important that people you don't like think you are cool/tolerable so they don't give you problems. She has meltdowns if she can't achieve that state where she feels everyone likes her. Really intense anxiety. Pretty much the exact opposite of me, having spent my life going out of my way to be the nonconformist, avoiding social thinking completely, and trying hard to make others not bother me and stay away from me. Basically being overtly, certifiably rejecting of what others think of me.

Tell her not to phone, or send messages, anymore. I feel that our parents need to accept us, and understand us better, whether they're biological parents, or step parents.

Oh, well, if your spouse is that kind of person, I'm not sure what to do to get her to stop.
You should really try to explain to her that this crazy woman is on the other side of the country, and it's perfectly normal for some people to not like you. And it's not like she will ever be able to interfere with your lives, anyways.
I think if both of you guys are able to completely ignore her, when you both stop biting, there will be no more reason for her to waste any bait on you or your spouse, and she will move on.

She sounds like a sociopath. You need to work out what here personal benefit is from doing this - I don't think (most) bullies enjoy the pain they inflict, or the manipulative control just for itself. They have a gain and a purpose. It might even be that your visible rejection is her gain, in that she wants to demonstrate (perhaps to someone else) how ungrateful people are despite her kindness.

The best response might be (like a two-year-old's tantrum) to not feed her at all - you accept all the communication and ignore it. Never send anything back and never refuse to talk to her (just don't say anything when you do, if you get what I mean). But do state that she is not your mother, or your child's grandmother and that she is not welcome.

I have a sister like this. Nice facade, manipulating b** inside. She tore apart my family, and is not playing the victim and everyone is feeling sorry for her and blaming the person that actually tried to hold the family together.

If she mails me anything I put "return to sender, not at this address" on the envelope or box and send it back to her. I block her on my email and I don't answer the phone or return calls. I did tell her that I don't want her in my life and to leave me alone. If you do this enough she may get the picture. It's not like she can knock on your door, just keep making it impossible for her to touch you. She probably wants control and if you don't give that to her then she won't get anything out of this and eventually stop.

As far as your wife, that's a tough one. Somehow you have to make her understand that this person is not worth wanting them to like her. This person probably doesn't like anyone, and is obviously not good for either one of you. You need to have people in your life that are good for you and you need to stay away from the people that do damage. Try to get her to understand that no matter what she does, this person won't like her because she doesn't like ANYONE, and it has nothing to do with her personally.

Good Luck! Having people in your life like that really sucks. I hope you can work it out!

Good points, all. Everytime I've attempted to address reconciling a few of the events of extreme bullying, she goes into this "i'm tired of being blamed for everyone's problems. i'm not the victim, apology goes both ways, get over yourself. blahblahblahblahblah". this deflection in itself amounts to more bullying, for me.

she also tried to claim that all she was trying to do was get me mad enough to let out some of the rage i had from the first 13 years of my life. does that sound like something a parent should do to a child under any circumstance? especially an autistic spectrum one?

all i wanted was to see if she had changed and was willing to make up for just one or two events of extreme verbal assault and one event of forcibly taking my private journal away from me to read it and insult me/interrogate me about the contents. she acts like she doesn't even remember doing these things to me.

ERGH! She sucks!

This is so my sister. I live 5 hours away, and for 17 years I went home 4-5 times a year, she came to me once. She told me I moved away and never even gave my family a thought. After several statements like this I of course, got upset. Because I was upset about what she said, what that means is that I'm bipolar because she is only speaking the truth and this shouldn't make me angry. Because she cares about me so much she is going to avoid me in order not to make my mental illness worse and she wants nothing to do with me. She then tells the family that I kicked her to the curb and she loves me and I'm mean and screwed up. She then sends me an email a year later accusing me of trying to turn the family against her. I haven't spoken to anyone regarding my side of this BTW. It's between me and her and always has been. I told her to get bent, and now I dont associate with her and won't allow her in my life. She apologizes for NOTHING!

"run away! run away!

From my own sad experience, this is the only thing that worked, although it might take a while until she gives up.

If I were you, I would try having a more detailed discussion with your wife - tell her how toxic and dangerous this person proved to be in the past and give her plenty of concrete examples of what she did to you and your family, this often helps people to understand the situation better.

I've been often pressured and guilt tripped in the past by other family members to try once more. I've put an end to this after getting married and realising how much the abuse I was accepting affected my husband - this was my wake up call.

I decided when I was 26 years old that I finally could not allow my mother to destroy me any further and cut her out of my life. When I say “cut her out”, I mean totally. I moved and did not tell her my new address or phone number and I refused to have any conversations or dealing with her. She, like many manipulative and sick individuals of her ilk was able to get my phone number from other family members, although I expressly told them it was private and not to tell her. She always has her ways, as all manipulative people do.

It took 3 more years and further deep cuts to extricate her toxic element in my life. I moved cities - 500 miles away from her. She still continued to call and spew her putrid venom, sending me emotionally spiraling every single time. The woman’s manner verbally was akin to a poisonous insect you just can’t kill. I would always end up hanging up after long, one-sided abusive, vile rants and monologues that defy sanity. Once, only once, I broke down and let her come visit because she got both my brother and sister calling me, with my sister crying to me that my mother was distraut that she hadn't seen her grandaughter, and that I was being mean. (My mother was physically, emotionally and verbally severely abusive to me, but would act like a victim herself to everyone outside of the house). I let her come over. She was much older and it had been years since I'd seen her. My daughter was 2 years old at the time. I figured it was one visit and I would be there and she couldn't get away with her abusive s**t anymore. Well, I left the room for a few minutes during her visit and she was alone for minutes in the kitchen with my daughter who was putting together a wood puzzle on the kitchen floor. When I came to return to the kitchen, unbeknownst to my mother, I stood in the doorway (I had sensed something was weird and wrong and came back for some reason), and saw my 2 year old daughter terrified, shaking like a leaf, eyes like saucers, and heard my mother say to her, "IF YOU DON"T SHUT UP, I"LL TAPE YOUR MOUTH SHUT." I stood in absolute shock myself. I then asked her what she had just said, and she recovered like the sociopath that she is and acted like nothing happened. Asking me what I was talking about. I walked over to my daughter, picked her up and moved her to her bedroom with me, shut the door and called my husband while I calmed my still shaking daughter. I asked him to come home and remove the viper from my home before I lost it.

Finally, after many years of telling my siblings that I would not be happy with them passing my info along to my mother and having a few more moves and unlisted numbers, she has no idea where I am or how to contact me. That is for my sanity and peace of mind. Thank God.

I would advice you to do whatever you need to do to keep your life and your loved ones free of the black vile of hateful and abusive people. If one of them tragically happens to be a parent, then too bad for them. They will answer their maker when the time comes. If I were you I would speak to your wife about how damaging it could be to continue any relationship with your mom and try to get her to see how it’s impossible for some people to “like” you, because they are incapable of “like”. Furthermore, endeavoring to encourage their favour, puts you at risk because they will poison your life.

I wish you courage and all the best.

Your story could be mine, crocus, although in my case it's my father. I hope you found some peace, healing and freeing myself form an abusive parent was a long and costly process and I still have a long way to go. I wish you and your daughter happiness and a better life.

Thanks Sallamandrina Same to you.

My eldest daughter, the one that was 2 then, is now 21 and I also have an 18 year old. They are both doing great. They haven't seen my mother since they were practically babies. Once at a funeral and that's it. She did try and worm her way back after I got divorced by phoning my ex-husband repeatedly. He was not so good at blocking her out. My kids quickly got a feel for her though and told me what she was up to, when they were at their dad's. They didn't like it one bit. When she got really bad (she is a nasty piece of work), they would end up having to hang up on her and she finally stopped. She also tried the trick of buying into people's lives by sending gifts with the expectation that would get her "in" with people and then played the martyr card by telling everyone how "good" she was how "ungrateful and mean" I was. That sickened my kids. Everything was sent back.