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biostructure
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26 Mar 2012, 2:53 pm

Since the direct comments thread doesn't like formatting, it mangled my reply. Therefore, I'm copying it here correctly, so that it's clear...

I was intrigued by the following. I think this is part of the problem why I don't seem to connect well with many of the women I meet on the spectrum.

Girls are most often, compared to boys, more cautious, so we observe, ask, learn and imitate in order to fit in. And whenever we commit a social faux pas we are more likely to react with withdrawal, apologizing, trying to appease the ones we have ‘wronged’, whereas the boys react outwards, with aggression, trying to assert his right and role in the group.

I strongly feel I am seeking the women who showed an unmistakeable "boy pattern" of dealing with their AS--or other--issues: the outwardly directed, aggressive (whether or not physically) mode. The women I have connected with on here were ALL that type (if there are any more of those, go ahead and message me).

The pattern she is describing, I have come to label the "rescue dog" pattern. And it makes me actually feel worse about myself, because they feel like no "match" for my intensity, they tend to come across as rather "blah", and their fragility makes me feel WORSE about my pent-up frustration and empathic challenges, not better, as I'd expect a "kindred spirit" to do.



GrimmRomance
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26 Mar 2012, 3:03 pm

My comment to your reply to my article/blog post:

Quote:
Ah! Someone's been reading my blog. May I just add that I specifically wrote 'girls' and not 'women' for a reason. :) I don't think the majority of aspie women stay that way for the rest of their lives, which is also why we cannot mask our autistic traits forever. That is at least my experience with adult women on the spectrum - myself included. Thanks for the comment!


As always: not two people are alike - everyone's development is different. Thank you. : )



biostructure
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26 Mar 2012, 3:30 pm

Well, your blog was the first thing at the top when I came to WP today.

Of course not everyone changes--the type of aggression I'm talking about, though, is a young sort of thing that lessens with age (possibly resurfacing for some time at puberty), not the other way around. And not necessarily because it goes away, but because one learns to control it.

Up through 3rd grade, I had problems with physically lashing out at kids who tried to make my life difficult, or at teachers who didn't understand me. Now, while I still sometimes get frustrated, I don't take it out on people physically because I know that is unfair (not to mention often illegal) and counterproductive.

Note also that this kind of lashing out has nothing to do with having a violent personality per se. I'm actually quite a pacifist and have never been one to glorify physical violence--it was something that would result from pent-up frustration.

It does seem that on average "normal" boys and girls mature in "opposite directions". For instance, girls tend to love/connect early and their lust peaks later in life, while boys on average lust well before they know how to love. And similarly, girls on average develop "negotiating skills" before they develop aggression, and boys the opposite. The women who seem most aspie to me have always been the ones who developed like exaggerated boys in all these ways, and I have met some of those on here. And in that dreaded video from Autism Speaks, one of the moms talks about receiving calls from school that her autistic daughter has hit or kicked another kid.

Sometimes I wonder whether girls who show these symptoms get labeled more often with either low-functioning autism (even when at the same time brilliant or creative), or other things, like antisocial personality or ADHD or some form of gender dysphoria because their apparent "roughness" stands out more than their awkwardness.

Oh, and sorry for getting your last name wrong.