So, one thing I have read is that Aspies value the world inside their heads, and indeed mine is priceless to me and one of the most painful things for me, is that I have no one to share it with. Maybe I will never find anyone to share it with. So, would you care to share what the world inside your head is like? I will share mine now as it comes to me, without caring to make it seem "normal" or "acceptable".
Tombstones, love, peace, acceptance, colours, shapes, silence, morbid images, black, love, tenderness, vulnerability, tears, desperation, a sense of being lost, alienation, life sentence, acting, pretending, guessing, taking a wild guess, observing, hoping, always to be disappointed, noises, alone, alone, alone, alone, not defective, nobody cares, carry on, blind though I can see, misunderstood, cast aside, it never ends, I try to make it work, the good thing is that it's not for ever, Spongebob is cool, hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight, hopefully I'll be able to have good dreams, the noises are driving me nuts, I hate sleeping alone, I hate waking up alone, they are different, I can't understand how they can be that shallow, day, night, day, night, breath in, breath out. I am doing my best and I am not lesser than you, you are less gifted thus you are less sensitive, but you have power in numbers. Cats, flowers, shapes, sounds, trivia, questions, analyzing, observing, hearing, noticing, recording, compiling, assembling, comparing, responding, hiding, reacting, rationalizing, acting, morbid, dead, sculls, coffins, photos, tinnitus, earplugs, white noise machine. Tired, desperate, a stranger, alive yet dead, trying to not appear to be too weird, dirt poor, each slice I eat is one slice less, how can I afford to buy food again, the phone will ring, they will call, the ones from abroad, the ones who never visit. The wings of desire, good cinema, downton abbey, twitter, my one thousand best friends, barstools, rednecks, toothless, proud to be themselves, animals, amoebas, not me, mystery. Colours, the ocean, music, synesthesia, clouds, pillows, feathers, silence, peace, I can deal with the loneliness today, somehow there is no pain today, not thinking as much, not remembering, the bottom of the ocean is nice, some day I'll be dead, all gone and forgotten, the sweet slumber will be here, this is just temporary, keep calm and carry on, at least you have the world inside your head. At least we will die some day. There is no escape anyway. Luckily the clock keeps ticking. I somehow have ruined my life and it's not my fault. Tick-tock could it ever get better? Blank... <and this more or less, is what I am going through every day>
17 Apr 2012, 11:32 pm
