Do you have trouble asking for help?

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If I can possibly do anything myself I won't ask for help, even if it means severe anxiety or physical injury. I can have my arms full with grocery bags and won't ask someone nearby to open the door for me. I'd rather set things down, open the door and pick them up again or go around to the back door of my apartment building to avoid somebody near the front door. Note: sometimes going through the back door makes more sense because there is no steps and only one door vs some steps up to the front door then steps down to get to the hallway door. I can also think of many times as a kid where I didn't ask for help when I could or should have. It didn't help that when I did ask for help for something major my request was frequently rejected.

Not asking for help isn't always a bad thing. When I was working doing nerve testing I rarely had to call someone to have them fix my machines. I can think of only one time when I had to do so. My coworkers usually asked me to fix their computers or printers before they'd call IT to do it. It always baffled me as to why my coworkers didn't get it that 99% of their computer issues would be solved by rebooting. That was some of the only positive interaction had had with them. My being stubborn in asking for help has enabled me to fix things like my sewing machine, put together furniture and do other things around my apartment.

I did do a bit of Google searching and it appears that difficulty in asking for help is common in Asperger's because sometimes they don't know how to ask or recognize when to ask. However clinical writing does not always correlate with real world experience. So I thought I'd ask all of you if you have or had problems asking for help.

Yes. I don't ask for help unless I am desperate for some reason, and I tend to get very defensive if help is offered.

I forgot that part. Sometimes I think it's an insult if someone offers to help. I think they are doubting my intelligence or abilities. Depending on who that person is I can often look back on something and determine that they genuinely wanted to help. But in the moment it's hard to think things through.

Part of what makes me hesitant to ask for help is that it's hard for me to determine if someone really wants to help or if they are helping because they think they have to and later end up resenting you for it. I hate feeling used by people and have resented people for taking advantage of me. It's hard for me to determine how much friends should do for each other. I had my only real friendship end partly due to this.

I have trouble asking for help because when I do I am ignored and no one helps me anyway so I stopped asking because I get turned down all the time.

I usually reach a breaking point before I ask help. Usually by then I'm upset at the situation and will inadvertently seem belligerent to whomever I'm asking for help.

I don't like asking for help. I'll ask my mother but that's about it. Even online in the mmorpg I play I won't ask for help. I either do or get things myself and if something requires 2 people I usually just don't do it.

Does asking for advice online count as asking for help? I've done that but don't always bother because sometimes people get really mad at and mean to me if they give me advice I can't understand or am unable or unwilling to do.

Last edited by hanyo on 30 Jan 2012, 8:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

Yes. Throughout my life people have dismissed me and even laughed in my face when I have asked for help. Or the "help" people have given me has made things worse. So I think, why bother? It only leads to more heartache.

If you want something done properly, then do it yourself.

Its pretty harsh but mostly true.

Yes, on things that I care deeply about...especially anything that has to do with my interests.

At my job, I have a problem sharing my work. I don't want anyone else touching my files. On my personal music interest, if there's something I need to learn how to do, I may ask for someone to share their knowledge, but I get very upset when someone touches my recording files or when someone tells me to change something and I don't agree with it (even if they are an expert).

Yes

Yes, I hate having to ask for help. It makes me feel like a little kid. But in my current life situation, I am forced to ask and it absolutely sucks.

I almost never ask for help. I simply cannot stand being obliged to someone, even if they don't create that dynamic with their offer of help/actual help. Messed up, but there you are. At least I recognize this foible about myself.

Yeah I really hate asking for help it makes me feel weak and I already have very low self esteem. It has been a problem in the past though, not knowing how to ask for help I'd guess at stuff and make mistakes. When I did ask for help people belittled me because most stuff was obvious to them. So I tried to hide when I didn't know something to escape looking socially dysfunctional. When I was in high school and depressed I didn't know how to ask for help and I didn't even fully understand what was wrong either. Now that I do have more courage to ask for help the resources are apparently not there. On the bright side I've become more comfortable in asking for help around people I feel emotionally safe around. Like the co-workers at my current workplace. If there's a problem at work I have no trouble with certain people. Before I knew I had AS I was never able to ask for help at work. I felt so weak. but making a mistake is worse than a little embarrassment considering a mistake is way more embarrassing than asking for help.

Now that I think about it this is why I probably did all my school work in ink, especially throughout middle and high school. I had a mindset that I wouldn't make mistakes and that I didn't need help.

My math teachers always tried to get me to stop, but I refused. Still aced all my math classes.

Me too. I usually hate having to go up to people and try to get their co-operation on anything. It's better if I know the person and have found them to be approachable in the past, if I feel generally good and safe about them, and if the request is a fairly simple one that seems pretty normal, though I can often find myself avoiding asking for directions from strangers.....that's because I have trouble focussing on the answer - I can't easily understand directions in words, anxious anyway about talking to a new person.

Why? Social anxiety and associated attention defecit, and a lifetime of mostly not getting what I want from the people I have asked.......though strangely, I think I could list a lot of things people have done well for me over the years.....so maybe it's like being masterful, which I've done sometimes but is always a scary leap for me, in spite of the reassurance of my history of reasonable success with it.

It's also very strange that when I do ask for things, I'm reasonably happy - sometimes impressed - with my performance......I'm experienced enough to know how to ask nicely.

One thing that may or may not be connected with AS - if I make a couple of requests and they're granted, I'll start feeling guilty about being overbearing and calling too many shots. I might need quite a bit of reassurance that the others too have called shots and it's legitimate for it to be my turn for a while. I'm suspicious of hierarchies where some folks call more shots than others, I always hate the leaders and expect their flock to turn on them for being too powerful. So if I lead, I expect to be ousted as a tyrant.

I have a really tough time asking for help, from asking family to store employees to people at school.