My name is Blake Koeller, and I'm in need of some, emotional assistance.
Let me start at the beginning: The technical term for what I am is a ball of confusion because, apparently, I have loads of mental disorders. Doctor's have poked and prodded at my brain for years, and have stuck multiple labels upon my brow; they then sent me on my merry way with a bottles full of pills, hoping that some "Miracle Pills" would make me normal; they didn't. The first pills I was given stunted my growth. The second batch gave me a heart murmur. The third tried to kill me, and nearly succeeded. The fourth made me so emotionally empty inside, that I had to stop taking them because that is no way to live. After that, I have sworn off all forms of medication, even nyquil.
I'm getting ahead of myself again... The first mental disorder I was diagnosed with was, everybody's favorite: ADHD! You know, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder? It's the mental disorder that everybody's being diagnosed with these days, because doctor's don't like looking deep within one's soul to find out what is truly wrong with them; they like money! So they slap a generic label that can be confused with multiple disorders upon your back, and kick you out the door with a batch of pills that just might kill you. The second mental disorder I was diagnosed with was Bipolar, which is one of the biggest thorns in my side. That stupid disorder is always taking my depression, and hiking it to massive levels. Bipolar has been one of my hardest disorders to overcome, but I've made some strides WITHOUT the help of any meds. Then they said I have ODD, which means I like to argue with people.
And then, Finally, I met a psychiatrist who got something right; He diagnosed me with Asperger Syndrome. When my family explained all of the semantics of Asperger Syndrome to me, it made sense. My whole life, I've had difficulty fitting in; I've never been a cog in a machine, just the wrench that screws up the whole system. I've always been beaten upon, physically and emotionally, throughout Elementary and Middle School, and just emotionally in High School. People have always felt that something is "off" about me, so they either avoid me, or lash out against me. I don't blame them; I blame the human instinct to fear what is different. I've never been able to pick up on social cues, so I've never had a girlfriend and have never even been on a date. It's not that I'm un-attractive, it's that the multiple girls that have flirted with me over the years walked away in horror the moment I opened my mouth and showed them how mentally different I am. I've never really had anybody, who's not family, accept my eccentric personality; I've only ever had one friend, and his name is Scott Sandberg. He can be a Narcissist, but I generally enjoy his company. He's not an aspie, but he understands me. However, he recently moved six hours away. We still keep in contact, but I find myself in a dark place of late. It seems everybody that I've had to depend on in my life, has gone far away. My best friend moved to St. George, my sister never seems to have time to hang out with me, and my mother, who I love to death and who has always been there to comfort me, is also riddled with bipolar, so she sometimes feels the need to treat me like her emotional punching bag.
I guess, what I am saying is that I am alone, afraid, riddled with depression and social akwardness, and am in desperate need of somebody to show me, for once in my life, that they can accept my personality.
19 May 2012, 2:19 am
