Thinking on your feet in a crisis

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I suck at it.

My mum and Dad just had a blazing row about her taking too long to get a bag of chips from the fish shop so he didnt have time to eat before going out with his friends tonight. I stayed in another room till it was over as I hate confrontation but after it was over and he left I went in to try and console my mum. She was talking about how he only ever thinks of himself and is really insensitive etc, it came to my turn to talk and I knew I had to say something supportive to her and appear like I was on her side (even though I was kind of on the fence, as she did take the best part of an hour and apparently he told her he was going out at 8.15, but he was a bit disrespectful in how he talked to her) but for the life of me I just could not come up with anything! I busied myself putting ketchup and salt on my dinner while I was trying for like 20 seconds to think of something, in the end the only thing I could think to say was "yeah he isnt good at seeing his own faults is he", which she seemed to accept but it felt like poor answer to me.

Im usually not that bad during conversation, but when theres tension or when I have to appear to support someone else in this sort of situation I really struggle, I always used to think that its best to stay impartial, but from things Ive read on here since Ive been a member, it seems the general consensus is that people want to hear you agree with them more than anything after they have an arguement with someone. Thinking back its probably why my last relationship failed, when she used to complain about her boss etc I used to always say something like "oh well, maybe he was having a bad day" etc. I know now that she was just looking for someone to agree with her, but anyway, Im digressing.

I wish I was better at thinking of supportive comments, as everyone likes a guy whos good in a crisis and is a shoulder to lean on in times of need etc.

Anyone got any tips?

Last edited by roccoslife on 01 Jun 2012, 2:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'd honestly be there same. I can't really comfort upset people in such a way. But I thought that would be going through my head would be "why argue over something as trivial as a bag of chips".

That kind of was what I was thinking to be honest lol, I think he was just mad at the fact he didnt have time to eat dinner before going out drinking though. It was a real stinker of a row though, she was screaming at the very top of her voice at one point. Now shes refusing to answer the phone to him, he just called me and asked me to apologise for him.

I don't know if you can be that much of an intermediary for your parents.

Maybe a general statement something of the sort: 'Dad, you know I love both you guys, even when you're not perfect, maybe especially when you're not perfect. Now, all the same, you know I can't get in the middle between you and Mom, right?'

Or whatever feels right. But somehow you gently step to the side, remind your Mom of her better traits and your Dad of his better traits, and hopefully this will motivate each to take the high road. And maybe briefly being there as you continue with your own life and activities. Just being present and being real, and also being positive. And perhaps like in art, less is more.

It depends on the crisis, I think. I have a hard time dealing with confrontation--I kind of freak out. On the other hand, if it's a medical emergency or something, I'm actually able to function quite well.

Yes, a medical crisis relatively straightforward compared to this.

roccoslife, how about asking your parents why they bicker so much? If they both know their evening plans and yet manage to sabotage them for whatever reason, they're not acting like adults at all but rather angry, unhappy children.

You being in the middle of their squalling is unfortunate. But as an adult, you need to make it clear to them that you're not their go-between, Father Confessor, co-conspirator, etc. GL!

As to your ex-GF, lol. If Aspies must learn to empathize with others, you need to start with a new GF.

Why couldn't he have got his own chips?

I'd wonder why my Dad could have made himself something to eat if she was taking so long, and if she didn't have a legitimate reason, I'd probably tell my Mum she knew he had plans so if she was going to take that long she should have told him to make his own dinner. Both are adults, both are at fault. I'm sorry you feel helpless like that, but I'm really not good at this aspect in life, either. I'm good at thinking logic, not emotions. Sucks, eh?

I would have told him, "Since you are in such a hurry to go get drunk, make your own dinner, or eat out, or just go drink it!" But then I don't approve of getting drunk. For that matter I don't drink, either.

Well when I think of the word crisis I don't picture trying to be supportive to someone after they had an argument about a bag of chips with someone...I kind of more picture more dangerous situations that could result in death. In which case I imagine I would act then and then think and be effected later I already have PTSD so something like that would be likely to put me in survival/adrenaline rush mode. Or it would put me in 'get the hell out of here' mode.

But to address more of the topic at hand, I am usually at a loss of what to say to be supportive to people. Especially if the situation confuses me.

Same. Medical crisis? I know exactly what I need to do and I can do it. I am usually the calmest person involved. When my nieces attempted suicide (two different occasions) I am the one who called 911 and gave all the information and my mother was in hysterics. Strangely, her recollection was that she had to tell me to call 911, but no one was even acknowledging me until I asked for the bottle my niece emptied (on one of those occasions).

Comforting someone? It is so hard to assemble supportive statements and express them. I'm often left with nothing at all to say, or I fall back on a few scripted responses, and often I get stuck reviewing my options and trying to decide which one would be the best. When my mother found out my stepfather had cancer, I remember having to review whether she would likely be upset (she was crying at the time) and then reviewing what I should do (I decided to give her a hug). I didn't have an emotional reaction I could identify to the news.

confrontation: I'm a useless mess. I will hide, cry, and generally freak out.

a medical emergency: I'm level-headed and will do a mental step-by-step of what should be done in what order and leave emotions out of it.

I think you did great.

You're the kid, not the marriage counselor. You weren't the reverend marrying them, either. Who are these problems?