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Eloa
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02 Feb 2012, 8:34 pm

I often say "yes" meaning "I have heard what you have said". But analysing it with someone because of communicational misunderstandings it seems, that when you say "yes" to someone, after he/she told you something, it means "I agree with what you have said".
Is it like that?
It confuses me.


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02 Feb 2012, 8:43 pm

I have a abit of doing this. Or I repeat what they have just said. It's a habit I would like to break because, like you said, it sounds like I am agreeing when what I'm really doing is just saying "Yes, I hear you."
I love awkward conversational skills -filled with sarcasm-


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MrXxx
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02 Feb 2012, 9:53 pm

Eloa wrote:
when you say "yes" to someone, after he/she told you something, it means "I agree with what you have said".
Is it like that?


I don't agree. It doesn't always mean that. I've known quite a lot of definitely non-Autistics who do that, and they're certainly not agreeing, just acknowledging that they are still listening and paying attention. There's almost always a difference in the inflection of the word "yes."

I don't know if I can get it across with typing, but I'll try:

"YES!" (accompanied with a firm and definite quick nod), is definitely a response of agreement.

"YyEeess..." (accompanied with a slow or constant, but more gentle nod), is just acknowledgment.

It may be that you haven't developed the skill to demonstrate the subtle difference yet. It may be true that your "yes" does look like an typical "yes" of agreement.


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OliveOilMom
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02 Feb 2012, 9:57 pm

^ this.

It really depends on tone and inflection. I'll say "right <they say something> yeah <they say something else> uh huh" etc to show that I'm paying attention. I say it with a more subdued tone and quietly. If I agree with them I'll say "RIIIIght!" in a louder conversational tone.

You can just say "mmmm hmmm" instead if you had rather. Or even "I see". Both of those means you are following along. Then save the positive words for agreement.

ETA: You do want to mix it up a bit though. Don't just say one word over and over to let them know you are following along, because then they will think you aren't and are just repeating the same word because you are bored. You can also put in "really" or "she didn't!" or even if it's a story that the other person is excited about, and they tell you something they want you to seem surprised about "the hell you say!'

So pick a few words or phrases to use to show you are paying attention and practice them.


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03 Feb 2012, 4:40 am

I'm used to say "I understand" to send the message that I have heard and understood. And if someone seems to expect that I react and take what they say into account, I say "I have received the message". Then I have got some time to think if I agree or not, what I can do about it, etc. and maybe go back to say my conclusions later.



League_Girl
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03 Feb 2012, 5:02 am

Eloa wrote:
I often say "yes" meaning "I have heard what you have said". But analysing it with someone because of communicational misunderstandings it seems, that when you say "yes" to someone, after he/she told you something, it means "I agree with what you have said".
Is it like that?
It confuses me.



I've noticed if you say "oh" or "okay" it means you agree with them. I never say yes in these situations. I have no idea what to say now.



Mummy_of_Peanut
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03 Feb 2012, 8:28 am

circular wrote:
I'm used to say "I understand" to send the message that I have heard and understood. And if someone seems to expect that I react and take what they say into account, I say "I have received the message". Then I have got some time to think if I agree or not, what I can do about it, etc. and maybe go back to say my conclusions later.

When my best friend says 'I get what you're saying', she actually means, 'Please stop talking'. It took me a while to suss that one out.

Back to OP, I only say 'Yes' when I agree. If I don't agree, I won't say 'Yes' to indicate I've understood. If I don't agree and don't feel like arguing, I usually don't respond at all. I can't say that's the way to do it, as it hasn't helped me any.


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MrXxx
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03 Feb 2012, 1:32 pm

Mummy_of_Peanut wrote:
When my best friend says 'I get what you're saying', she actually means, 'Please stop talking'. It took me a while to suss that one out.


I hate that one. What I usually hear is, "I hear what you're saying," but the fact, more often than not, is that they are implying that they understand, but they really don't understand at all. While I don't think the people that do this really mean "stop talking," (your friend might, but the people I'm thinking of mean they understand), in reality it does become tactic to take over the conversation, and quit listening.

One of the school case managers for our sons does this all the time, and it's infuriating. She does it just to keep the IEP meetings "moving." Her ineffectiveness in dealing with our kids though, betrays the truth that she's just dismissing pretty much everything we tell her. I've completely given up trying to work with her.


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Eloa
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03 Feb 2012, 2:26 pm

Thank you all for replying!
My "yes" is rather short without much intonation.
It often happens, when someone is telling a lot - for example - about someone else that I have no clue how to comment the actions of that person or what he/she said.
I also noticed, that when someone is talking a lot at once, that I need more time to reflect what have been said in order to give a reply, but often - unlike in typing - that time is not given.
I am always searching for honest replies and it is difficult when you are presented a story or something with a certain complexity in it, in which you have to take different views into consideration. But while searching for honest replies I am also searching for an honest reply, which won't be hurting for the other person and as these two are sometimes impossible to combine, I use "yes" to signalize, that I am hearing the other person talking to me.


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03 Feb 2012, 3:33 pm

Well if it's complicated, you can say "let me think about it" or "can you give more details" so while the person gives you more detail, you can think about what has already been said. Or if it does not sound horrible you can say "interesting" and you have some time ahead to think about it.



CeciliaAnn
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03 Feb 2012, 4:12 pm

I get "yes" and "no" mixed up alot. I always have. It's confusing for both myself and whomever I'm talking to.


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03 Feb 2012, 4:18 pm

Sometimes it's confusing because there is a negative question, and you must anwer No to say you agree.



Eloa
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03 Feb 2012, 9:23 pm

MrXxx wrote:
Mummy_of_Peanut wrote:
When my best friend says 'I get what you're saying', she actually means, 'Please stop talking'. It took me a while to suss that one out.


I hate that one. What I usually hear is, "I hear what you're saying," but the fact, more often than not, is that they are implying that they understand, but they really don't understand at all. While I don't think the people that do this really mean "stop talking," (your friend might, but the people I'm thinking of mean they understand), in reality it does become tactic to take over the conversation, and quit listening.

One of the school case managers for our sons does this all the time, and it's infuriating. She does it just to keep the IEP meetings "moving." Her ineffectiveness in dealing with our kids though, betrays the truth that she's just dismissing pretty much everything we tell her. I've completely given up trying to work with her.


I am sorry to read this.
Like circular quoted:
Quote:
Well if it's complicated, you can say "let me think about it" or "can you give more details" so while the person gives you more detail, you can think about what has already been said.

I have tried it, but people get somehow irritated, if you signalize to "think" about things deeper than just simply agreeing. They get somehow "aggitated" in a way, like they do not understand, that some people need more consideration about certain things and that excludes as well themselves doing deeper considerations in a way. But sometimes by not doing deeper consideration you can miss vital points as well.


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04 Feb 2012, 9:07 am

@Eloa :
I think that these people who get irritated just because you don't react instantly should be avoided or their irritation not taken into account. I believe that someone who gets irritated in this case is either somewhat authoritative or maybe trying to manipulate you. If you don't want someone to be free, you just don't let him the time to think and reproaches for not acting right now. It does not mean that these people are really bad, but in my opinion, they are likely to deny your freedom. So you should not blame yourself for not reacting instantly with these people, they just have to learn that they cannot get everything they want.



Eloa
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04 Feb 2012, 7:59 pm

circular wrote:
@Eloa :
I think that these people who get irritated just because you don't react instantly should be avoided or their irritation not taken into account. I believe that someone who gets irritated in this case is either somewhat authoritative or maybe trying to manipulate you. If you don't want someone to be free, you just don't let him the time to think and reproaches for not acting right now. It does not mean that these people are really bad, but in my opinion, they are likely to deny your freedom. So you should not blame yourself for not reacting instantly with these people, they just have to learn that they cannot get everything they want.

Thank you.
I still have to process your reply and think about it, but there are some important points in it. I do not have a lot of contact with people and people use(d) to call me "alienated" and not having "common sense", which is true in a way, because I don't have the "common " common sense and I used to have my common sense in a way, but - like I guess with many of us - it doesn't go hand in hand with what society expects from its "participants" as being "well functioning".


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05 Feb 2012, 11:25 am

Well that's a different issue. We were talking about the delay between someelse's sentence and yours. Not about the content. If you take time to understand in your point of view, your "common sense", then you can answer. You don't have to hide your point of view, just to know some things about how to say things. For example, not being too direct when talking about people themselves unless you have received confirmation that you can go on talking openly about the other person's ego. But your point of view is your point of view. It's better that other people be aware of your point of view, so they can make appropriate deduction about what you may do or not. Otherwise, there can be a contradiction between what you say and what you do. It's not that bad, but people who will accept you will have more trust in you if they can build a consistent representation of you. Again, if someone does not accept your answers and your way of thinking, it means that they do not accept other people's subjectivity. This is not your problem. You can avoid those people as possible and find people who accept subjectivity difference.

Maybe I am talking to much. All I said can be summed up by : you are not responsible for other people's intolerance. Better find tolerant people.