My entire life has been faked, please help

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Hi everyone. I've only recently began learning about Asperger's, and it hit me like a tidal wave of cement when I realized how closely I related to it. I haven't been diagnosed, and even though every online test I've taken tells me I'm most likely an Aspie, I do not know how valid these tests are. Now, this question has probably been asked many times, but I cannot find sufficient information to answer it for myself. I cannot talk to my family about this, because though they are nice people, they do not know me on the inside, they are biased against me, and they are ignorant in regards to this topic.


Some quick facts about myself which may or may not pertain to the topic: I’m 22, female, INTP, my family treated me well, I have above-average intelligence, I was placed in a “gifted” kid’s program in elementary school but did not go because I didn’t want to socialize or do the work, I am artistically and musically talented, never fit into gender norms and had to learn them and fake them, and I am obsessed with learning about my special interests, always reading non-fiction, even as a kid... however- my mom noticed I had significant mood, motivational, and social issues when I was 9, took me to a psychiatrist, she did almost all of the talking for me, so I was diagnosed with “depression”, given Prozac, and sent on my way. The med didn’t work and I stopped taking it soon thereafter, and refused to go back for a long while. Over time I have been diagnosed with severe social anxiety, panic disorder, mild ocd, inattentive add, and type 2 bipolar (this seems like a stupidly extensive list, but some psychiatrists love to rush to diagnosis it seems). Anyway, I also have topographic disorientation, and sometimes have significant difficulty with basic daily activities such as using a gas pump or opening a lock. I have excessive social difficulties and haven’t had or sought friends in 5 years. I am way oversensitive, overdefensive, and oversuspicious. Though I have much potential, I did horribly in school and I drop out of most of my college courses. In highschool, my grades were so terrible that out of around 2,000 kids in my senior class (my school was overcrowded), I placed in the bottom 40 based on average gpa.


My entire life has been a grand personality charade, and I am almost entirely sure that I was able to pull it off for the simple fact that I am an extremely attractive girl, which helped me successfully in create a false image of myself, and that I am capable of mimicking the behavior of others in order to maintain the appearance of being “normal”, and to hold a crappy part-time job shelving books at a library.


So, is it possible to meet every single criteria for the diagnosis of at least mild Asperger’s, except- I have empathy, can read facial expressions, recognize people, am influenced by the moods of people close to me, can use non-verbal gestures (awkwardly, but usually correctly), did not make stereotyped movements as a kid, know when not to say things in order to not offend people, was extremely obsessed with playing pretend and had an astounding imagination (according to others) when it pertained to my special interests, and can usually detect sarcasm. ?


However, there are so many other things I could type about myself that signify a resemblance to this syndrome, but it would end up as a giant wall of text (as if this isn’t one already), and I know people would most likely not read it, and therefore not reply to my post. But if anyone asks me to list some facts about myself that I consider so abnormal as to merit qualification for a deep mental anomaly, I will. (I’ve already typed them numerous times, but then deleted it because I am terrified of admitting these things even to anonymous strangers on the internet because I fear someone may find out who it came from.)


Please, someone help me, please give me some information. This is the only thing that would make sense to me anymore. I am lost and at the end of my line. Thank you.

Last edited by Scum on 18 Mar 2012, 9:12 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I think it's generally misleading to think of Asperger's in black and white. So it could be possible that you have it or something similar to it.

The main problem why people are not diagnosed is that Asperger's is publicly perceived as something odd and many believe that autism only refers to one thing - well, that's basically what a lot people do, they reduce it to only a few factors. So they're basically simplifying the human brain. ^^

Asperger's is "situated" in the autism spectrum and a spectrum, by definition, is gradual. It's not just "normal" and "Asperger's". So I believe that even though you have empathy and can read social cues pretty well, it is possible that you have Asperger's. Maybe a milder form, but it doesn't change anything about the Asperger's itself.

I find it difficult myself to tell whether my understanding of sarcasm is "normal", but I can recall many situations where I did not get it. Sometimes I can detect sarcasm, other times I cannot. It all depends on how "obvious" it is. Subtle sarcasm really is invisible to me.

If you can feel empathy, you're probably like me.

I have NVLD, or Non-Verbal Learning Disorder.

With NVLD, you share all the symptoms of Asperger's except for the fact that people with NVLD can empathize. You are lucky that your social skills are mostly alright, mine aren't

Your symptoms are milder than mine, but that makes sense. NVLD is really an injury. What happens is this: When you were a fetus, you were developing as a left handed individual, so the right side of your brain was dominant. Then, either late in pregnancy (in my case) or during birth (in most cases), you did not get enough oxygen and hypoxia results. You were getting some but not enough to sustain all your cells in your whole body. Your heart would've worked really hard to make up for the deficit, but after about 15-30 minutes (depending on how much oxygen you were getting) it can no longer sustain all the parts of your brain. First, you develop ADD/ADHD. Then, the dominant temporal lobe, which needs the most oxygen, begins to die. Your intelligence is not affected. At this point, in the case of the person with NLD, the oxygen is then "turned back on" and you can breathe normally again. Oxygen returns to the brain and cell death stops within minutes (some nerve cells, in a final desperate attempt to survive, begin fermenting. This releases toxic compounds which ironically kill the cells)

The right side of the brain controls social skills, spacial perceptions, etc. Basically, the person resembles someone with Aspergers. NVLD can vary in severity based on how long you were without enough oxygen and how many cells died. In your case (if my guess is right) , not as many cells in your right hemisphere died, so your NVLD would be milder (I am so jealous of your social skills, really).

People with NVLD tend to write with their right hand, even though it is not the dominant one. The left hand, once dominant, is fairly weak. Handwriting tends to be messy. These people also tend to have all the symptoms of ADD/ADHD.

NVLD can also be caused by a stroke, which can occur in premature babies. These babies may not have the attentional issues that people with hypoxia-induced NVLD have, but most do.

Remember, brain injury ≠ stupid. Hypoxia actually takes a really long time to affect intelligence. One thing that is unfortunate about NVLD is that it is extremely difficult to understand for the NT person. Also, many doctors diagnose people with NVLD with Aspergers. One doctor in an article about NVLD anonymously confessed to deliberately misdiagnosing people with NVLD with Aspergers because "their IEPs would so similar, it would be easier to just treat it like Aspergers, which people are more familiar with". What can I say, some doctors are horribly lazy people.

You sound so familiar-look into NVLD, your comments reminded me of myself I have also been lying my whole life, everyone at school, including the administration, thinks I am NT.

Source: Obsessive, hours-long,searches through medical journals.

I think it is misleading as well, and I don't think of it as black and white. But I sometimes hear and read that a misunderstanding of sarcasm, lack of empathy, and the other things I mentioned, are "crucial" or "central" aspects of Asperger's. But I relate so strongly to everything else that I am skeptical of this sort of "black and white" thinking.

Also, I have been faking my social "skills" for so long that I forget when or what I've learned as opposed to what comes naturally. There many days in which I don't feel like expending the mental strain of pretending, even at work, so I go the entire day without talking, looking at, or smiling at anyone. I've almost been fired because of it.

I'll look into it, thank you for the information.

I didn't list all of my symptoms. I wouldn't say my social skills are mostly alright, they mostly suck actually, I'm just faking them well enough I guess. I tend to mimic the personality of people I talk to, and I even mimic the way their voice and laughter sounds. But when it comes to unfamiliar social situations, I'm pretty clueless. I remember once at work, this girl fell over and lay flat on the ground near me, and people started rushing to help her, and I just stood there not knowing what to do and started laughing because I thought she tripped and I thought it was funny that people thought it was a big deal. Turns out she was having a seizure and I felt like crap as soon as I realized that I made an ass out of myself. So idk.

What are your social skills like?

Oh and, are you saying that the fact that I have empathy means I cannot have Asperger's?

You don't have to have all of the symptoms of AS in order to have AS. But the people who mentioned non-verbal learning disorder might have something there; maybe it is more a matter of learning differently than having an autism spectrum disorder properly. You might also check into social anxiety disorder--lots of autistics have social anxiety disorder of course but you can have it on its own. And then there are the people who have just autistic traits, but not autism proper...

What psychologists sometimes don't tell you is that not everybody fits neatly into a diagnostic category. Most people are atypical for their diagnosis in one way or another; and some people just don't fit into anything. You aren't a textbook case of anything, including autism; you're just yourself. While that may be difficult to explain to a professional, it's okay to recognize that you can indeed have a set of traits that are not quite anything, but still pose problems for you that you need to learn how to solve.

Psychologists do like having precise names for everything. It's easy to think of "autism" as one big group with sharp edges, that you're either autistic or you're not; but actually, autism blends very smoothly into the typical range and into many other disorders like ADHD and social anxiety disorder, as well as personality traits like introversion and an organized thinking style.

It's okay to be like that. Let them label away, if that's what will get you help; just make sure they don't stereotype you by the label. Sometimes you have to talk to the professionals and say, "Look, this is just the words we used to say I needed some help; let's define precisely what I need, instead of going by the labels."

I have empathy, and diagnosed Asperger's by a specialist. My social skills are rotten, and I have face blindness, pretty close.

Tony Attwood said that a diagnosis of Asperger's is like a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle. Some of the pieces have one straight side, and some of them have two straight sides forming a corner. You get all those out and put them together. Then you work on the pieces with four wiggly sides, and when you have 800 pieces in place, you have your diagnosis. That leaves 200 pieces lying around the table for the NTs or other autistics to have. And when somebody else does another version of the puzzle, there might be a different 200 pieces left out. There are a lot of different ways to be an Aspie.

Check into social anxiety disorder? Social anxiety and social confusion controls my entire life. My life has been thoroughly destroyed by social anxiety and the panic attacks induced by it. As I said in my first post, I haven't had or sought friends for 5 years now. Because socializing is too confusing and exhausting, and I've had countless mishaps and embarrassments, and I just stopped trying. It felt too unnatural to me. I only talk to my family and I cannot even go to a grocery store by myself without the possibility of melting down in public. I think I have created the impression that my social skills are better than they really are, by my first post, because I wanted an answer to a specific question, so I didn't feel like elaborating.

I can only feign basic small talk by mimickery, and even then, I'm still always known as the weird awkward girl at work. There is absolutely no way I could work in retail without breaking down from overstimulation. I'm lucky to work in a library, which means minimal contact with people (I got the job only because my mom's friend is the librarian there, and I had Xanax for the interview), but I still have frequent breakdowns and panic attacks at work. They can be triggered by something as simple as a patron approaching me and asking me too many questions that I don't know the answers to. I'll stumble my way through talking to people, dodging their prying questions. One time I had an insta-panic attack because my boss just looked at me and smiled. I started uncontrollably grimacing, shaking, hyperventillating, while she stood there wide-eyed and asked "Hun, you okay?" to which I replied "Yeah don't feel good" and stumbled to the bathroom, threw up in the toilet, and stayed in there laying on the ground crying and thinking about killing myself, for 20 minutes. I just told my boss I was sick. This is one example.

I'm sure my coworkers have seen me during my breakdowns, and know that something's wrong with me, but I have a feeling that they know to leave me alone. I have a feeling that my mom's friend (the librarian) tells people to go easy on me or something. It's just a library, so it's a really laid-back work atmosphere.

I frequently mess up at work, even in non-social situations, and have almost been fired. My boss frequently says "I don't know how you make the mistakes you make. You need to pay attention." But she seems to know something is "off" with me because she treats me differently than she treats my coworkers. She lets me off the hook a lot and talks to me in a soft motherly voice, and explains things to me very thoroughly. It took me more than 2 years to have a full conversation with one of my coworkers without stuttering, blushing, shaking, going blank, saying the wrong thing, and messing up. I've been there for 4 years and still hardly know any of my coworkers, and avoid conversations whenever I can. People often tell me I look angry, confused, and I get the "omg are you okay?" question a lot. I usually just walk past everyone in the morning looking at the ground to avoid the chance of someone trying to talk to me. I intentionally take a really long time shelving books, so I don't have to go back into the workplace to talk to people. It's really bad.

Rarely I'll "click" with someone who I can feel at ease with, for whatever reason. Certain people make me feel more comfortable than others and I don't know why.

I know Autism is a spectrum and not everyone has the same exact symptoms. I just wanted to know, essentially, if it's possible to have Asperger's yet still have a sense of empathy and an ability to know when to not be blunt.

Last edited by Scum on 19 Mar 2012, 12:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

Okay, thank you. This was a clear answer. I'm still debating whether or not I should see a specialist. I'm sure my family would laugh and think I was ridiculous if I even mentioned any of this to them. My mom is an emotionally distant ignoramus who sits around watching TV all day, my dad is an alcoholic with narcissistic personality disorder, and my sisters have their own lives and issues to deal with. I feel so alone.

Wow. Thanks for sharing your experiences.
As I was reading your original post, all I could think was "She sounds so much like me."
I am not officially diagnosed with AS (just dysthymia and OCD), but I'm starting the process. The forms are still sitting on my side table, half filled out. Truthfully, I have not finished filling out the forms because while I definitely fit the criteria for AS, I am very empathetic. I keep doubting that I could have AS because I can "sense" people's moods, intentions, or just their energy. I just don't know what to do with that information.
BTW, I'm 30 and female, and you are definitely not alone.

So many things you wrote were things I would write. I feel like an impostor all the time. My mother has told me repeatedly to "Fake it until you make it." I hate this phrase because it seems made for the shy, or underconfident person, not for someone who is literally on edge every moment of all social interactions. I am a brilliant chameleon. I pick up accents immediately and parrot them back to people. I watch people very carefully. I understand that "fitting in" is how to survive, and one of my special interests (embarrassingly) is human behavior. I still can't figure it out though, and I'm smart, so maybe I do have an unequal deficit in that arena.

I feel so awkward in public. I totally understand the issue with being physically attractive. I'm not that good looking, but I'm unusual as a 6 ft tall female with huge blonde curls. I know that I attract attention, and it is so ... ickky. I don't know how else to describe it. I feel like I'm being watched, like a deer caught in the hunter's crosshairs. I can feel the energy of it. I have been pretty agoraphobic in the last few years. Right now I'm working from home (which would be ok if I was making enough money to actually pay my bills AND taxes), and I spend everyday indoors. I go on the porch now because I hung screens all around it so no one can see me.
My mother keeps telling me that "no one is looking at you. They only care about themselves. No one cares about you enough to pay attention to your every move." I can't even take that seriously. The whole world runs on surface interactions. How you look, what you wear, what you say, what you buy... people notice this stuff. And I know that I am outside the criteria for "normal" across the board. Just because I'm a weirdo doesn't mean that I have no sense of dignity.

I know I'm rambling. I tend to do that. I just wanted to show my solidarity. You have a community. There are other women like you. Women who feel like pretenders, who are frustrated and anxious, who are exhausted by trying to keep up with this insane world where if you need a job you have to be "positive, a lover of people, and chirpy".
I call myself "Debbie Downer" in private. (It is from an SNL skit, look it up)
I'm 30 and I still don't know what I'm doing. I know I'm sick of living on 190 dollars a week. I'm sick of having so few resources. I'm sick of being told that everyone else is struggling too (in this economic climate), and that my struggles aren't important enough to justify help.
I don't know how great of an ally I could be to you (or anyone else), but I hear you, and I think we are very alike. I totally understood what you wrote, and if you think you want to try to get the diagnosis, you totally should.
If I could stand hugging at all, I'd awkwardly pat your arm and nod like a parakeet. You are ok with me.

Wow, thank you. I’m glad we can relate to each other. I feel a little less lonely hearing from people like you and reading about people’s thoughts and experiences on this forum. I wish I had a friend like you in real life.

I agree with what you said about surface interactions. Denying the fact that appearance and demeanor have an effect on the way people perceive and treat you, is just irrational.

As for being physically attractive, I’d say it helped me in regards to forming that false image of myself and surrounding myself with just enough casual friends in order to appear “normal.” But my life's obsession with seeming normal is driving me to madness. I don’t want to keep up with the act. It's too exhausting and I’m tired of suppressing my true nature in order to not annoy or baffle people. It’s really killing me on the inside. The whole “fake it ‘till you make it” thing isn’t how I want to live my life anymore. I’m sick of living a lie, you know? I’d rather be dead than continue this way. I feel pretty foolish for pushing away my true self for so long, avoiding pursuit of my true interests for fear of what people would think. I just wish I wasn’t so terrified. Being bullied in middle school for being "weird" is what initiated the whole charade. Maybe I really don't need to pretend as much anymore. I don't know.

And don’t worry about the rambling. It always makes for a much more interesting conversation.

Lately, I've been pretending less often. Instead of trying to act normal (and being miserable), I've taken small steps to just acting authentically. Some situations are not appropriate for these experiments. Anytime I'm very anxious (meltdown territory), I will end up just blurting out excuses and getting away as quick as I can. But there are safe times and places where I can try out just acting how I feel, like in some stores, with my client, or with my boyfriend. I have a way of talking that feel natural and comfortable to me, but to most people I sound odd, like a child singing. I talk to animals (and I do mean all animals- even insects). I've controlled my "movements" for most of my life, and I've been trying to be more free to express my finger tapping and mouth movements. I've even tried to let up on my "rule" that I must make appropriate eye contact, and just look where I want.

I guess I don't need to say that I'm unusual among aspies in that I have a great deal of control over my socially questionable impulses and actions. It just takes so much energy to maintain, and you are right! It is killing us to keep up the ruse.

I can't say that it has been easy. I don't know why I've decided to try out "being myself", but it does alleviate that crushing exhaustion that putting on the mask causes. And I can't say that I'm comfortable in my own self, and how I actually feel like acting. But it is an experiment that has helped to relieve some of the pressure.

I would like to have a friend that understands what it is like to be me. I've explained it to some people, and they just don't comprehend how it could be upsetting to order a coffee, or deal with a picky customer, or just say hello or wave to a neighbor (shudder).

I also have something called dysautonomia, which longstoryshort compounds my social anxiety because my body temperature, blood pressure, and circulation are highly changeable. So when I get stressed, I get overheated very fast, I get dizzy (and have passed dead away), and my pulse shoots up. It isn't a very visible problem, but there is nothing worse than being stressed out in a hot store, and trying to make decisions, be polite and social, when I'm seeing stars and feel like a volcano in my body and mind.

I would like to hear more about the things that you struggle with. I know I've been talking an awful lot about my experiences. What do you do when you are not shelving books? Is your living situation stable? Does the area you live have any resources that could help change your situation for the better? (I like to be alone in the woods. It is very soothing to be away from ALL THE PEOPLE. I also get to help take care of my boss' dog. I exercise her and wash her, and the doggie companionship which is very simple and easy is a comfort to me)

If you ever want to email, let me know. I'd be happy to.