Have YOU been called "the bad guy" or the bully???

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Wondering if anyone here has been accused of [intentionally] toxic behaviours towards others?? Like especially when you didn't see it coming or it just made no sense (which, come to think of it, is like 99% of the time??)

I'm sure many of us, myself included, have gotten an occasional "why do you act like this" or "why are you like this" - but that doesn't necessarily insinuate ill INTENT.

I've found it occurs more with consulting with third parties, when dealing with a conflict situation in which it's pretty clear that the other person is/was the aggressor, and that you weren't the one going out of your way to cause trouble...the third party might make a flippant remark like "well, it takes two to tango!" or "it's six of one and half a dozen of the other"

In that case, I find it's best to indignantly and somewhat sarcastically reply, "well, then you must see something in me that I didn't see in myself - because I never thought of myself as the personality type who enjoys antagonizing other people."

If on those odd occasions you get direct accusations from the main party in the conflict that you're "the bad guy" or the intentional wrongdoer, I think it's best to ask "why would I knowingly do that?" You could follow up with "that would make me demented."

This would counter the common tactics that some NTs use to skirt around insinuations of mental disorders (i.e. lack of acceptable level of emotional intelligence in our case) by telling the other person (us) that it was intentional. As if somehow, that made it any less mentally aberrant
Like, anything to avoid that stigma that nobody wants to acknowledge - like seriously...and this has even come up from anonymous trolls in certain forums where the instigator doesn't even know us.

Of course, if you're dealing with a narcissist or sociopath, then all bets are off - these very manipulative and toxic personalities' M.O. is to deflect all wrongdoing away from them and on to others, so you can't take any of those seriously

Yes, a clash on cognitive systems. I have found I simply frame the issue in very autistic terms, which don't align with how NTs view the world. The first thing is to deal with the facts, not the intentions. And be willing to apologize for misunderstandings.

However, I have been in situations where people are trying to use my autism against me--saying I am rude and so on. While these people appear nice, they are being manipulative. This is really hard for me to recognize and harder to deal with. Their goal is to use your autism against you and they are good at it. You really need to be able to slow the conversation down and control the narrative--not an autistic strength.

Sure. My ex spread malicious false gossip through my whole community.

I'm just as misunderstood.

Accused of being malicious, manipulative and toxic, yes.

But a bully and a villain? ... Actually, no. Which is weird enough.


I don't ever fancy myself as a good person.


If anything... I was also accused of being good, a victim/survivor who may sympathize or someone to be trusted (too much) as well.

Whatever my intent and character compass is, it's doesn't even appear as the linear good person - bad person.


But I do know this; my compass typically aligns in self-service because it's easier for me to be.

Because me acting upon service-to-others is unpredictable.
It's highly uncertain if what I do for others benefits them or not, no matter how clear my intentions are.

Even I'm not reliable to myself, let alone others.
Why trust myself on the hands of further misunderstandings, unless that's the point?

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Yeah.
And sometimes I get feedback of gossip that some view me as a dangerous psychopath.

Only by my enemies.

Jokes aside, I don't think I've been unfairly accused of being the "bad guy". I do have a strained relationship to my little brother, but that happens when you grow up in a dysfunctional family (not my label; it was determined by the ASD team who diagnosed me). I'm far from them now which suits me perfectly.

People have called me a "Covert Bully" because they don't like what I say and cannot prove any hostile intent.

It's like people accusing me of "cheating" for acing my exams, when those same people were not even in the same building when I took those exams.  I didn't cheat; they just didn't like having failed the exams themselves.

Yes, that's how socially manipulative bullies get their gang together.

I've never been accused of being a bully but I have been lectured like I am the "bad guy" in a situation.

When I was 15 I had a lot of problems with other girls emotionally bullying me, and I confided in a girl who wasn't a bully and was in a different class. But then I got lectured by my teacher not to talk about boys too much because that is why my 'friends' were bullying me, and not to talk about the bullying to the nice girl.
I was a bit confused because it is quite typical of teenage girls to talk about boys to their friends (I knew the girls weren't bullying me because of that anyway, as they always talked about boys anyway), and it's also normal for good friends to confide in each other about social and emotional teenage problems and gossip. That's what being a teenage girl is all about!

My mom often accuses my NT sister and I of forcing bills that our mom pays to go up. This makes us villains in her eyes, but my NT sister and I try our best to make sure such situations are avoided.

As for other people in our family, a pair of male relatives often act like bullies towards me and my NT sister whenever they visit. They don't call ahead of time and they don't wash their hands after relieving themselves.