Finding my people?

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Hi all, I’m Poet, and all of this is new to me.
I'm hoping this the right forum for this thread, as a general post... This relates to my going through a pretty awakening journey right now. I just turned 20 at the beginning of this month, and only now am I beginning to understand some the many answers to a big question: “What is autism?”

Growing up, I only knew three examples of children with developmental disabilities. All were severely impaired, and needed help from a “para” to function in the classroom. This led me to my first major assumption that all autistic people looked a certain similar way (I think all three had degrees of fragile x syndrome) and that they needed A LOT of extra support to do anything normal. Being misinformed, I eventually came to my own odd conclusion that autism and Down's Syndrome were one and the same, and was largely ignorant about what any of it actually meant.

When I was a little older, I remember seeing an episode of Arthur in which a new character with AS was written into the show. After observing the script and interaction, I felt a deep understanding for what his struggles were portrayed as, and felt an intuitive alarm bell sounding.

I still hadn’t connected Asperger's to autism yet, but a similar phenomena happened when I started watching the Imitation Game this past year. I knew what was going on immediately, recognizing Alan Turing’s behaviors and interactions, and had a deep empathy for his character.

More recently, I saw a short video on Facebook, of two autistic people meeting each other for the first time. There was a boy standing in a park holding flowers, and a girl who left a person she was with to meet him. “So you have Autism too?” he asked, and she nodded. “Would you like to go sit down?” he asked her, and they walked down the steps together. But both of them “looked normal” to me, and it changed everything. Their interaction brought me to tears, I realized in that moment that autism was nothing like I ever thought it was.

From there, as I often do, I researched. Intensively, obsessively. It was then that I really began to identify with what was coming up. My own life history (full of chaos, meltdowns, and tossed-around diagnoses) seemed to make so much more sense, explanations for ways I have felt that I never thought were really possible.

So, I began to write them down, I needed to, to prove to myself I wasn’t being crazy or overzealously self-diagnosing. I want to share what I came up with to others who can potentially understand very deeply, as I’m hoping in some ways for affirmation during this uncertain time in my life...

So I'm including this long-@$$ list I made. Maybe others will relate - a notion that I have felt to be few and far between over most of my life. So if you have an extra time, I'd love anyone's feedback, comments, support, or insight

tl;dr - I'm new to all of this, and I'm hoping that I've found the right place and people to talk to and grow with. I am really self-doubting, so I've included reasons why I think I should be here, and they follow:

COMMUNICATION

Social anxiety
[] Takes a lot of energy to be around lots of people, even if I don’t play an active role interacting or in conversation.
[] Social events, or any places where there are lots of people crowding, can be very stressful - the more people, the more overwhelming.
[] Actively try to avoid communicating with others, or avoid opportunities to spend time around most people.
[] Prefer to have ample time alone.
[] More comfortable around younger children or adults than contemporaries.
[] Described as quirky, unique, weird, or awkward by others.
[] Bullied in school, especially by exclusion.
[] Some issues with understanding other people's boundaries (can be extremely obsessive about specific important people).
[] Spent time around imaginary characters I made up, or versions of people I knew.
[] Terrible phobia of phone conversations (decreased over time with necessity).

Difficulties in conversation
[] People have told me that I speak like a “dictionary” or “encyclopedia”.
[] People have insisted to me to that I "talk like myself", "talk normally", "stop talking at me" during conversations, when I had no notion of being wrong.
[] Been accused of using a “pseudo-intellect” during conversations.
[] Rely on scripts I’ve assimilated over time to interact with people, especially in a work setting.
[] Have trouble telling when it’s my turn to talk in a conversation, often interrupt without meaning to as a consequence.
[] Spend most of my time in my own thoughts during a conversation, even when I try to stay present - spend a lot trying effort to effectively analyze what the other person has said, thinking a lot about the things I want to say next or bring up, thinking about concepts unrelated and going “autopilot” until I can talk.
[] Need people to be very precise, I “read between the lines” wrong a lot if people aren’t specific enough about who they’re referring to, or what they mean.
[] Not realizing when people are teasing me, taking things very personally and getting offended.
[] Often taking statements made by others as personal attacks, feeling the need to defend myself to people.

Other language processing
[] Have had long term difficulties when spelling (autocorrect will forever be my champion).
[] Often stumble in speech, sometimes switch first letters of words or stutter.
[] Have an excessively hard time reading aloud. Struggle with right inflection, and voicing different characters in dialogue.
[] Have a hard time repeating conversation information verbatim when trying to talk to others about what was said.
[] Struggled a lot with writing in the correct direction as a child.
[] Have a hard time understanding what people say in songs a lot.
[] Taking a little longer than most people to actually understand the point of a joke (still laugh with people when I see other people all are, sometimes do so inappropriately on accident).
[] I’ll sometimes spend time repeating certain words for the “way they feel in my mouth”, or to give me comforting assurance.
[] Word association patterns, networks, taxonomy and etymology has always been very pleasurable and soothing to me.
[] Have assimilated a large vocabulary (hyperlexic from a young age), but sometimes use words incorrectly, switch similarly sounding words, or use words that don't always match intended meaning.

Relationships with others
[] Struggle with connecting names and faces, sometimes even in people I have known for a long time.
[] Did not understand eyebrows for their role in expression for a long time.
[] Would “test” ways that other people (or animals) felt growing up.
[] Hard time creating or keeping up meaningful friendships with others.
[] Attempted to integrate with social groups, but was never completely accepted.
[] The people who I considered myself closest to were always closer friends with somebody else.
[] Other friendships I saw were always very transient.
[] People rarely keep contact with me, and I don’t I attempt to reach out to others.
[] Don't know how to handle rejections and am very afraid of them, will avoid at extreme costs (e.g. didn’t study for the ACT because I was afraid if my trying yielded a poor score, it would be worse than not trying and scoring poorly - I did fine, but people gawked at my logic).
[] Investing myself completely in one other person in a romantic relationship, who I am infatuated with and would do absolutely anything for.

Expressing myself
[] Feel like I can rarely get my point across, like there are barriers to conveying my own thoughts external of myself. I have a hard time translating feelings into words that match my internal state. I feel, sometimes literally, like a tangled up ball of yarn.
[] I have some issues with all-or-none self control / restraint.
[] If I have something important I want to say, I try to plan it out very specifically. I rehearse or write parts of conversations down. Have to prepare myself before social interactions.
[] Other times, the things I say aloud impulsively that sometimes surprise people, or make them much more upset than I would ever have anticipated.
[] People often don't understand what I am trying to say at all (I don't always realize this, and keep going).
[] I consider writing to communicate things to people much easier, if I want to convey what I actually mean to. I feel like I have a very hard time doing so otherwise, when I am interacting with people in real time.
[] I always feel like I understand much more than I know.
[] Weak self identity and self concept with bad self esteem.
[] Often felt like a social chameleon trying for whoever I was with.
[] Imitated others for what I should try to be like to fit in.
[] Can be unexpectedly bad at handling criticism of my work.
[] Absolutely terrible at impressions (cannot come up with unique material somebody might say).

SENSITIVITY

Emotional
[] People have told me throughout my life that I am a “very sensitive person”.
[] People have often told me that I am “emotionally immature”.
[] Long term and often evident somatic expression of intense emotions.
[] Form strong emotional attachments to objects (eg rugs, wood, rocks, plants).
[] Have had intense emotional breakdowns / collapses for years, that pretty much no one knows how to handle.
[] Lose more control emotionally, temperamental more often around people I am comfortable with.

Physical
[] Consistently physically clumsy: walk into objects, trip, drop things very often.
[] Often run into others, not good at estimating other people's motion or trajectory.
[] People have commented on my having “weird posture”.
[] Disliked most sports from an early age for their physical and teamwork aspects.
[] Mild crossing of senses - colors have emotions/feelings/sensations, certain words or sayings might be represented by objects/notions.
[] Excruciatingly hard time with right as left as directions, switch the two both physically and verbally often.

Other stimulation
[]‘Stim’ behavior in picking at nails, biting at nails and fingers, rubbing fingers together, rubbing tongue against teeth, walking around on my heels, walking in circles, spinning in circles, sitting with my hand tucked in my legs, sitting on my feet, rubbing toes together, clenching specific muscles, rocking back and forth, bouncing, or sitting in unusual positions or places.
[]Fascinated with small details of physical surroundings - shadows, reflections, patterns of movement, running water, fire.
[] Like to spend time observing patterns, manmade or natural (scored 99th percentile on RPM).
[] Love to observe animals and people - without interaction.
[] Loud or sudden noises can be extremely nerve wracking - even physically painful to me - even if I know for a fact they are harmless.
[] Intense eye contact, mostly at close range, can be painful for me. Lessens around people I am more comfortable with.
[] I have had an extreme aversion to coming into contact with certain textures or other forms of touch.
[] See all colors reflected in whites, deal with mild ideas of visual snow.
[] History of hurting myself: cutting self, burning self, banging head, slapping/hitting/scratching self.
[] Have had a pattern of needing to seek retreat to dark, quiet, enclosed, for comfort and calm. Ideally prefer for pressure or tightness around my body.
[] Sometimes I can't accept physical contact from even the people I'm closest to (even family members).
[] Often told that I live in a "fantasy" world, that my way of viewing things isn't the way they actually are.

IMAGINATION

Creative Endeavor
[] Preferred different playthings than most children (tying knots, tape) - and would spend time setting up formations of my toys or organizing rather than more imaginative play.
[]Am very interested in creative things, but I can't go from my imagination like many artists can. I need to reference something somehow.

Social Understanding
[] Made honest comments as a child that sometimes wound me up in trouble.
[] Hard time telling personal boundaries as a young child, trusted all people blindly for a very long time.
[] Could not tell everybody was not the same way as me, or that other people lived any differently, for a long time. Once I learned what Anthropology was in 7th grade, it changed everything.
[] Bad at recognizing danger. Looking at the ways I have not felt afraid in the right situations to be.

REPETITIVE BEHAVIORS

Organization, rules, and standards
[] Everything has always been complex and is comprised of multiple steps or layers.
[] Feel absolutely lost in life and out of control when I do not have a routine.
[] I can get very upset and shaken if there needs to be an unexpected change to what I had decided I was okay with happening.
[] I enjoy patterns in getting ready, commuting, familiar events in the same way is comfortable.
[] Not easy to ever "just do It", except when I'm very interested or vested in learning about something (got over this for some things but with a lot of stress involved).
[] Appreciate for certain numbers as being especially good, some as less so.
[] I find the need to absolutely excel in any goal I decide to set for myself
[] Need "ways of reality" to feel comfortable in day to day life - philosophies.
[] I'm obsessed with arrangements, finding the “right” arrangement of objects.
[] Feel an intense need to get certain tasks accomplished, when I set my mind to it.
[] If I can't fulfill one of my needs, I will think about it obsessively until I can eventually attend to it.

Patterns of interest
[] I find myself to be utterly obsessed with a subject, or completely disinterested in it.
[] I have a pattern of having intense isolated interests at a time.
[] Some of my interests have been “unusual for my age or gender”.
[] Some people have described things I find fascinating as "boring" or "sad".
[] Have always loved to create lists, organizations, study guides.

If you got to the bottom of this, bless you

You have been doing your research well.

I would look into sensory sensitivities. It is a diagnostic criteria for autism now.
Sensory Sensitivities

Welcome! Lately, I've been wondering "disability" is even an appropriate word for "neurodiverse" folks. I think "different" is a more appropriate term. When it takes me twice as long to do my grocery shopping than a "normal" person, I just assume they haven't designed grocery stores correctly.

You'll find lots of supportive people around here who operate on a similar wavelength

Also, watch out for confirmation bias. Reading diagnostic lists can sway perception. I have to be on lookout for "inventing" situations in my brain by looking at my past through a diagnostic lens. You have always been you, and will continue to be you. There's no difference. Maybe just a slightly heightened awareness of your behaviors.

Welcome! I am glad you found us. You will probably feel comfortable here. That's the first thing most of us notice. You will too, I'm sure.

Hi, you do sound pretty much on the spectrum if you are still wondering about that. What someone said about overfocusing on examples that are not actually all that pervasive throughout your life could apply though. Also some of the items (excelling, creating lists, having tasks done) just seem like high Conscientiousness (Big 5 personality trait). Some of the rest sound like stereotypically AS though, yes so that's why I'm saying you do seem to qualify for it.

Do you mind me stealing some parts of your list for my own thread?

Hi again! I want to thank all of you for showing such kindness and understanding. I really do feel welcome here after hearing back from several of you. Still, I can be kind of shy, and I'm unused to writing on these forums - so I guess I'm winding up replying to everybody at once. I'm sorry if it's confusing at all...

-ASPartOfMe, What you said makes complete sense. I think I am only discovering so many of these things now because, for a long time, I really assumed everyone also had to deal with the same challenges. It's really harrowing to realize otherwise.
Like you mentioned might be helpful, I further looked into executive functions - your link proved to be an incredible resource. I ended up connecting further struggles to what I was trying to describe, and even moved around some items from my list to a better fit:

Planning
[] Feel like I’m precariously juggling my responsibilities, sometimes mix up deadlines or miss activities I was supposed to do by mistake. Have tried to combat this at times by being strict to routines.
[] Routines are important to me, but I have an excessively difficult time making and sticking to one on my own - need some form of authority such as a school schedule.
[] Find it hard to repeat complex movements by watching others (have had a hard time with dancing because of this).
[] Hard time changing jobs, even if I’ve been greatly unhappy in my position.

Verbal Reasoning
[]Often need instructions relayed to me more than once. Prefer to have them in written of pictorial form for reference.
[] I can’t keep up well when taking notes sometimes, as I struggle to piece out only the most important pieces of information during a lecture.
[] Have issues with word and memory retrieval, have a hard time repeating conversation information verbatim when trying to talk to others about what was said.

Attention and Working Memory
[] Sometimes hard to remain focused on one thing at a time - other times I am able to hyperfocus for long periods of time on something I deem interesting or important.
[] Poor at multitasking. Prefer to focus on one thing in detail.
[] Wrongly estimate the amount of time it will take me to accomplish as task.
[] Sometimes extremely hard to block out various distractions when I am trying to focus (I can still hear the light I turned on this morning when I started writing... )

Inhibition
[] Things I say aloud impulsively that sometimes surprise people, or make them much more upset than I would ever have anticipated.
[] ‘Stim’ behavior in picking at nails, biting at nails and fingers, rubbing fingers together, rubbing tongue against teeth, walking around on my heels, walking in circles, spinning in circles, sitting with my hand tucked in my legs, sitting on my feet, rubbing toes together, clenching specific muscles, rocking back and forth, bouncing, or sitting in unusual positions or places.

Initiation and Monitoring of Actions
[] Not easy to ever "just do It", except when I'm very interested or vested in learning about something (got over this for some things but with a lot of stress involved).
[] Have a hard time getting started on important projects, such as applying to college or new jobs.
[] Often takes a while to perfect even a simple task to satisfaction.
[] Difficult to perform familiar activities when under pressure or when stressed.

- Raven, For starters, I really love your icon. I think I agree with you! I have been able to accomplish a lot things I needed for most of my life - but there are a lot of marked differences. It's so funny you say that about grocery stores! I have had that thought SO many times.
But you're absolutely right about confirmation bias. I know I'm a pretty susceptible person to being swayed one way or another, which is a big reason why I want to be evaluated by professionals for all of these things.

- Claradoon, Thank you so much for the warm welcome. I really do feel comfortable describing a lot of personal topics on here, simply after reading lots of other threads and seeing how we all talk to one another.

- itsme82, Thank you for your kind confirmation. I think you're right about the conscientiousness - I think I took an abbreviated version of The Big 5 in a psychology class and scored high on it. Also scored high on neuroticism And I have absolutely no problem with you using parts of this list for your own discussion! I created it with the hopes of other people being able to identify with it, too