Aiming to please?

Post Reply New Topic

I'm in the process of getting a diagnosis but in the meantime, I have a lot of questions.

One of the big ones relates to how the media portrays AS. It always makes it seem like people with AS are only slightly more social than people with severe autism.

I wonder then, if anyone else really tries to make others like them? It doesn't always work the way I want it to (to be honest, it rarely works the way I want it to) but the picture out there of the AS person as cold, unfeeling, and wanting nothing to do with other people doesn't match my reality.

I don't like small talk - especially with people I don't know - I can be abrupt, unintentionally short, and appear to be moody even when I feel fine. That said, I do want people to like me. I want to make people happy with me. I try to make sure I'm never the unhappy story they tell their family/cat/etc later in the day. I actually do this to a fault - I sometimes overdo it and end up giving up things important to me in favor of what I think the other person wants.

I've taken those career tests before and it always says I should be in a job where I help people, but none of the suggestions would work for me because of my lack of interaction skills - I've always thought that, even before I'd heard of AS. Helping people? Sure! Helping people and actually having to interact with them? Not so much.

Is this totally incompatible with AS or are their others that strive to be liked (however mixed the results)?

I'm not yet diagnosed, but this mirrors my own personal experience. I force myself to at least acknowledge the existence of others at work, etc..., and I can overload myself with taking on favors for others (which has led to a couple mini-meltdowns at work...wheee). I'm not fond of small talk or banal social interaction, but just the same, I also don't want to come across as a jerk.

after many years of practice working with people, i am comfortable in my 50's as a social worker. i failed at my first helping profession - medicine - but had 12 years of experience including the failure there to bring to my new job. i was born to help people. even if i am awkward at times, my strong desire to be helpful shows through. people trust me.

I'm kind of the same way, but I also don't have a professional diagnosis for AS, just ADD, depression, and anxiety. I think my need to help others comes from alienation and the need for a purpose. I've always felt alienated from most other people and just wanted to fit in and be liked so that I wouldn't feel tormented at all times. I also feel like if I died tomorrow it would make absolutely no difference whatsoever and for whatever reason I just don't like that. The solution I've found to, at least temporarily, control these feelings is to do things that make other people happy. Unfortunately, I've definitely done this to a fault quite a bit and over the years this has made me even more anti-social because I feel like so much time has been wasted putting other people's needs before mine and in the end most of the people turned out to be s**t people anyway.

Ever since i'm here on WP i'm amazed again and again to read how many "social" aspies are there. I'm definitely the least social person i've ever met and not even remotely interested in any kind of contact other than writing. However, i don't consider this a general aspie trait -- rather the contrary.

As far as i can tell, what you describe may very well occur in aspies.

Oh god, I was like a puppy dog as a kid I wanted a pat on the head all the time, its only gotten gradually better as an adult. The thing is that's what got me through school because that desire to be recognized/rewarded by teachers was enough to keep me focused to do work despite being very hyperactive and impulsive.

I'm choosing a career in human services because I enjoy helping people- I never said I enjoy talking that much. Sometimes I wonder how in the world I'll be able to do it. Then again, I look and see that many people are constantly asking me for advice and enjoy talking about themselves so much. So, in this field, I'd be PAID to listen. I find that very refreshing in comparison to how it is now. I feel like I'm being used a lot of the time, honestly. I am consistently trying to please people and befriend people, but it never works how I want it. I end up making mistakes and then I don't want to be social with them; I don't trust people enough to let them in anymore.

Obviously I don't dislike people, but I like my space. With this kind of career, though, you have to be "out there" to help. You can't always be guarded (we were taught this), because people will take it the wrong way. They tell us to keep a pretty indifferent face, which is what I have the majority of the time anyway.

I guess what I'm getting at is that everyone is different and not everyone enjoys social interaction as much as the other person. I don't always like social interaction, but I'm going into a field where there is a ton of it. A lot of the stuff you've said I deal with often. I think I've also read the majority of what you've said in other people's posts and such.