How to explain to others that I'm not being a control freak

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Pretty much as the topic suggests, how do you explain that you need things done a certain way without people thinking you're a big fat control freak. I'm asking this for future relationships. My ex couldn't understand why I had to have things a certain way and would constantly get ticked about it.

I hate to throw around labels without more information, but if you absolutely need things done a certain way doesn't that, by definition, make you a control freak?

Do you mean things like keeping everything in the same spot in your house or doing certain activities in a certain step-by-step order that is always the same, the routines and rituals aspect of ASD? You can tell them that you become discombobulated and unable to function if you do not behave the way that you do, which is interpreted as being control freak by them. You can say that this incomprehensible procedures are required for you to get the things done at all, and it is better to get the things done than not. That is just the way it is, and they cannot relate, because they do not feel this need and do not feel the same when this need is not fulfilled. I explain why I need to keep everything in the same spot in my room by saying that when I enter my room, it feels like a completely unfamiliar strange place if everything is not in the same spot, and I feel totally discombobulated until everything is put right again. This feeling is the same that someone else would have if they entered their room to find all of their furniture and stuff completely rearranged in a different configuration, eggsept that the major movement of the bed across the room for them is equivalent to the minor movement of the cat figurine to the other side of the bookshelf for me. You can say that it might be because you perceive everything in lots of details all at once, so you cannot help but notice small changes from a routine, and your brain screams red alert and shuts down if you do not follow your routines.

Actually, I sometimes just skip these elaborations and tell people that I am a control freak. They are ok with it, as long as I am only controlling my own behavior, not theirs, which I don't.

Last edited by btbnnyr on 07 Mar 2012, 3:22 am, edited 1 time in total.

Couldn't have said it better, thank you. My ex just made me feel like such a freak because of the way I did things or where things were put up or the specific route to follow when driving. I get bad anxiety attacks from that crap and just don't know how to tell a future mate without coming across as it's a "my way or the highway" type deal (although it would be excellent if he could pick up on all routines)

I just don't think so. If I have nothing to do unloading the dishwasher after someone else has loaded it, it doesn't bother me how they put the dishes in there (I just can't look in there) but if I have to unload it, I need it done a certain way. Driving is one of my bad ones though. I cannot stand shortcuts. I don't care if it takes me twice as long, I'm going to drive they route I know.

But I'm wrong a lot, also.

Tell them that you are a creature of habit and need your daily routine. That doesn't make you a control freak, unless you're trying to control other people.

Redacted

Last edited by nat4200 on 21 Apr 2012, 12:54 am, edited 1 time in total.

Maybe it's denial. I just think that a little accommodation isn't much to ask for my world to not fall apart and turn into a meltdown.

Im curious, can you explain how shortcuts cause you problems?

It just doesn't "feel" right to go a different way to somewhere I have been before. It seems more of a familiarity thing, I suppose.

I do the dishwasher organization thing too, and I stick to my driving routes even if they might be a little longer (but my route is safer). It's what I'm comfortable with and makes the most sense to me.

I've accepted that I'm a control-freak (for other reasons). I have reasons for the way I do things and I prefer my way....but just because you have a certain way of doing things, I don't think this makes you a control freak.


In my definition, a control freak is someone who insists that everyone else around them do it their way, but just because a person has a certain way of doing things themselves, that itself doesn't make them a control freak. It's just being efficient and organized.

I laughed hard at the title of this post.

At my house we call it 'being Mr. Monk' and/or I just say, 'humor me'.

You could give anyone the long technical, medical, reasons for this is why I am like I am, or you could just say, 'humor me', this is how I like it, it makes me feel better.

'Control freak' has such negative connotations.

You could also say, it is my day to be right, not yours....joking.

Unless something you are doing is actively interring with another person's comfort level, then I don't see anything wrong with it.

And I am always right. More laughing...I have been known to rearrange the dishwasher after one of the male people has loaded it, in the wrong way...

Wrong meaning not my perfect, logical way....

I think I know what you mean. I have one or two OCD-like things which can and have been construed as controlling behaviour. I also have some pretty rigid ideas about what a good, committed relationship should be about, and I'm likely to challenge any partner who crosses those lines.

I think as far as future relationships go, it's smart to reveal to new "candidates" any unusual environmental needs you have that might later get labelled as controlling behaviour. Also it's wise to reveal the standards you want of a relationship. That way, the future partner has been warned, and if they buy into it, no way can they stick a "control freak" label onto you for it later. I think the crucial feature of controlling behaviour is entrapment. If you can't put your hand on your heart and say you were given no warning of a rigid demand in a relationship, then you signed up to the deal and it's your own fault if you aren't up to the job. You might still want to leave, but it won't be because you've been shafted by a control freak, it will be because you've acted like a jerk and wasted a sincere person's time.

It's just a matter of slipping these things into the conversation before anybody has got too serious. You can just ask for their views and expectations on good relationship boundaries, and tell them directly about any compulsive things. The only problem is that the other person might be something of a control freak themselves, and fake approval of your ideas rather than let go of you. Such people might seem rather too good to be true, and then they'll change when you're involved, and quite possibly try to label YOU the control freak, and refuse to acknowledge your bullet-proof defense that you had given them full warning of all your unusual needs.

I think with some things a lot can depend on how you go about it. For example, I have a particular way I like to put things in the dishwasher, a particular order I like to stack the plates etc. If my husband has put things away differently I will just quietly re-arrange them when I am next in the kitchen. I imagine if I instead yelled at him constantly about how he was doing it "wrong" we would have a problem. I don't take myself too seriously and can have a joke with my husband about my "OCD" and how silly it is that I do the things I do sometimes. He, for his part, allows me to have my little quirks and has never accused me of being a control freak. It works for us.

I think lot of people would do anything to avoid this label by coming up with excuses. Control freak is control freak but since it's a derogatory word, people don't want it being associated with them so they will have reasons like anxiety, autism, OCD, etc. to avoid that label and to have reasons why it doesn't apply to them. But that word doesn't bother me so it's never bothered me if people tell me I am a control freak. Even my husband has used that word on me. I didn't even know it was a derogatory word until I looked it up because I wanted to see what the big fuss was about with that word.