Politely interrupting/directing conversation

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One thing I have noticed NTs seem to be able to do that I can't do very well is interrupt somebody speaking, but seemingly not cause offence. I guess they know when the speaker is about to finish and has essentially said all they are going to say. How is this done?

Similarly, they seem to be able to jump in right as the speaker is finished and take their turn. I find myself starting to interrupt and apologising because I thought the speaker was finished and they weren't, or they were, but I waited too long to make sure they were and someone else "jumped in" before me. I don't recall any incidents recently where I was admonished for offending someone by interrupting, but it's something I hate when people do to me and do not wish to do to others.

Have any of you had trouble with this and learned how to do it?

I think this is something which is probably almost impossible to learn simply because we process the social information to slow. But if someone think they have done it please share!

I am good at waiting my turn. I only find it harder in a group because I am quiet and I just end up listening, and people come to realise that and so don't give me a chance to speak if I wanted to.

I think Temple Grandin mentioned a rhythm or electrical current between people having a conversation, I think how it's supposed to work is that the conversation naturally jumps between people, so you are involved and communicating even when you don't have a point to make.

I guess you have to show that you want to participate, by making encouraging comments. You then get come part of the rhythm and then you get a chance to speak. This is quite possibly the most complex social skill there is. Now I've considered this a little, I see why groups cause such a problem. It's easier in a one one one conversation, because you will inevitably get the opportunity to speak.

The problem I have is once I finally have something to share, I can't park it. Honestly sometimes the conversation moves on and I guess I should throw away that point anyway. Instead I switch off listening properly and Am really looking for an opportunity to get my words out. This is really bad, because of I'm not listening properly I've disengaged, so I won't spot the natural point to speak or even realise that my point is irrelevant.

Lack of flow control

Jason

Ah analogy found.

Doubles tennis.

4 people, 1 ball. The ball should bounce around the 4 of you, sometimes a quick return. Sometimes it goes out of play and you get the chance to serve (speak).

The aspie problem is that rather than returning, we want to serve, So we pick up a second ball and stand preparing to serve, of course everyone else continues to play amongst themselves using the existing ball.

If we are exceptionslly lucky the ball will be batted out the court snd we get the chance to serve, but usually we get so frustrated waiting that we finally just go for it, introducing a second unwelcome ball into the game, confusing the hell out of everyone else on the court and causing chaos.

This works much better visually.

Jason

Great analogy, Jason

I did understand your reference to flow control, though, being an IT guy with networking experience

In that case: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carrier_se ... _detection

Check the flow chart

Jason

I usually do this by communicating that I wish to say something without actually interrupting the person who is speaking, for instance with a hand-gesture or saying "uh..." or so. Often the person speaking will turn their attention to you and stop speaking themselves, thus allowing you to speak. If not, at least you have made it understood that you wish to say something as soon as they're finished.

I've gotten a little better with this, but it's been hell with me before with family.

Whenever family would come over and I was forced to sit at the table with them, whenever they were having a conversation, I was expected to participate (this was long before my diagnosis). Two things happened.

1) When they asked me to be more active in the conversation, I asked how, and they said, "Just jump in."
Then,
2) I'd "jump in" and end up interrupting in stead. When they'd get pissed, I'd said, "Well you told me to just jump in!"

Then they had no adequate of telling me the subtle ways of changing it.

I'd say, wait for a resolve in the topic. If someone is answering a question, wait till you hear what appears to be the logical end of the answer. If regular conversation, try to wait at least 1-2 full seconds after one person has ceased talking. This should give you a better chance of being able to break into it without disrupting anything.
And above all, it helps if you were part of the conversation initially. If you weren't, make it apparent that you want to join. There's a "bubble" around most people, and you just have to be on the edge of that bubble for them to notice (even if it's awkward).

Hope that helps.

After years of negative reactions from people when I'd get this wrong, I've learned that it's better to just keep mostly quiet. If I'm in the mood to interact, I'll ask someone a few questions to get the ball rolling, then let them carry the conversation. Most people enjoy a chance to ramble on about their favorite subject, usually themselves.

Of course this all depends on why you're having the conversation in the first place. Most of the time, my motive is to get them to like me. If that's not what you're after, this ain't such a good idea.

If this is people you can observe for some time, often there's a "tell" that the conversation is open to whoever wants to jump in. Sometimes it's a subtle change in eye contact between the speakers, sometimes a small vocalization like "um," and a slight pause (but not an intake of breath, which indicates they're just pausing to breathe and not to move on.)

I'm not all that good at this, myself, in part because it takes a LOT of anthropology to figure out, and I'm too old. I mostly apologize a lot; people have gotten used to me dominating conversations.

That's one of the many things I haven't figured out yet. I usually just listen, and then when they're done, I ask one of the people I feel comfortable with later.

I think THIS is my biggest downfall and my main cause of grief and frustration!!

I think I really just need good old fashioned practice. I feel as though, thanks to TONS of observation, I have a pretty good inkling most times as to when the proper time to add my two sense would be - it's just that I spend too much time trying to make SURE that it is the proper time, and in the meantime I just miss the moment. I just need to practice throwing myself out there.

I think that, because of past experience, I am just really afraid to make mistakes. However, in reality, I don't think this is anything to be afraid of because no one is really judging anyone else that way. The people that I am friends with now are a lot different and more mature than the my "friends" from high school. Not to mention, I actually CHOSE these people, as opposed to just being stuck with whoever was in my class, etc. Things have changed, and I've changed too.... I just need to adopt a new mindset

A lot of times, I have that problem where I just can't think of what I feel about any given topic or what I want to say QUICK enough, and then before I know it, the topic has changed, but I am still catching up with the previous topic. I am not sure if this can ever be avoided, but I think that if I can just get in the habit of inserting myself in the convo and getting out the things that I DO think of, it will elongate the conversation because I am another contributor, thus giving me more time to mentally catch up and figure out what else I have to say about the topic.

Yes, I've actually used that as a simile in describing this problem to others

I think I'm bridged to the rest of the conversation group - I get all the messages because we're on the same broadcast domain, but I can't sense collisions...

Heh, This is a problem for me.

I tend to understand what someone is going to say about a quarter way through their sentences', So I tend to not reply when they finish speaking, inducing a "Y'know what I mean?" and the occasional Vern thrown on the end of it.

I hate this sentence; Y'know what I mean? most annoying thing someone can say to me.

When it comes to interrupting without leaving the speaker offended, They cant hear me speak over their own voices anyways. =/

I must admit that I occasionally say "Do you know what I mean?" when I need to make sure that the listener understands what I have said so that I know whether I have to clarify or can move on, but I don't throw it in at the end of most sentences as one of my friends did after he'd been living in England for a while (although it was really "na'meen?")

I went out for a drink with a colleague and a couple of people from a sort-of partner orgnanisation of ours that I'd corresponded to by email, and found that in the increased noise and having had a couple of drinks to loosen up (I'm also a bit sleep deprived - got about 3.5 hours last night) I was slightly more inclined to seize control of the conversation and "butt in" in the manner I described, and nobody seemed offended, but I still did have a few "false starts" and it took a long time (2 hours roughly) to be able to have the discussions that I specifically wanted to have when I decided to go (and I think the other person thought I was accusing them of not doing something that they should be in their job, when I was just curious to know what they were doing in that area (I know this is vague, sorry)) because the noise was bothering me.