Grieving independently

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My mother just had a miscarriage at the age of forty-one. I didn't particularly think that she could carry a baby to full term at her age and with her history of difficult pregnancies. But, the baby died in the seventh month. After she'd named him, and that seemed to be a major thing for her. I didn't particularly want a brother, but I'm not happy that he died, of course. She's taken it badly, and I wish the baby could have been born just to keep her from being reduced to such emotional disquietude. I don't feel anything. I want to, and I'm sure if I search around I could find some grief. But I didn't know him. She says she knew him, because he was inside her and part of her. I guess that could be understandable. I want to help her, because I don't want her to be sad. I can't give her a baby. And I can't be a baby. And I can't make my little dead brother (His name was going to be Judas) come alive again. I hugged my mom, but that made her more sad? I don't cry for my little brother, but I cry because my mom is sad. And I don't know how to make her happy again. Sometimes I think I killed my brother with my apathy toward him before he was born. It's illogical, but I guess feelings are supposed to be? Is she angry at me, and is that why she won't be happy despite my efforts? Or am I doing the wrong thing? Please help. This is very unhappy for me.
Thanks,
Simon

You can bring up the idea of her adopting a baby.

I know you mean well with this suggestion, but no, absolutely not!

The OP's mother is grieving for her baby, for the baby that she felt moving inside her, named, and was dreaming dreams for. It takes a long time to get over a loss like that and the OP can't make her happy again, and shouldn't feel bad a out that. Be kind to your mother, listen to her and look after her. On top of the psychological and emotional trauma she is also going through hormonal changes as a result of the pregnancy.

Oh! Yes, hormones. I completely didn't remember that those would be affected. Is it safe to say that these things will pass once she begins menstruation again? Or is it a pervasive sort of sadness that'll last for a while? If not an adopted baby, what about a puppy? She likes Scottish terriers. She had one when she was my age. Is my attitude towards this awful? My dad said it was. i don't know the baby! I don't know any other way to be concerning this. He wasn't even REAL yet. He didn't talk, and I never saw his eyes.

Your mother is not mad at you, and there is nothing that you have done wrong here. She is just still very depressed and grief stricken over the loss of your brother. There is nothing you can do to speed up the recovery time. She needs to go through a mourning period that has several phases. This will take time, but there is no set amount of time for this. Different people take different amounts of time to work through the grieving period. All you can do is just be there for her.

As for age at giving birth, many women have given birth at older ages than your mother, and not just the ones who had fertility treatments. How well they and the baby handle it all depends on the health of the mother and the baby.

Just try to be there for your mom at this difficult time, and don't try to rush her through the grieving process. She will get through it in time. There will always be some sadness in her over this loss, but she should eventually be able to get on with her life. Occasionally that doesn't happen on it's own, and someone may need some psych help to get through such times, but it's best to let them try on their own first. You could suggest grief therapy or a grief support group to your mother, though.

Your sense of apathy had nothing to do with this loss. Maybe it's best to not grapple with the so-called right things to say, and don't get her a puppy at this time. Say nothing. Just let her be as she goes through the grieving process, however long it takes. It may be something your mom may never completely get over and that's OK. Follow her lead. If she needs to talk, simply listen. If she asks for a hug, hug her. If she needs quiet or solitude, let her be. If she sheds tears or gets angry, it's a sign of healing. If she asks you for a favor, do it, if you're capable. These are ways to be kind.