Emotional Hangovers After Phyical Affection with Women I Met

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This past Friday, I had an interesting experience in a dive bar. I went there with a group of people I didn't really know; there was about seven people. I sort-of know one person in the group, and she invited me. We all went to this dive bar that played a lot of country music. I'm not a fan of country, and honestly, didn't expect to have that much fun, but the only alternative on Friday would be sitting at home, so I took the invitation. I was pleasantly surprised by the bar, and the music wasn't too heavily country, if you will, so I still enjoyed it somewhat. Plus, there was really good prices on drinks and food.

Pretty early on, I started hitting it off with one woman in the group. (Let's call her W.) She was fun and personable, but clearly out of my league as far as her looks are concerned. W and I ended up being from the same general area, and she even knew what I was talking about when I mentioned names of particular streets and schools in my hometown. The only difference was is that she moved to where she lives now at a much older age than me. Things also started getting physical, like standing really close, holding hands, and giving each other shoulder rubs. It felt really good, and I was enjoying it tremendously, while should enough restraint as not to seem like "one of those guys". The whole time, my conversations with W went extremely well; it seemed like she had at least a little bit of romantic interest in me. Even if she LJBF's me (that's "let's just be friends"), the physical affection was a breath of fresh air. The group stayed at the bar until it closed at 3:00 AM. Hugs and hearty handshakes went around as we parted ways.

Next morning (Saturday), instead of feeling pumped and elated, like I always felt after getting physical affection from a girl, at least always prior to 2012, I found myself feeling kind of blah and listless. I found myself experiencing these things.
** Lack of motivation to "get up and go". I sat on my computer reading random Wikipedia articles for hours. I usually stop myself before I get carried away, and try to at least eat something and get dressed before I use my computer.
** Getting pretty emotional at movie scenes and song lyrics. I'm usually pretty unmoved by these things, unless I stumble across something that just strikes a nerve.
** Second-guessing my decision to start talking to that woman in the first place. I said absolutely nothing off-putting during my whole conversation with her, and maybe got a little too forward with the shoulder massage, which didn't seem to object, either.
** General feelings of blahs and listlessness. I felt a little down in the dumps for no particular reason.
** Slowed reaction time.
** Bumping into things (but not people) while walking.

One thing I didn't experience to any degree whatsoever was anxiety. (I usually get a lot of it, caused mainly by my extremely stressful job; the toxicity of job stress permeates my personal life as well.) The whole Saturday, I was blissfully mellow and felt zero fear of anything except true physical danger, like bad drivers. Case in point: I went to a smoothie place, hoping some antioxidants will perk me up, but my blueberry smoothie came out really watery. I went to the girl at the counter, and complained firmly but in a relaxed way. She apologized profusely, and replaced my smoothie. I felt no discomfort with this whatsoever, while I usually have some difficulty using the "right" tone of voice when complaining.

I've had similar situations four times this year already (counting this one), all involving the same series of events: (1) Meet a woman who's out of my league, (2) Get into physical closeness with her, and (3) Feel blah and listless next day. My question is: What gives? I'm usually super-happy next day after getting physical affection from a woman who liked me. Of course, in absolutely all the situations before 2012, I didn't really worry about my attraction; I just went along with the first willing taker. Come to think of it, this year is pretty much the first time in my life when women I find attractive are finding me attractive as well. There was one time in 2005 when a very cute girl I met online showed interest in me, and I experienced the same symptoms after dates with her. Anyway, post your thoughts on all this.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 01 Oct 2012, 8:22 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Maybe you're just really, incredibly tired. How are you feeling now?

If I have too much intercourse I can be shattered for days afterwards

'Rooted'

You did stay out till 3am, I think I'd feel the same!

Staying out until 3:00 AM wasn't really it. I've stayed out that late before, on days when I didn't meet anyone, any next day's symptoms were different: I didn't feel the depression-like listlessness, I didn't get emotional at movies, and I still felt the anxiety I usually feel. All that was the same is the slowed reaction time. The feelings and symptoms I described in the first post only happen the next morning after I met a new woman and got physically affectionate with her (that is, non-sexually, like cuddling, etc). That's why I think it's an emotional hangover and not just garden-variety tiredness that happens next day after staying out really late.

Maybe it's just my brain having difficulty coping with much-higher-than-normal doses of oxytocin (a bonding hormone), which gets produced when I get physically affectionate with those women. In my day-to-day life, I almost never get attention from women, except handshakes at job interviews, lol. So on those nights and on my cruise, I was doing a lot of oxytocin-inducing activities like hugging, cuddling, and holding hands. This is way more than my brain is used to; hence, the emotional hangovers. How true do you think that could be?

Heck, I'm not sure at all.

I guess unused areas of your brain are lighting up.... it doesnt sound as if your missing them or fixating or anything

Maybe the microvita and germs from these womens mouths? Swapping spit can place a load on your immune system....

Personally I reckon its just your mind becoming whimsical after the affection

I think it's plausible. Oxytocine is praised as the happy bonding hormone that can cure depression, but it has a dark side. In combination with low levels of dopamine, it can lead to dysphoria, sadness and emotional instability. It even has a name because it is sometimes seen in breastfeeding mothers: D-MER (dysphoric milk ejection reflex).

I think it's quite normal for a man. Every man craves for meeting and getting involved with women. If you get it, your anxiety level would naturally drop, this is your reward, that's all. It does not exclude that it has something to do with oxytocin.

What I thought first reading the topic's title was some kind of emotional "overhang" after splitting up with someone you really loved. It can be a pretty hard experience, much harder than for the average man, in my opinion.

I think I've felt the same way....it's sort of a dissatisfied feeling. Whatever I did last night was really great and made me feel fabulous and confident and connected, but now I'm back to my regularly scheduled programming. Kind of a letdown.

I think you might be right. My stressful job pretty much destroyed my dopamine levels. I haven't felt "happy beyond words" since my cruise five months ago, where my dopamine levels must have been through the roof. When I danced with girls, posed for pictures with them in a cuddle, or got very touchy-feely with a woman I met onboard, I didn't feel any emotional hangovers next day; well, at least not until after debarkation, when my mood came crashing down. But now, I get the emotional hangovers like I described. However, the oxytocin spike must have been high enough to temporarily eliminate all traces of anxiety, so that when I complained about the watery smoothie, I talked like a hardcore NT.

Come to think of it, I was watching a nature documentary about whales, tonight while having dinner. And I thought to myself: "millions of years passed, and nothing changed". They showed two gray whales rubbing against each other as part of courtship, much like me and that woman were giving each other shoulder rubs. They looked like they were having a fun time doing that, while swimming around in the cold waters of Alaska, with pine-covered mountain slopes extending to the shoreline; I had a wooden dance floor, subwoofers, flashing lights, and friendly waitresses. I couldn't help but wonder: "I bet that male is going to be feeling pretty emotionally hung over next day".

I'm finding the direction of conversation on this thread interesting. I thought it was rather chemical.

A chemical model of explanation always has a parallel explanation using a spiritual model.

Your minister may say: your heart energy reached out from your energy field, into another's aura, before returning with her residual energies attached to your own. The fatigue you experienced is an energy immune response, as you fortify your well-being in preparation to spawn.....

Both are valid and scientific, though chemical models [of explanation]are the new orthodoxy and spiritualism has been relegated to comic relief by media and society

as science and technology
are the new mythology
we now enter an even newer time
and an even newer orthodoxy
just around the corner
of time

I can feel odd after a lengthy and intense discussion on any deep subject that is important to me, such as something spiritual or philosophical. I don't get such conversation often. The next day, I might feel too exposed and vulnerable. I'm uneasy and down. i've learned that I'll feel this way, so I have to choose from accepting it and having the conversation anyway, avoiding the conversation, or reigning in the conversation to minimize the effect. It's tough.