Had an interesting talk with my dad...

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...on the PHONE, of all things! Well, actually, this is a conversation that would have been much more awkward for me in person, so I guess the phone was a plus.

Anyway, a tiny bit of background: I didn't meet my dad until I was 12; he didn't stay around long after I was born, as I was the result of a one-night stand. Once I met him, our relationship was rocky, because he was an alcoholic. He eventually had one too many DWIs and went to prison. Once he got out, though, he got clean, and it turns out he's a decent guy. We get along, although we only see each other once every few months, if that.

So, yesterday I called insurance to see if my claim went through for my AS assessment, and they said a check was already sent to the 'subscriber,' which would be my dad. I realized immediately if I called him about the check, that it would start a conversation as to what the sessions were for, and as I haven't really told anyone except for my boyfriend, I was unsure how to go about it. After spending 15 minutes getting up the nerve to call him, I end up getting his voicemail. He calls me back about 30 minutes later, and as I expected, he asks what is going on. So, I tell him.

The interesting and completely unexpected part is...as I was explaining Asperger's and how it effects me, he started finishing my sentences! I'd be trying to find the right word to describe a certain trait or feeling, and he'd say it for me. It turns out he related to nearly every single trait I was explaining to him. In fact, I told him that it took a while for me to prepare to call him (as it does with any person I call), and he said he's the same way, and that he had actually had my reimbursement check for like, two weeks, but HE didn't know how to bring it up, so he never called me.

I'm not sure if this makes sense, but I almost feel, happy, or even very mildly excited. I've never connected with anyone, except for my boyfriend, but after the conversation yesterday, I feel like I'm meeting my dad for the first time. He was talking about being in high school and not socializing with people because he didn't know how to start a conversation with them, so people thought he was stuck up. I had the same experience when I started my job 9 years ago...I found out that my co-workers all thought I didn't like them. He doesn't answer the phone when people call and he isn't 'prepared' to answer, same as me. It just went back and forth like that; exhaustion from small talk, struggling to listen when not interested in something, not knowing how to comfort someone when they are sad. Also, he has the same special interest! Movies! I always knew he liked movies, as that's the only thing we ever really talked about, but I thought that he was mostly humoring me, as parents do. Turns out, that's really the only thing he likes to talk about, too. Oh, and he said he has to remind himself to maintain eye contact.

Looks like my dad is an aspie, too! Or, is at least BAP. I guess I've never spent enough time with him to notice. The only thing I knew was that he wasn't 'good' with emotions, but a lot of men and fathers seem to be like that.

Guess this is a strong argument for a genetic aspect, particularly because I wasn't raised by my father, and haven't spent a great deal of time with him since we met when I was 12.

How many of you have a parent or close family member on the spectrum?

That's really cool.

I don't know if anyone in my family is on the spectrum--I'm undiagnosed, myself, but I suspect I have AS or am at the very least BAP--but I have a nephew who shares a number of personality traits with me. He has really intense interests that ha can go on and on about, he has meltdowns, he sometimes seems to have a hard time expressing himself verbally, he has poor motor coordination. And I didn't realize until fairly recently that he never looks at you when he's talking. One of my sisters commented that he's sometimes like a miniature version of me.

I actually had the same conversation just a few days ago! I hadn't told either of my parents that i was an aspie, but my hand was forced last week to tell my dad. I sent him a long email explaining it all because there was no way i could cover that stuff in conversation without losing it.

Anyway, the next day he calls me and starts telling me about all of the difficulties he had. There were some i have which he didn't, but he is still very much on the spectrum. He also mentioned my childhood and how i was a "control freak" from a very young age. :p

The genetic link is very interesting, especially when these traits can't be explained habitually (ie the biological parent wasn't there, confirming it). It's unfortunate that other people you know have suffered in some way, but having someone you can relate to is a great relief.

I'm impressed that it only took you 15 minutes to get up the nerve to call him ... !
I'm glad you are feeling good after the call.
My dad has some very mild traits but would never be diagnosable. My mum and brother are nowhere near the spectrum ...

It's great you could connect with your dad like that
All my cousins are diagnosed with autism, and it's likely my uncle and grandfather had/has ASD too. It seems to be genetic in our family.

Strangely enough I was adopted by BAP's my Dad is possibly Aspie. They're very reluctant to research it after my diagnosis.... and our conversations are starting to get interesting too!

Thanks for sharing your story. It's cool that you are able to have a relationship with your father and even cooler that you now have a foundation you share.

That's cool you have something common with your father. Both my parents have thought my grandmother (dad's mother) has it and she also has anxiety like I do but I think she is more effected by it than I am just by the stories I have heard about her. I also think I may have relatives who are undiagnosed but hard to say if they have it or not since I don't know their childhood and other symptoms. Plus my great uncle passed away in 2000 and I wonder if he had it.

I have to agree that is very cool for you. I am sure my dad has some Asp issues but I tend to avoid family stuff, see them a few times a year even though my parents, my brother and sister all live within a 4 miles radius !

Stu

I'm envious of all you people who have connections with your father. I knew mine for years but never spoke to him. He was a drunken violent d-bag who sent me to school with bleeding belt marks on my face. Well, now that that's out of the way, I wish you good luck with reconnecting with your (possibly aspie) father.

Wow, that's great that you feel more connected to your Dad now. What a lucky coincidence that you share the same special interest too.

My Mum and I have suspicions about my Dad. Since I self-diagnosed by Mum has read a lot about AS to help me and she realised she was reading about her husband as much as her daughter. It would certainly explain a few things!

That's really great!

As far as any of my family members being on the spectrum...well, I have suspicions about my mother, and her father.

I'm happy for you that you found someone else you can connect with!

Both of my parents are fairly NT, but they're both introverts and have some anxiety issues.

I wish I coud relate to my dad better, but he's a Narcissistic jackass. I do have a feeling that my Asperger's came from my dad's side of the family, because no one on my mom's side has even a trace of containing a family member with a spectrum or mental disorder.

I'm happy for you.

My father is likely an Aspie, and it was discussion of him that got me questioning myself. But I don't know when or how or even if I'll ever discuss it with him. He's more and more of a conspiracy theorist, his side of the family's Jewish (so that he may think of certain things in terms of the Holocaust), and he's alone in another state, far away from the rest of the family, with too much time on his hands. He's getting increasingly paranoid, and I think he wouldn't want me to be confirmed as unusual in yet another way (after being gay and butch, having scoliosis and fibromyalgia, and not having worked for many years because of the fibromyalgia). He'd really like for me to be "normal" in this regard, I think. I'm guessing that, to him, anything else might be viewed as yet another excuse for the powers that be to want to dispose of me - or worse.

On the other hand, I was very interested to hear my aunt on my mother's side tell me she's talked with one of my cousins about Aspie traits on that side of the family. Now, that makes a lot of things make sense, too, not just what I know about my father and his side. My grandfather may have been a misdiagnosed Aspie. I already knew of sensory issues on that side, but I don't recall having thought back beyond my mother or having realized how much might be there. It's even possible my grandparents both had traits of different sorts, and that may be what drew them to each other. I think, even if my girlfriend explains herself in another way, with different causes for things, her characteristics and mine may have drawn us together in a similar way. Hmmm. History kind of repeating?

Once again, I miss my mother. I'm getting a second shot at a proper assessment (check my blog for details), and she could really have helped. Also, I'd love to be able to talk to her about all this stuff. *sigh*