How do I not look miserable when shy?

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Apparently I look grumpy and miserable to people I don't know very well. When I know people I automatically smile and look cheerful, but with people I don't know very well I tend to feel rather shy, and then they think I'm always like that so they don't speak at all, even if I look at them and attempt a smile.

I can't help being like it. I think people take it as unfriendliness. I know this because when there are visitors at work who I don't know, I feel shy saying hello, so I just give an awkward smile as I go by, and I can tell that they mirror that because they give me an awkward look back, then I hear them saying hello to the next worker they pass.

How do I make my face more friendly when I'm feeling shy? I do have social phobia, which is not the same thing as being unfriendly. In fact I actually consider myself a rather friendly person by nature, but my social anxiety takes over. Does make me feel isolated. What can I do to make myself seem more approachable?

ps. I do make friendly gestures when being introduced to somebody, but otherwise when approaching people I don't know very well on my own, I feel rather panicky inside.

I know what you mean.

I've been perceived as unfriendly and stuck up before.

As I try to answer your post, Joe90, I feel exhausted. To smile and be cheerful to every single person you pass sounds absolutely draining.

You can develop a better ability to do this if you want to practice. You can go to a crowded place and when you pass people or maybe stand next to people in line, you can force yourself to smile and say "hello." To my mind, hello seems a little awkward, so I'm more likely to make a casual remark like "how about this heat? can you believe it?" Or in a movie line, you might ask them if they've read any reviews of this movie.

But like I said, to do this routinely, all the time, seems exhausting. If you think so too, ask yourself how much you care about shifting the perception of you as unfriendly and how much you care about getting through the day psychologically intact.

I don't know how to answer your question, Joe.

But look at it this way: When your NT peers are desperately trying to hide their "laugh lines", you won't have any to worry about, and you will look much younger than they!

I hope this helps.

I'm not sure if I will have the courage to actually start smalltalk with someone when waiting in line. I'm afraid of getting rejected. Where I come from people don't usually randomly start smalltalk like that, unless they are old people.

Usually when I meet someone's eye I give a smile, but often they just carry on staring at me with a blank face, which makes me wish I hadn't smiled at all. I'm getting fed up with wasting my time being friendly with people when all I get is nothing in return.

But then again, that is what this thread is about. People probably mistake my shyness for being snooty or unfriendly, so they don't take any notice of my shy smile, and don't bother making any sort of friendliness.

I am getting to the point where I don't want to make eye contact with anyone unless I know them (obviously), or if it's necessary. But when I don't make eye contact with anyone, like if I'm in the supermarket, I feel like everybody's staring at me.

It's funny how eye contact and smiling is so natural when I'm talking to friends/family/partner/neighbours/co-workers, etc, yet passing complete strangers in the street or in shops feels so awkward.

Oh Joe, I promise you, they aren't.

Let me tell you a little story from my own life. I had had a second baby and wanted to get back into shape and especially into exercise. I had been going to a gym serving all ages and felt good about not being the only 30-something. But when I went back to college, and could use the university gym for free, I couldn't justify paying for a gym. But I was DREADING all those skinny college girls seeing my frumpy physique in the locker room... but it had to happen... so I screwed up all my courage. Furtively I looked around, checking to see who was staring at me. Know what? They were all way too into themselves, to gawk at me! After that first or second visit, I was able to relax and stop worrying about it.

I bet the same is true about you and the people you pass. I give you permission to avert your gaze and stop smiling except when you really feel happy or know someone.

Hi Joe. Thank you for sharing.

I do the same thing. Approaching people is hard, especially people I don't know at all or very well. I usually just smile and continue on my way or I might say "Hi." I think mostly I look mad or upset, or I have no expression. Someone might ask me if I'm OK and I typically will be short with them and respond, "I'm just thinking." I don't know how else to respond or how to start a conversation or end a conversation, so I try to avoid small talk also.

I've noticed that if I'm entering a room (say the staff lounge), and there is only one person I can approach that person with a simple greeting. However, if there is more than one person I will just smile, make little eye contact and avoid any conversation at all. I've had someone tell me he thought I was mute for the first 10 months on the job, because I never spoke to him and he had never witnessed me speaking to anyone.

At the school I worked at prior to my current job, there was a long hallway that I hated. Anytime you would walk down this hallway from one end, there was bound to be someone else walking down it from the opposite end. The hallway seemed so much longer to me because you would either be making eye contact with the person for a very long time or you would have to awkwardly avoid eye contact the entire time. Then there was the question of whether you would make eye contact when meeting in the middle and whether to smile or say "Hello". I also noticed how most people would exchange a smile or "hello" with me but might have more words to exchange with someone behind me.

I think if you are more comfortable with nonverbal communication, you can always just try to smile more. I've tried this and it has helped me not look mad all the time. I even did it so much at another job that a man I worked started calling me "smiling girl" in his native language. That was a little ironic. I think sometimes if I try hard enough, I can blend in. But, I don't push myself to start conversations and engage in small talk with people. I find that to be too stressful to push myself to do things I'm not ready to do all the time. It is also physically and mentally exhausting. I think you can start with small steps, but also know that you don't have to do these things if it makes you more anxious and uncomfortable.

What I do is think about something that makes me happy or makes me laugh. That way, I'm grinning about something half of the time.

Me too!