Self-denial of diagnosis

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Hello.

I self diagnosed myself and then got a professional diagnosis. My therapist, who was also a member of team which diagnosed me, say that I learned some of my social skills because of my intelligence and my ability to observe people. But explain me one thing: I learned a lot about ASD before I was diagnosed. Many of the symptoms pretty much described me as a child and even as an adult. I know, that a huge amount of knowledge could affect diagnosis, so I told my therapist about it. I started to be more and more uncertain. He said that they knew about it (because I started the whole process) and they took it into account. The whole team agreed that I had AS, based on info provided by my mother and some documentation from my childhood.

After I met my therapist I was almost certain that I have AS, but then I start to deny it, because maybe I exaggerate my social problems from past and it's only my perception because of my hypersensitivity (but I know that hypersensitivity might be a part of AS, so it's confusing). Maybe I just exaggerated some "joke fight-like touches" (I hope you know what I mean) and treated them serious or treated some jokes too seriously? But... it could be also AS trait. I'm confused .

I also had problem with PE classes. I had a break caused by allergic asthma, but then I avoided PE because I knew I would suck after such a long break. It also added some points to my weirdness. I tried to behave like other people, including verbally harassment to others and to people who were also less liked, but "cool" people hated me for that sometimes. I don't know if it was only because of my PE problem or because I was too harmful/stupid/whatever even for them (even if they weren't included in my "harassment attacks"). One said "you don't attempt to PE classes and you're generally weird".

I was always introverted and had limited activities. I neglected family, social life, hygiene and other aspects of life only to do one certain things: develop computer games. My games were created all by myself, including graphics, sounds, music and code. If I had any colleagues, they were "used" to test my games .

Why did I limit my activities? Because I wanted to be the best in one particular area. I didn't care that everyone were better than me in most things. I needed to be the best in one area, that's all.

I know that it may be hard to read, but I can really fit myself in many personality disorders (including NPD, schizoid, even HPD and a little schizotypal, because of sort of magical thinking at times, for fun), so that's confusing.

Now I try to think, that I'm pretty normal, just somewhat unique and all that crap about disorders is just for losers who don't know what to do with their lives. I try not to avoid social occasions with group sharing my special interests (thanks to the Internet!). I'm happy that I could meet with people and share my knowledge/learn something from them (like usual, if I have a chance). But, sometimes, I have "waves of uncertainties", because I want to be 100% certain (I know that it's impossible).

So, I want to be Aspie, because I had time to identify with AS strongly enough (to be clear, I don't want to have more severe symptoms, I just want to keep my diagnosis ). It explains a lot. On the other side, I want to stop giving a f**k about it .

Does anyone share similar thoughts/feelings here?

Yes, I would love to, as you say, stop giving a f*k about it. Even after professional diagnosis some part of me says... no, that can't be it... for the rest of my life???? Really??? No meds, therapy, counseling, new age hippy crap will save me from constant anxiety, saying the wrong things, doing the wrong things... putting on an act if I have to go out, rather just have my bills paid and stop trying some days....

But, I insist on leading a relatively normal life... car, job, apartment, husband, cat... hopefully dog soon. But also, I know my life has gone in a "have it all" to "have almost nothing" cycle for the past two decades. It's what we're afraid to lose most that keeps us sane huh? I dunno, wish I had more answers.

I think it's pretty common to have mixed feelings regarding this diagnosis. I'm with you there.