Healing Hatred & Bitterness

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Apparently a lot of people with AS and Autism have bitterness problems. Personally, I have socially crippling anger and bitterness. It started from being brought up by an abusive family, and to add insult to injury I've had to deal with years of judgment from other people who found me different or "odd." Now I can barely walk past someone on the street without feeling resentment and anger toward them. I feel certain that this person whom I've never even met would also reject me if I tried to befriend them. I've been extremely academically successful however, having graduated from college with a 4.0 and being accepted into Johns Hopkins University for graduate school. But what is the point of success if you have nobody to share it with? These are some of the thoughts that have been going through my head lately, but I'm not sure how to change myself.

Please tell me I'm not alone here, any thoughts, suggestions?

Mat

This is very difficult to get past.

It is so easy to just judge them back & wish to see them abused also, so they could understand something.

I've had to break apart the sources of pain & go through them, find a way to understand why things were/are done by people.
For example, insanity and stupidity are 2 factors that people cannot control in themselves, and to see that they are operating from this rather than conscious choice makes it easier to bear their mistakes.

This doesn't ever justify wrongdoing, but it makes it possible to find a pathway to forgiveness and increasing tolerance, as well as real self-protection strategies that are specifically rather than generally applied.

When it comes to chosen damaging behaviours in such extremes as pedophilia, or cruelty to animals, I have no forgiveness for these people and would be happy to see capital punishment made legal in these cases, across all cultures.
As for living with a peaceful inner life, it helps to know that the world is evolving, if slowly, and accountability is increasing...while also keeping in mind that there are many, many good people in existence..and while it is true that the one who passes you in the street at that moment may be a callous abuser, they may also be someone worth respecting..
Personally, I feel most optimistic and at peace when I am meditating (TM) regularly, so I can recommend that.

No, you're not alone.

How to heal?

Time.

Realizing that you're not perfect, either.

Realizing that the entire world isn't trying to harm you.

Forgiving the people who were bastards. Either they're horrible people, did something mean without realizing it, were purposefully hurtful, jealous, or other... but not forgiving them years later only makes *you* live with the pain of bitterness. Not trusting other people in life later on only hurts you, not them.

Realizing you can't change people. You can't fix them. You can't make them not be bastards.

Talking about it with someone.

And just accepting that some horrible s**t happens. If you can't change it, the only thing you can do is accept it and try to keep your life moving on.

I have this problem somewhat as well, for similar reasons (violent, dysfunctional family and feeling alone/unable to connect with people). I haven't totally overcome it, but the one thing that helped immensely was to finally be able to get close to someone. I know that may not be very helpful to anyone reading this who has issues of social isolation, but if you stick with trying to find someone (friends or girlfriends or whatever), and something finally happens...well, for me much of the bitterness just dissipated like a mist or something. There was no place for it in my mind because I was having satisfying experiences with someone who gave a damn about me. The nice thing was that it took just one person to alleviate being f****d over by so many other people.

Other than that, avoiding stress from other factors in life (job, school, etc.) can help somewhat, having hobbies or things to occupy your mind, exercising, and just staying positive about being able to meet someone who is not an a**hole one day (if there is no one yet in your life yet). Thinking about other people rather than focusing on your own issues can help sometimes.

Some things I never seem to be able to get over, and I deal with it by doing something immediate to forget, like playing a computer game or watching a movie. I don't know how to get over some things, especially the ones that happen over and over again, like miscommunication. Rather than wrack my brains constantly thinking about a problem I cannot solve, I tell myself that I am upsetting myself and to just forget it for now, and again and again if the thoughts come back.

all I can tell you is that Hopkins is a beautiful school, and that means a lot coming from me because I'm a huge critic of institutions of higher education.

I've had anger/hatred/temper/bitterness issues my entire life. It doesn't take much to set me off, so you can imagine how bad it's gotten when I've genuinely been screwed over. I've punched holes in walls. (Yes, literally.) How to deal with it, or get past it? I have no idea. I just bottle it up and hope it doesn't explode. It never works out well for me when it does.

I have the same problem. I don't hate all people, just NTs. The hate is really consuming me and taking away energy from more important stuff. It also errupts often, getting me into trouble because I say something "the wrong way". One thing that helps me is to talk with someone I trust (my girlfriends or aspie friends) and ask them to remind me if I'm going into rage mode.

I feel the same sometimes. In public it doesn't take much for me to feel anger towards someone. When I can tell they're like the sort of evil b*tches I saw at school I'd immediately resent them. I also have a massive resentment for ignorant people...something I see even in my own parents. I'm a lesbian and whenever I hear their judgemental remarks I get so angry inside. I've been in the closet to them since I was 16 and I'm 22 now and they still don't know. I think because of that the anger just gets worse and worse.

I had a nightmare last night about a real life situation I experienced years ago on a train from school. A bunch of scum kids decided to assault me and this nightmare replayed it, but with me retaliating... very very very angrily. I think some things can scar you and stay with you forever and even come back into your thoughts on a regular basis.

I think after years and years of judgement from people your patience will just get thinner and thinner. Some tiny things can really p*ss me off sometimes. I guess you just need to find ways of releasing it healthily. If you ever get the chance to have some kind of therapy, then maybe try it out. Or maybe, if you have one close person in your life, discuss things with them and get it all out.... or write a blog or diary.

What she said.

You're definitely not alone. I've got the same problems. In a huge way. I've had a good life so far-- better than a lot of people-- but judgment and prejudgment have definitely touched it with a heavy hand and left behind scars I doubt I'll ever get over (not even sure I want to anymore, as then I might be fool enough to take the same risks again).

Remember that the sun still shines, the wind still blows, the flowers still bloom-- and that these things are for you also.

Remember that existence, with all its pains but also all its beauties, belongs to all who exist, regardless of neurological status.

Just stop caring about people in general. That usually saves me enough energy to be nice when I think to. Watch cartoons, listen to easy going music. Bitterness for me just sorta went away when I realized it wasn't getting me anywhere. You sound like an accomplished cool person, the fact that you're asking leads me to believe that bitterness etc., will fade like a fashion trend. Keep your head up.

I agree, the only thing that really works for me is to not care what people think in general. If people want to dislike me or like me or whatnot or etc or so forth, then have fun with thatttttttttttttttt

I use to be full of anger and bitterness, then I realize anger and bitterness won't make things any better. I realized no mater how bad things might seem, that I am blessed compared to countless other people. If something cannot be changed, then being angry and bitter over it does nothing. Far too many Aspies allow anger, hate, and bitterness to pollute their minds. It is time to free your self from it.

Those kind of judgemental remarks make me really angry too. Once when I kissed my girlfriend in a bar someone behind us shouted "dykes". I swear, if my friends hadn't been there there would have been a fight. I was in the closet to my parents for a long time and it really made the hatred worse. It was like I wanted to scream to them: Stop asking me about boys. Can't you * morons see anything?

I'm trying to get free from anger and bitterness too. Getting a diagnosis would help I think - I'm not sure whether I am as I am becuase of AS or its becuase Im truamatised by my upbringing (although I understand by looking at some of the posts on the site that it is possible for both to be true at same time).

I've made a decision to cut contact with my mother. I know its not her fault she has schizoprenia but she continues to have the power to unsettle me to this day and she will never admit to any of the abuse she has inflicted.

i hate how other people (including some members of my own family) seem to think theres something wrong in me wanting to say "sorry but Ive had enough", that I want to draw the line under being made to feel awful and inferior and unworthy everytime she talks to me. they havent experienced the abuse the way i have and when it happened there was no one there to help me or stand up for me - now I'm trying to stand up for myself the best way I can. i would like to consider having a family of my own but theres no way it will happen when she is in my life as i just think she will cause too much damage and continue to spread her poison down the generations (thinking of adopting if I'm allowed to as I don't think I could cope with psychologically giveing birth to a human being which is connected to her). I wish people could understand and accept my decision even if it is something they just wouldnt do becuase of some taboo about disowning "flesh and blood".

Matt, so sorry you have had to experience abuse as well. although i am still obviously dealing with anger and bitterness issues I have still made progress in that i have started by trying to forgive people for lesser things - like school bullies or people who have been mean to me at work. Your academic achivement should be a source of pride and I think you should always try to remember the good stuff no matter how hard life gets.

I've had the same experience, my bitterness and pain were all mixed up with my neurology. I am better than I was, and one thing that helped was to learn to challenge and/or avoid those people (and types of people and groups) who hurt me in the first place. This took about 10 years to do, bit by bit, as I would go back, find things hadn't changed, and retreat again. But once I had separated myself out, I felt more confidence, in that I may not be able to protect myself fully, but at least the good intentions were there. I started to trust and love myself more, proving that I had the strength and self-care to walk away.

In short, I was in fact really angry at myself for allowing it to go on, unchecked, for so long. Yes I am lonely, sometimes very lonely, but at least now I have myself. And when I meet someone new, there isn't the same automatic hostility because I know I can and will care for myself now.