Help! Need advice, think I have Aspergers?

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Hi there I wanted to ask a questions and was hoping someone here could help me out.

Just to give you an idea on my back round in elementary school I was diagnosed with depression and ADHD, placed on medication and received counseling but refused both after awhile because I didn't think they were helping me. From there I was placed in a program called BEST, a hospital run classroom for kids who were considered mentally unstable and basically treated like a monster. When I was allowed to re-enter public schools I was placed in a Behavioral Intervention program that kept me(us) separated from the rest the school through the entirety of elementary and Jr. High - the only way I escaped it through High School was by moving out of the city to a new district because I was being completely robbed of a real education. Indeed High School was very academically and also socially challenging for me because I had been essentially skipped over by the educational system up until that point. I would also like to note I was never diagnosed with any form of autism through any of those years up to the present day.

However I was not placed in these programs because I was a violent child - even though I did commit acts of violence - that all the other kids had to be protected from as was believed. I have always been non confrontational except in cases of self defense, which occurred often because I was singled out quite a lot by peers and so was my brother who I would always fight for; it was because I had always preferred to be alone and ignored people in general, seldom talked and could never concentrate on anything for very long which is what made me susceptible to bullying and therefore appear as though I was violent when I was forced to defend myself and my sibling over and over again. Even though in most cases I would do nothing.

Because of this I cant remember hardly anything about my childhood and it surprises my siblings and parents when they clearly remember events and times in my life that I have no or very little recollection of; I think I was so traumatized that I effectively erased years of my life from memory so that I could avoid it and I feel like I've lost a big part of my identity not being able to remember the earlier half of my life.

Now I'm 22 and the effects of whatever is wrong with me is really starting to make life hard to live, to the point where I don't really think it's worth living anymore. Recently I picked up a book titled Thinking in Pictures: My Life With Autism by Temple Grandin in an effort to find out if I really had this disease or if it was just my imagination trying to make up for faults in my personality. The more that I read it the more I am convinced that I do. My mom also came by one day, saw the book and started a conversation in which she admitted that she had always thought I was autistic or at least showed signs that I was, and that she thinks I need to see someone about being officially diagnosed with autism.

Now finally to my question; would officially being diagnosed with Aspergers help me in any way? Right now I feel like it would be too little, too late. I don't have medical insurance to pay for any counseling or treatments that might help so there'd really be no point in my opinion. Plus I'm deathly afraid of being stigmatized by family and what few friends I've managed to hang on to if word got around.

I guess I'd just like someone to prove me wrong. Thanks for reading.

Last edited by Descendant on 05 Jun 2012, 2:29 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Wow. You have a lot on your plate. Courageous to write. Sounds like you have a need to know . . . something. Does "knowing" precede "changing"? (Sounds like you want "something" to change.) I don't know. I'd be a fool to say I know. But my heart goes out.

Thank you Van, this is the first time I've ever shared this information publicly and it's a bit nerve racking so it's nice to read that. I want things to change and I've struggled for a long time trying to make it happen - without ever knowing what it was that I was struggling against - seeming to make progress only to relapse and end up where I started or worse. Maybe knowing that it's something I can't help will in turn help me come to terms with myself? I don't exactly know either.

It might help you personally, but needs to be handled with care as far as jobs go since it could scare off a potential employer if you reveal it.

I think it might be worth seeking a diagnosis, although I understand if you feel a bit wary of professionals after your terrible school experience. If you had an Aspergers diagnosis you might be able to get support, but even if that wasn't the case you would at least know who you are and why you feel the way you do. I think that is a valuable thing in itself. I'm seeking a diagnosis, just because it feels important for me to have a full understanding of myself and my life.

If you were to be diagnosed with Asperger's, would that put your mind at rest? Because, if you want to know who you really are, then I think a diagnosis is the way to go. Equally, if the stigma around autism is strong in your family, this might be the last thing you need for them to be helping you improve in life.
Once there's a label, they might say to themselves "they're autistic, there's no point explaining why [X] was rude". I know I had this problem with extended family for around a year until they finally realised I'm the same person I was before I was diagnosed, and they'd known me for 10 years anyway.
Really, you have to establish what a diagnosis will do for you-if it's not a lot, then the negatives caused by stereotyping and jobs in the future might just put learning to live with yourself without a label on top.

Yes, the main reason I want a diagnosis (whither it be positive or negative) is because I believe it would give me some peace of mind as to who I am, instead of just wondering all the time. And in a way I feel like I would be correcting a mistake that was made by every "professional" that couldn't put 2 and 2 together if I were to be diagnosed. Thanks for the insight guys/gals. I'm still trying to decide on what to do but this has at least helped some.

My heart goes out to you as well. I think that it may help you to not think of asperger's as a "disease" as you have put in your post. In my way of thinking, an aspie is just wired differently than the majority of the population but different can be a good thing. I do think it might help you to understand better what it means to be an aspie and also how all aspies differ.