I struggle with peer pressure but I fear being different

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Isn't this such an awkward state of mind to be in? I have self-awareness, and seem to think the same as everybody else, but it's doing these things that is the problem. Take clubbing for example. I WANT to go clubbing. I could always ask my brother if I could go with him and his mates (sometimes one of two of my cousins meet up with them aswell), and my brother wouldn't mind at all. In fact he wants me to go out with them. I look at other people's photos on Facebook of them in a bar, and (I know it may not sound fun to other Aspies) but to me it looks fun, so there must be something in me that wants me to go out. But, at the same time, I struggle at these sorts of things. Bars are very social places, and if I seem stick out enough in shopping centres then I'm bound to stick out at a signifficantly social environment where you have higher expectations to be sociable. It's no good just sitting there quietly like a mouse, which is probably what I would end up doing because when I try to join in I get the ''I wasn't talking to you'' looks.

And it's not just about clubbing. It's also other things. I would love to be calm and cool, be super confident with high fashion and have great knowledge of the latest trends. But part of me isn't that bothered about walking into a clothes shop and being able to spend ages in there trying multiple garments on in the fitting-rooms and twisting about in front of the mirror to see how I look in new clothes, and keeping it up all the time. And about the calm and cool thing, I would love to face my fears without being on edge or getting upset or getting all panicky and causing a scene. Today a dog was barking really loudly outside a shop, and I couldn't walk past it because I can't deal with loud sudden noises. So I stopped dead in my tracks and started whinging and panicking and saying to my mum, ''I am not walking past that dog! It's bark is already hurting my ears from here! Please let's cross the road NOW!'' But my mum didn't want to cross the road, so I just did, but I did it in such an angry manner that I almost got knocked over by a car. Now, I wish I wasn't like this but I struggle with putting on the right body language and I'm excellent at putting on the wrong body language.

It's hard when you got conformists all around you, and you get criticised if you don't conform, and I fear criticism anyway, and I also hate being different. Well, not different exactly, but I just feel behind all the time. Is anyone else in this situation? Does it make you feel miserable?

Do you take any meds? You sound like you've got a very bad case of anxiety. Fearing looking different and trying to look normal is actually what MAKES you stand out. Take it from me.

Nope I am happy being different in a way, I just wish the world was more accepting of difference and people were not so mean to each other. But I do not desire to be the same as everyone else as they are really not into the same sorts of things as myself most of the time. Plus their way of thinking is often illogical and odd.

I am not always sensitive to criticism either, it depends on the source of the criticism and the type. In general no, as I think people's criticisms are often based on odd criteria. They seem to criticise anything that is different, but just because something is different that does not make it bad or wrong. I also always seem to take more notice of my own opinion rather than the opinion of other people (seems to be linked to my tendency to be self absorbed). Ie if like something it matters not to me if someone else likes it because I still like it see...

People can often be very harsh when criticising others, too much so sometimes, so mostly I ignore generalised criticism much of the time.

I do however like to take note of things like constructive criticism from my University tutor as doing so can be useful and can sometimes help me to improve the quality of my work. If someone out side of the geology profession was to critique my work though I would probably ignore them, especially if they know bugger all about geology etc.

I can totally relate. I'm 24 and the friends that I do have on facebook, always post pictures of them having fun at bars or going on vacations. Then you have me who is sitting at home, watching TV and on the computer looking at the photos wishing i could go out and be in them. But then sometimes you have to realize that not all of the people who post these pictures are having a great life at all. Going out all of the time to bars, and being in and out of relationships is getting to be boring and useless. Some people might actually envy you because they think you have a stable home life, and can enjoy yourself without going to the bar scene (not that's it bad, it's just not for everyone). I guess you just have to really think are the people on facebook posting these pictures so they can convince themselves and others that they are truly happy and content doing what their doing, or are the longing to have nice quiet nights inside, with family and friends. Everyone likes different things and to each their own. Life goes at a different pace for everyone. You'll have your moment

Joe when are you going to see the doctor or a psychologist about this? This level of anxiety seems to be severely impacting your life.

Jason,

You are right. I just seem to see the bad side of everything. Perhaps, like NTs, I take too much for granted, and always thinking that the grass is always greener on the other side, and I'm swallowed up in so much anxiety that I can't seem to see anything in a positive light, always thinking I'm a target, and so on.

My 19-year-old cousin goes out to bars with two of his mates, (sometimes more), but the other week when he was at my house on a Friday, he said, ''oh I don't want to go out tonight'', and I said, ''why not?'' and he said, ''well, it's too much effort.'' But he didn't say any more about it after that. So I got the impression that he just forces himself every week-end, and gives in to peer pressure quite easily and, like me, wants to be like most other people his age and probably feels like he's isolating himself if he just sits in his room all the time.

I do socialise in the day; I often see my closest friend, or I meet other friends sometimes and go out shopping or go somewhere for lunch, but some people don't seem to think that just because you're not getting dressed up and going out to a bar a night just to drink and dance, you're not socialising. But that isn't true - spending time with friends in the day is just as good as seeing friends at night.

It just annoys me when my cousins get on to me about not going out with them. My brother gets into me aswell. When he was getting ready to go out last Saturday, he said to his mates, ''I'm going out now because I actually socialise'', and I knew it was aimed at me. It sometimes makes me feel unconfident when people put me down just because I don't go to a bar on week-end nights. It seems that drinking and dancing is the most important thing to youngsters.

I don't understand the obsession with going out anyway. My comfort zone is at home, and I rarely stray from my comfort zone.

I am. I've just finished a six-week counselling thing, and now I am with Adult Social Services and they're sorting out a confidence building scheme for me. Also the doctor has suggested I go on anti-depressants, but I'm afraid of the side effects: being unable to sleep properly, or the opposite - being too drowsy and unable to concentrate on anything in the day, or having crazy nightmares (my mum had bad nightmares when she went on anti-depressants), or affecting my digestion, or making me feel sick. All of those things make me anxious or depressed, so going on anti-depressants kind of defeats the object.

I've tried anti-depressants, they didn't help me much, but there were no real side effects. It might be worth a trial run, you can always phase them out if the side effects become unmanageable (with help from your doctor of course). Any side effects should be obvious within a few days to a week and if they bother you too much, you should be able to stop them pretty quickly.

I suggest talking this through properly with your doctor, it would give you the boost you need to put what you've learned from your course into action.

Jason

You can't handle a dog barking and you want to go clubbing? I hope you mean clubbing baby seals because you're not ready for night clubs. Take it slow, don't rush. If you put yourself into situations you're not ready for it will just make things harder.

I don't feel that way at all. I like being different and I don't feel the need to be like everybody else my age and gender. I don't need to keep it up and keep with the trends. All I need to do is be myself and wear the styles that I prefer. I'm also able to keep up a conversation and I'm not worried about the looks that people give me when I respond to them. If I have something to say, I say it. I also enjoy doing my own thing and I enjoy my own company. Peer pressure was never a concern of mine. I've never felt that pressure to fit in and pretend to be what I'm not.

Oh an Joe you said something about stomach upsets causing anxiety, which would make the treatment self-defeating.

If the anti-depressant gives you a slight upset stomach, but the anti-depressant does it's job, then you should find that this stomach upset no longer makes you anxious It might seem far fetched from where you are today, but you might judge some minor stomach upset as being preferable to the anxiety.

Hope you are OK.

Jason.