Hostile person

Post Reply New Topic

Hello *insert courtesies here*
I have a problem with a person. I hang out with a group of people who are part of an organization I am in. I have to be with them when we have official meetings so I try to be in good relationship with all of them by hanging out sometimes.
We used to be friends but I'm not sure anymore. My boyfriend (who has asperger's) used to come with me when we hung out, and one of these people started showing hostility towards him. He started complaining with me about him when my boyfriend wasn't there. He said he was too shy and whiny and didn't show enthusiasm, so I told him it might be because of his asperger's. I tried to explain what it was and told him to google it but he later told me he didn't and that it didn't matter
One evening we were watching a movie all together and the guy moved the dvd player in a way so you couldn't use the remote. My boyfriend asked why and I think the guy interpreted this as a sign of disrespect for his decision or something, but I'm not sure I understand. Anyway, he got angry. Later, half of the people went to get some tea in another room so we stopped it and the guy wanted to make it restart, so my boyfriend told him to wait, and he apparently got angrier, so he took a carafe of water and drank from it. It was a pretty weird gesture so everybody stared, but I was distracted so my boyfriend poked me so I could see because he was obviously acting out. At that point, he told me he was leaving because otherwise he would start hitting my boyfriend.
A couple of days later my boyfriend wrote to say he didn't mean to offend him, but he didn't answer and dis-friended him on facebook.
I wrote to him to ask if we could go out together again and be reasonable, and he said that he hates my boyfriend and doesn't want him there when we go out, so I stopped going out with them because I don't think he has the right to tell me I can't go out with my boyfriend with them while another girl in the group does.
All the others don't really mind this situation.
We have a meeting tomorrow and I don't know how to be there with him because I'm exasperated.
Now my questions are:
- Am I being unreasonable? Was my boyfriend actually annoying?
- Was this actually asperger's related (I think it partially was)? Could more information about asperger's make it better?
- What can I do to make things better?
- Am I misinterpreting everything?

"- Am I being unreasonable? Was my boyfriend actually annoying?"
Its a little hard to tell without knowing the whole story, but it sounds like the hostile guy is really the one with the problem here.

I've seen people flip out about a few things like that before, often they have their own psychological problems they may well not be dealing with. The sort of reaction you describe is way out of proportion with anything you mentioned your boyfriend doing.

"- Was this actually asperger's related (I think it partially was)? Could more information about asperger's make it better?"
Something of the symptoms of Aspergers may be triggering for this guy but it wasn't specifically AS related. Aspies tend to question things and some people flip out when what they do is questioned. But we're not the only ones who ask questions or are 'annoying' at times. He doesn't sound like he wants to know more, he just wants to be pissed off so more info will likely not help.

"- What can I do to make things better?"
There may not be anything you can do to make it better if the rest of the group doesn't want to address the issue.

"- Am I misinterpreting everything?"
No, it doesn't sound like it at all

If this was in a context of 12-step or other recovery groups then its even more likely a case of an unstable individual having their own meltdown.

Your boyfriend did nothing annoying, that other person is playing power games.
Can you speak with others in the group about this situation, (as he's being very childish)?

Does the organisation you are in have a counsellor, HR person, or other appropriate person you can speak with about this?
If you can't boycott the group, or avoid the childish attention-seeker, find backup...higher up in the system, or laterally.

It's a bit complicated because it's an exchange organisation, it's not that hierarchic and they can't send him home just for that and I can't go home jus for that... But I have written again, waiting for a reply now

Yeah, I'm not really suggesting you literally stop seeing him, but maybe block/filter him out a bit in your own minds.

If you've told us everything that your bf did that could have been annoying, then the other guy must be in the wrong.

It might be good to talk with the others about the guy, to see if they're already aware of any problem with his general behaviour, and what they thought of those recent exchanges.

The only similar situation I've had - a guy getting inexplicably hostile towards/about me and wanting to have me excluded - turned out to be down to his own hidden feelings for my gf. He gave himself away by the sheer volume of communication he tried to initiate with her. So it could be sexual, though not necessarily of course.

I think it's good to detach from situations like this, rather than taking them too seriously. There are a**holes in most groups. If you take them too seriously then you will be giving them power.

If you're up to it, you could get somewhere with a direct challenge - question his behaviour when it looks out of line, put him on the back foot, so that every time he starts his antics, he might wonder if he's fuelling your criticisms and proving your point.

In my experience these things are easier to solve if the hostile person is consistent with their hostility.......if it's there one day and gone the next, it can be much harder to get to grips with the problem, because the moment it seems to have gone, everybody relaxes and loses focus on the matter, and then suddenly the person is at it again, and they've got one past you before you know what's happened.

Don't assume everyone is NT. This guy MAY have his own problems such as AsPD or BPD, you just don't know. This guy also might 'like' you and be jealous of your boyfriend. While beating the crap out of him seems like the best solution to me, I would recommend you have a talk with all of your group members together and explain how much it's bothering you. Involve them in the solution or if they don't want to help you might have to leave the group. I would say your relationship with your boyfriend is more important than the group.