Trying to fit with NT's/listen to family gave me dysthymia

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This is the result of an ink blot test I took recently when I went to get screened for Borderline Personality Disorder.

So what do I do about it? It seems like my entire life, including career path, is oriented around pleasing other people and trying to meet society's expectations. I also discovered I really, actually can pass very well for NT. Actually, so well, it's why I don't have any real friends because relating to people is so miserable. I've completely lost my sense of self-identity, so I'm depressed all the time.

These were the result of my psychiatric evaluation where I went in to get screened for Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't have it. Actually, everything makes perfect sense in terms of Asperger's now once it was explained to me.

So what should I do about it? I'm considering dropping out of law school at the end of next summer (unless I really really LOVE my summer job at a federal agency, which is a possibility) because I am pretty sure I don't want to practice law. I really should have gone into teaching/academia all along in a field of public policy and live in Beijing(I spent a year and a half in China already). Getting there could involve doing some things that would potentially really disappoint my family. I'm not sure what to do, or even if I have the courage to do it.

At least I've just wasted 2/3 of my GI Bill, rather than taking out student loans.

Last edited by Tyri0n on 01 Apr 2013, 1:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

Trying fruitlessly to fit in with NTs is a sure-fire way to depress and exhaust yourself.

It can be a curse that you can pass for NT, because people have much higher expectations of you than what you can actually manage. That sets the bar high and you are destined for failure.

Above all, be yourself. Whatever career you want to follow, do it. Don't end up with regrets. And don't live your life for other people, family or not.

Unfortunately, I am likely to get little support in this assessment. Those who know me would be highly unlikely to describe me as either trying to fit in or please other people.

It's just that my norm is so far removed from the NT norm that even when I try to fit in, I just come across as a poorly adapted NT with lots of depression, tiredness, and negativity that oozes out. Who wants to be friends with someone who is always tired, lethargic, and constantly changes identities?

It wasn't always so. I had a really good year and a half in China where, by NT standards, adapting should be harder, but I didn't find it to be a burden at all, unlike trying to adapt to Texas culture. I think I may be seeing the importance of autistics finding an environment suited to them rather than trying to suit themselves to wherever family or chance put them.

It's common that we're not a self serving type of people. I've been learning to be more and more self serving, though. Not selfish or greedy, but more self serving vs. being willing to bend over backwards to help others at the expense of getting things done for myself. I'm still a helpful person and all, but more and more I spend time and energy on improving my life, my health, my fitness level, my financial situation, tackling my to-do list, doing things I enjoy, solving my problems & reducing my stress. It takes a lot of practice & discipline, but bit by bit over time it gets easier and easier, and I'm happier & healthier for it - and haven't turned into a self centred a**hole.

When I think about deviating from something that serves me, that I know I need to do, I think of one or two of my friends who are very focused determined self serving people who don't waste their time doing things that aren't going to benefit them, especially not as a favour for others who are always "takers," when they know they have things that they need to do to accomplish their own goals. Thinking of one of them is all I need to remind myself to stay on track. It's a bit of an emotional trigger to do w/ my friend, as I do want to become more and more like him. Without that emotional trigger it would probably be a lot more difficult, as there's no motivation behind just knowing the theory and knowledge that doing things that benefit you are good for you. It's the things that make it personal that create the motivation for me. Maybe you'll find your own personal trigger/motivation?

Even if they are disappointed, it's you that has to be happy - and your happiness shouldn't be codependent on their approval. Too many of us worry too much about what others think vs. what we want. You have to find a way to break that habit and do things for yourself, especially when the things you want/need to do for yourself are positive and have life long implications - on *your* life, not theirs. It's not like you're thinking of dropping out of school and becoming a meth cook, so it's not as if there are sound logical reasons to follow their wishes for your career because your own aren't reasonable.

Do whatever makes you happy, and don't allow your happiness to depend on anyone else' approval. It really is that simple... but is definitely easier said than done.

As for "wasting," 2/3rds of your GI Bill.. if you happen to change majors, then like any accounting this was a sunk cost - you don't keep throwing time & money after it, you just stop spending and take a different course of action based on new information that allowed you to make a better decision. Which means it may not have been a waste at all, as the value you get out of it may be in learning that this isn't for you nor what you truly want if that's how things shake out. Silver lining, and all. Far better to spend a little bit of time and money vs. discover this in 10 years after you're miserable and going through the daily grind because someone else approves of it & wants the status symbol bragging rights of having a lawyer for a son w/o even taking into consideration that it drives you bat s**t crazy to spend most of your working hours in a profession you're not happy doing.

Societal expectations can be a lot and too much on people, i try not to even think about them and just live however is best for my mental health that i can think of.
Also you have to live for you, it's hard especially if you are afraid of disappointing your family. Yet you have to do what makes you happiest and what you think is best for yourself.

Can you still go into teaching/academia? It's never too late... My mom went back to school several years ago to get her psychology degrees. I am always so proud of my mother for going back to school, as it shows it's never too late at any age =)

A lot of people nowadays don't end up getting a job in what they majored in, in school.
As long as you are doing what you enjoy and love to do, all should be fine

I believe we live in a maladjusted and sick society. My advice is if going to china is good for you and if you're able to make the trek then I would go for it.

Another thing, I have to ask this. Why would you continue to invest in something that you know now is a bad investment just because you've put a lot into this investment?