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balletnerd
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17 May 2012, 5:43 pm

Hi,

still seeking official diagnosis but an ex boyfriend let me in one something which he hadn;t told me before when we were going out. Apparently his sister who has 10 years experience working with people on autism spectrum (albeit lower-functioning autistic teenagers) said something to him about me and how she though i might have aspergers. i know its still not a diagnosis officially but kind of Ive taken it to be almost that.

i cried for nearly an hour solid after that - went into one of my things where i couldnt speak or allow people to touch me for hug etc.

makes me feel pretty certian about it all now and the other part (the diagnosis) being a formality.

however, part of me is sad becuase i care very much about trying hard to be "normal" (maybe i shouldn;t but i do) and i have tried and tried as a special project more or less since when i was 15. (i am in my 30s now). i've read so many pyshocology books, etiquette books and any material to do with how to deal with social situations and reading people and being appropriate.

i try so hard but still i get embarasing tantrums about things which are quite trivial to most people and even though i really dont want to i often offend or upset when i dont mean to - its like my head just processes information according to logicand rational rpinciples first but bypassses anything peopley so i might say true and honest things but controversail becuase it affects people emotionally and i havent been able to take that into account. its hard - i try to guess what things they might feel like hereing about but its not easy at at all and i have to concerntrate hard. group conversations v difficult for me.

feel sad that i am not in a relationship anymore and worried that i wont be accepted by men becuase i am not stereotypically feminine and most people think im weird.

im sorry if the post offends some people as i know that there are a lot of autistics/aspergians who appreciate themselves just the way they are. i just think my life would be so much easier being NT. need to try and think about what positives there might be about being on the spectrum (most probably).



cyberscan
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17 May 2012, 8:11 pm

Wanting to be NT doesn't mean that you hate or dislike who your are. It means that you want things to go easier. I understand that. I love all the abilities that comes with my autistic mind, but sometimes, I desperately want to be NT. An autistic mind can write a book. A NT mind can get others to read it. Being NT means that one can have to social connections that are needed to make their endeavors work. I would love to give up being autistic and be NT for about three to six months, so I could understand them. Even though I can sometime emulate their actions and understand their characteristics, I still don't understand their thought patterns.


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AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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17 May 2012, 8:17 pm

I can see how it would be a big deal being told by an ex-boyfriend after the fact. I mean, he should have told you during the relationship. He missed a significant opportunity to continue engaging in a real and genuine way.



soutthpaw
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17 May 2012, 8:18 pm

The challenge there is that it will totally have to change our very core of our being. I would love to be NT, but it would probably alter my entire existence and perspective of myself and my world as it would be a rewiring of the brain. all we can do is adapt as there is not a cure for AS. Also, Adapting is very tiring effort for most often with limited results...


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PastFixations
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17 May 2012, 8:39 pm

I'd do a lot just so I could be NT... May turn out better than my life, may turn out pants.


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AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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17 May 2012, 8:40 pm

I tell myself engagement, not conformity. And that might be as much a slogan or saying as anything else, but I think it's a pretty good one.

I've been disappointed by people many times. Perhaps the biggest was when I engaged in peace activism during the first Gulf War in 1990-91. We were questioning people, we were people not afraid of being different, people who liked ideas. We were even taking risks together, being put on an FBI list or being attacked by counter protestors while the police do nothing, whether likely or not, these risks were present. Up to that time I had been studying philosophy and theories of ethics such as utilitarianism and Kantianism which have more overlap than commonly viewed, and both lead to a humanitarian approach of trying to make the world a better place, as opposed to various forms of authoritarianism.

Well, I ended up kind of a preacher. I thought I was smarter than the average activist and had more to contribute. Well, in the areas I'm smart in, I probably am. But those are not the only areas. I had considerable success making a table that had peace books, books against domestic violence, a few of the better philosophy books, and photocopied newspaper articles. I did poorly in one-on-one conversations and bending a person's ear on my big topics. So, such a series of petty freeze-ups in which the person is not really interested in what I have to say and just wants to get away from me, I missed the occasions someone was interested in me and all I had to do was be open to that. I tried too hard. I came on too strong. For as I later realized, it's not just about being right. It's about helping to build and contribute to a team and be a coach.



MakaylaTheAspie
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17 May 2012, 8:55 pm

I live the way I want to, and not worry about blending in. Because in the end, everyone stands out, NT or not.


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Gazelle
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17 May 2012, 8:56 pm

Gaining more confidence is helpful in many situations, but still I feel that there are things I just can not simply change. For example, sometimes try as I may I am not always street smart and once in a while I feel I may lack common sense in some areas. That can be very frustrating. :roll:


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SyphonFilter
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17 May 2012, 8:57 pm

Sometimes I think being NT would make my life easier. In the end, it comes down to adapting to the world around you.



glider18
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17 May 2012, 9:28 pm

I am satisfied to remain an Aspie as I have no desire to be an NT. I enjoy living my life with my family and my interests. Asperger's has given me gifts that I use and enjoy.


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btbnnyr
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17 May 2012, 9:54 pm

No, never.



chessimprov
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18 May 2012, 12:55 am

Maybe just "NT" enough survive if necessary, but otherwise aspie at heart.



bnky
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18 May 2012, 2:46 am

Yes, being NT has appeal to me in that it might help make some things easier. However, it's not going to happen... so I'm not about to become a different person ;-)



vanhalenkurtz
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18 May 2012, 3:08 am

I'd choose to be a red cardinal if I could. Flying looks fun. But.

If you were NT tomorrow, would you know who you were?


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bnky
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18 May 2012, 3:31 am

vanhalenkurtz wrote:
If you were NT tomorrow,

interesting. Presumably, if you were suddenly rewired NT, it'd just mean you could START learning to act like other NTs. So you'd still have a long way to go before people even saw a difference. Even speech patterns, muscle memory, executive function etc would presumably need to be relearned.
... feel almost relieved it won't be happening?;-P



NeueZiel
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18 May 2012, 3:32 am

If I were an NT I would probably be upset over something boring and it wouldn't necessarily fix my life. I would probably live a more unhealthy lifestyle if I was NT to be honest.