Possible autism

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Don't feel obligated to read on because it's very long
"LOL! I won't!"
Okay.


I've always been very articulate in writing and speech. I've always received high marks in everything that has to do with communication. I developed a pretty extensive vocabulary from reading encyclopedias and stuff. Most of this I think was from my earlier days, I'd be able to soak up a lot more information without depression-like presumptions clouding my memory. I believe the only thing I'm bad at is organization, even though I can definitely just proof-read and switch things around, my brain has so many thoughts that are flying out at a time that I really just "fetch" them as fast as I can type without forgetting them.

When I was in elementary school -- public -- I had a lot of friends, was very outgoing, could talk openly and joke with anyone. I was on many sports teams / athletic clubs. I kind of embraced that Nike athletic type kid persona. I'd usually place first in any competiton, I played the saxophone, I was active.

Now I'm very introverted, this stems from middle school onward. Reason being, I was severely made fun of/bullied throughout my school career past 6th grade. But really, the only thing kids made fun of was my name (funny how I seemed to have been growing up right around the explosion of the term, caught in the middle). So basically in middle school and HS I tried to keep as low of profile as I could, often wearing similar clothing -- jeans, a couple different sweatshirts. I didn't want to be bright, but I didn't want to be the "gothy" "I hate the world"-esque pretentious-wielding purveyors of pastiche-laden idiocy. It was basically the "whatever," "could care less" look.

Well, in being this for so long, it carried over to my way of life. I didn't like to go outside since I was picked on even in cities neighboring the one I live in by the fairly large group of people who had partaken in it (for reference, a lot of my past and present "friends" likewise made fun of my name at one point or another, I suppose more so in jest than to be malicious). I don't go in any stores in this city, I know many of the kids I went to HS with still reside in this city in some way, shape or form. I've seen these kids, well adults now, working in just about any and every store around the city. So I just avoid confrontation, smirks, I just try to be invisible. I stay inside everyday, I suppose this means it's a 24-hour commitment. No I don't like it, but the city is killing me. I only travel outside of my house in the nighttime, I mostly walk but use the car when necessary. I do like to be alone but I figure I'm probably alone too much. I see my life as more of a fading memory every day, but I do not have any memories to reflect on, except for a computer screen and my bedside. Yes, I have a few friends, but you know those social clique things that groups of people have? Well, I'm literally out of the loop on everyone's social spectrum.

Interaction is hit or miss for me. If I know that I don't know the person (or that he doesn't know me, and that I'll probably won't interact the the person ever again) I can be completely normal, can easily hold a conversation, partake in any pleasantries with ease. Some people I have a harder time communicating with, maybe ones that I sense some kind of danger of exposure with. I've developed sort of a skill at determining someones personality, their objectives, their general methodology all within the first meeting, even at first glance. In general, I communicate better with people much older than me because I figure they have a better moral foundation -- I can be open without all of this generations deceit and "seize the moment to be ironic" attitude. Back to my friends, sure I can hold decent conversations with them, two sided. I never really open up conversations, sometimes I contribute in group convos, but I don't really have much to talk about because I don't have much experience with anything. I get sick of lying after a while. With certain people I wear different masks, I can be a bit more "peppy" with one person, and a bit more downbeat with someone else. It's all about how I've internally interpreted them.

Going on with this, I really pull toward people who are different than I am. Like, not sharing the same interests at all. I feel like my interests are unique and my own, anyone else liking too much of it suggests that I share openness with others. I feel infinitely more comfortable closed. Liking what I like establishes some sort of communion. It also detracts from personal value. The feeling of the alone-ness that I'm accustomed to feels like it's being invaded. It sounds weird, but it's like I almost revel in it in my own special way. My interests are the only things I really have.

What's next? I never have conversations with myself, but I sometimes utter sentences to verbalize my thoughts. Maybe I like the way a word sounds, or I think something is entertaining being spoken aloud, or just for the purposes of exploring different annunciations of a word. Since I write music, I have a tendency to vocalize random things -- stream of conscious lyrics. I may write these down I may not. The backing music is done in my head simultaneously.

Let's see, convoluted reasoning. Yes, I'm convoluted mostly. When someone talks about desires and pleasure, I think of ways that it could be wrecked and destroyed. When someone utters something about destruction and devastation I question the intentions of humanity as a whole. Someone's stuped to my level of grotesquery? Well, it really isn't that grotesque, it's more of "what if" scenario! But, they were serious, was I? Not... I don't think so, maybe I was maybe not. I'm questioning myself really, I get it. I also get that I don't add it up correctly because on occasion I have severe thoughts of alienation that I do intentionally to distance myself from people.

So now I'm in college. I'm doing terrible in a couple classes. Lack of motivation. Seems like I care less with each day. I see a lot of people taking action, initiative, and whatever. I go to school, get mindnumbingly bored with every waking hour, but I don't have the drive to do something. Maybe I don't want a repeat of the dreaded public schooling days.

I don't have thoughts of suicide really, not in a literal sense at least, I still feel like I *need* to do something with my short life. Besides I don't want to put my family in my school debt. I also don't want those kids from middle/high school to think they've broken or won me.

Needs? Well, what do I need. I figure I'm pretty lost, that is out of touch with reality. I look normal, actually, everyone tells me that I'm quite attractive (Now I'm not trying to self-aggrandize in any way, really) and I appear normal, but I really just veil everything. I don't have or show much love toward anything. Maybe I'm depressed, maybe I just can't accept others yet, maybe I can't move on and seemingly stuck in time like a spirit in purgatory.
Anecdote: At my grandma's funeral I wasn't even that sad, my mind was elsewhere and I felt a bit of a detachment from this family. I realize we're supposed to be "being brought together" but I don't speak with these people, I'm really nothing to them. I know it wasn't "my day" at all, definitely, I understand. Where were they when I got my diploma, where were they when I wanted a family reunion. My family has this huge rift, it's unhappy, everyone is pretty unhappy with everything. It filters unto me and leaves me cold in a sense.

Browsing some of the other cases on here I don't feel I'm that severe. It's almost like I'm in complete control of how I behave. I don't have any hallucinations or anything like that. But the underlying thing is that I don't know! I joined this forum because perhaps I do have autism.

I hope you enjoyed this apparent mass of "tl;dr" material. It's because I care, maybe, finally. I'm going to see a school therapist now, I'm a regular rat jumping through hoops and having her pick at my brain with pen and paper like a lab experiment!



BY THE WAY! ASK ME ANY QUESTIONS SO I MAY HELP UNDERSTAND MYSELF BETTER (ESPECIALLY THOSE WITH DIAGNOSED CONDITIONS!) Appreciate it.

The simplest and most accurate response is, if you suspect it, speak to your general practitioner and get a referral... your greatest tool is diagnosis.

Your descriptions of your internal experience and developmental history do not indicate autism to me.

Autism starts in early childhood and affects socialization and/or communication very significantly, and your developmental history does not sound like autism. Neither do your interaction skills, e.g. being able to interact easily with strangers, being able to read people easily, being able to wear different masks for different people.

I did think of schizoid personality disorder while reading. Have you looked into that? Extreme introversion, emotional detachment, and lack of motivation are consistent with SPD, which often starts in adolescence.

I was talking to an online friend (who is a true aspie) and he said I might have austism, I've known about this site for a while and decided to try and be as open as I could. I failed to mention I get obsessed with strange, minute things.

I've always had negative connotations of schizophrenics. "Schizos" these people are universally tagged as crazy and bashed beyond belief. I didn't know it could develop, I thought it was something innate! I felt some of the symptoms more strongly as the years progressed, but it's never been like hallucinations or anything.

I have to agree your symptoms don't shout autism to me. Autistic spectrum disorders generally show up strongly in early childhood and your symptoms appear to have developed in adolescence. You also don't appear to have the same communication issues as most autistics.

SPD and social anxiety sound more likely to me. By the way, don't confuse schizoid personality disorder with schizophrenia. They are quite different.

Whatever you have you are still welcome here. No matter what you have, if you identify with people here on WP then hang around. Like many others here I have no official diagnosis so while I think I have Asperger's I could be completely wrong. In fact I did consider SPD for myself for quite some time.

That really sounds like social anxiety to me. Social anxiety is also rather common to develop from bullying.