Why do some aspies attract despicable people?

Post Reply New Topic

My first 2 girlfriends were terrible, selfish people - not my opinion, but that of so many others around me (who tell me after the break-up). I also read about other Aspies with this same tendency to attract bad people who then manipulate, use, verbally abuse them. The Aspie sees all sorts of stuff that isn't there, even seeing virtue and admiration for the person, instead of the appropriate level of revulsion. I don't let these people near me anymore if I can help it - but as a teen I was not so aware. It has left it's mark. Why do we often have this tendency to attract these sorts of people?

Not sure if this applies to other people on the spectrum, but the reason why I attract those sorts of people is because I'm so afraid to be friendless, and so the first person who comes along and shows any bit of attention is immediately my friend, and I usually give them a chance anyway. I remember I got mixed up with the wrong people when I went to college. This girl I got friendly with had no idea how to treat friends. She made friends quite easily and got herself involved with people very quickly, but couldn't seem to cope with the friendship and so lost the friendship with them. She was far too much, always so clingy, and she couldn't seem to understand that other people have feelings too. When I first met her, she said to me, ''are we best friends?'' and she really liked me and kept inviting me out to meet up on Saturdays, but after about a year I think she got bored of me and went onto somebody else, but she still asked me to come out with them then she used to phone me up in the week telling me that I tag along and she thought I was after her boyfriend, even though I only made the odd friendly small talk with him like normal people do, and that's it. I don't flirt with boys anyway, I only like older men, and she knew that. But I could tell she was a bit weird and mixed up. She didn't have an ordinary upbringing either, which is why she's a bit troubled.
She started letting her mates bully me after that, so now I'm not her friend any more. I've got better friends now.

I can understand body language and all that rather well, but it's reacting to negative verbal and non-verbal language which is a big difficulty for me. So I have two choices, I either stay with them and put up with their weirdness, or I completely blank them out of my life. I find it difficult to go in between, because I know full well that if I stand up for myself, it always backfires (it's happened before).

maybe some of us are 'despicable' and thus attract other such people...I mean from mainstream societies perspective most of my friends and some of my family are all deviants so its what I'm used to. That said I don't like people who try to manipulate me which has happened do to me not wanting to start drama or not wanting to make enemies rather than friends......but yeah that's the last time I ignore that feeling I get when I'm around people I shouldn't trust so I am not quite so trusting anymore.

Too trusting, perhaps. Though that part of me died a long time ago.

NTs are usually the ones calling me despicable, though they've never used that word. a**hole, I've heard a lot. Sociopath quite a few times.

But I'm the "funny" guy, so they put up with me.

Maybe because aspies tend to be quiet and sometimes push-overs.

By "despicable" I don't mean deviant, awkward, or anything much like that. Nice people come in all forms. I mean ethically vacant people - more of the hyper-selfish, sociopathic, people-user types. I myself attend goth and fetish clubs, and don't consider these people "despicable" by any means of default.

Last edited by abyssquick on 23 Mar 2012, 3:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Perhaps we give off an unknown pheremone that attracts jerks allowing to seek perfect prey to take advantage of and walk all over. My last couple ex gfs were among the few that walked over me as well because I was too trusting etc.

Oh those, yeah I dislike people like that.....and sometimes I have a hard time even trusting people I know doing to past experiances with such individuals.

I've attracted a couple of people I wish I hadn't met. The last one was a couple of years ago. I think she gravitated towards me because I talk a lot and know a lot of facts (I mean stuff like what's on in the area for kids, etc). Plus, I think she saw me as a fellow 'earth mother', because I don't buy ready meals and I like taking my daughter to parks and museums, rather than going shopping. I am a bit but I'm not militant about it. She is and criticises everyone who isn't as 'wholesome' as her. She wasn't trying to use me at all, I just think she saw a kindred spirit. But, although I'm not strict, I don't allow my daughter to do just as she likes. That's where we differed entirely. Her son could hit other kids and she'd get angry with parents for telling her what he did. Then my daughter started to become the punchbag and that caused the major rift between us. She then showed her true colours and I feared for my life for several months. I hope I've learned from that.

What you've written has exactly occured to me too - a compelling question. As the others have written, I can be quite trusting. And I want (most) people to like me. I always assume, erroneously I guess, that others operate on logic...but they don't. If someone is bad to me, I'll often compensate by being almost extra-nice to them, thinking they'll learn. Now I know this is counterproductive and the one who's hurt is me. Now if I encounter a despicable person, I try to avoid them like their toxic. Because they are.

Also, for those people who are despicable, I think they do sense that we are inherently accepting. Then they can take advantage in this way. And, worse, we are so sensitive that their actions especially hurt.

Part of it, for me at least, is not being able to read people. I am easily manipulated because I just can't tell it's happening.

But a bigger part is loneliness. Become so desperate for human contact that I'll put up with just about anything in order to feel less alone.

This. Often, by the time I realise what is happening, it is too late. There are warning signals, looking back, but nothing amounting to proof. Those who have seemed most kind, have proven not to be, and those who appear most unkind, have proven not to be. I have only met one person who, while having exhibited most all behaviour associated with being a psychopath, also told me they were a psychopath. That person was the most charming, friendly person I have ever known. They said that they saw me as being useful.

Indeed. My psychologist told me once, that some AS's predisposition to be naive and trusting made them prime targets for manipulative and selfish people who would try to take advantage of them. We make easy targets I guess =/

I think that bad people are attracted to Aspies because they are trusting and easily manipulated. Sad but true.

I experienced being manipulated many times by different sorts of people. I believe that happens due to aspie's tendency to over-analyse things and hence trying to justify certain behaviors, also the fact itself that aspie do not fit into any behavioral norm contributes to a large extent since aspies tend not to be able to identify what is acceptable behaviour at certain stage in their life. The other thing is that aspies simply tend to observe life through their own self image, therefore not being able to understand different set of mind at work.

Same happens to me. I somehow am always attracted to "defective" men as my mother calls them. A friend of mine says that I always like the "fixer-uppers" lol I somehow always feel drawn to people who I am perceiving as people who "need me", if I can't help them I am not interested in them. Then there are the sociopaths, the good ones can read me and become me and I misunderstand that we have a lot in common. Then there are the not so good sociopaths, the ones who totally misread me, and I am just enjoying watching them approach me from different angles of manipulation, to no avail.
I am still hoping to just find someone who is like myself, sharing the same interests and having the same idiosyncrasies and sense of curiosity about everything. But it always gets confusing as I sense that I am responding "wrongly" and then I have no idea as to what I am doing wrong and what I was supposed to do, and then it all goes to hell in a hand basket.