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I'm 15 and not officially diagnosed with AS but I'm confident I have it. Today I'm discussing my history of social status and questioning you about yours. I know the topic of relationships is often avoided by aspies, but I think it will be beneficial to touch upon. At the moment I'm in a small circle of friends in which I am comfortable to interact with. Everyone else I'm afraid to approach and make interactions with. I find it very difficult to meet new people, and find many social situations uncomfortable. I've only had one girlfriend and we dated for 5 months. Does anyone here know of good ways to build relationships? Is this the same for everyone else here?

I'm still figuring out how to make friendships and good relationships and I'm 20. I experience these same problems all the time, though. I seriously doubt it's the same; lots of us have learned how to deal with social interaction a lot more effectively. I've learned how to interact better, but I haven't actually made friends (as in people I want to BE with and around) by doing it.

As for making friends: the only way I've been able to interact better is to be more "out there," as in, more open to who I am. I let my real self out for people to see. If people do not accept me, then they can move on. If they do, I'll end up conversing with them in class and stuff. Be confident in your "weirdness," if that is how you view yourself. Don't feel like you are constantly going to be judged; just don't care about it. That's my advice. I've been a lot less stressed out because of my doing this now. In high school, though, it tends to be more difficult because of peers... I hope you're able to work it out. Sorry if I did not help me. -.-

I'm nearly 60 and still struggling with building friendships and relationships.

With relationships, my original problem was simply finding a partner. I "solved" that, and got married 3 times, but all my relationships broke down eventually - sometimes they left me, sometimes I left them. Even now after so much evidence to the contrary, I still feel as if my main problem is that I don't attract women strongly enough.

So, deepdown I feel desperate, and have little skill in judging character and compatibility. I just can't seem to let one go, if they seem interested and I have nobody else. I end up with partners who are incompatible with me, and they often have some pretty serious head problems themselves. My relationships also tend to be very intense and I can't resist the temptation for us to live in each other's pockets if the lady seems happy with that. So when things go wrong, if feels as if my whole life is under threat. That's one hell of a sticky wicket to be batting on, especially for an Aspie.

I don't have many friends. Part of the reason is that I let them go so easily. I'm not outgoing or invitational by nature - have to push myself to do that - and I don't like putting myself in danger of a rebuff by making overtures to be with people or telling them I enjoy their company and want more of it. So I come over as not caring, because I'm embarrassed to show it. If a friend was thinking of leaving the city and I thought I'd miss them, I wouldn't tell them that, I'd just think that it was their choice to lose me or not. And a lot of the time I don't know what to do with friends........they often seem unnecessary....I don't like myself for feeling that way about them, and I do value them, but I can't deny that a lot of the time I just don't feel like bothering with them.

I feel sorry for any Aspie whose main problem is still finding a partner. From such a perspective it's almost impossible to avoid that crazy notion that the social problems would be over if there was a partner in the mix. Au contraire, the social problems are only just beginning when there's a partner in the mix.

Actually finding partners was only difficult for me for a few years. Aspies are learning animals and this was something I wanted. It's a matter of increasing the number of potential partners in your life (e.g. getting out and meeting people, or doing online social things), and learning how to relate to them, how to adopt some kind of charisma with them, making sure they know you're interested but not a pushover, acting reasonably confidently and positively, taking an interest in them (which both flatters them and gives you important information on compatibility issues), and just having a go at sharing anything you're both interested in. Most people seem to value those who make them feel better about themselves, who try to empower them. Basically, it's just a matter of trying to be helpful and handing out a bit of genuine caring now and them. Also it's good to try to work out the kind of humour they like - if you can share a laugh or two, you're entering into the coveted sport of flirting.

Personally I don't like or need many of the sexual gambits of the mainstream stud. I'd rather play a game of draughts with a shy lady than eye up a load of drunken chicks at a wild party. I don't go "on the pull." I don't go to night clubs or singles bars. I don't do the resource display thing where the guy buys the chick a couple of alcoholic drinks and gets to lay her. I don't tell lies about my bravery, social prowess, or wealth. I don't contrive to do flirting, I try to let it happen naturally, and find myself being playful with those I feel reasonably safe with.

My failure rate doesn't do wonders for my credibility here in giving advice, but I think my ideas are logical and largely correct......the strategies should work if they're followed......but it's not enough to know how to, there is also a huge struggle with powerful emotions, and those emotions don't always let me follow my own advice.

[quote="ToughDiamond"][/quote]

Everything you have just said, I agree with completely as that's how I am. Lost my best friend that I had from age 11 a few years ago because I just couldn't be bothered to socialise anymore, not just with him. Of course, I had no idea I had AS back then so I honestly didn't know what was going on with myself.

As for relationships, again I'm just the same as you. When I'm in a relationship, I put everything of myself into it in fear of me not meeting anyone else for the rest of my life.

Sounds like we really need to change something then. Must say I've started to think twice when I can't be bothered to feed friendships. I might feel apathetic or reluctant with them today, but in the end, where would I be without them? I also think it's good to keep up those little reassurances and social touches, to give compliments when they're deserved, etc. It often feels like woffle, but it does seem to make the world go round.

As for the desperation, I think the only hope is in allowing oneself to feel desperate but not to act desperate. And its good to learn to enjoy stuff as an individual without reference to soul-mates. I think there's nothing worse than feeling and behaving as if life is nothing without a lifelong companion. Life has an empty edge that way, but it's a lot better than nothing. I think if that can be truly felt, then maybe the mind becomes more self-grounded and less disturbed by the inevitable risk of loss that comes with the turf in relationships.

I had friends when I was growing up. But I can still feel the anxiety of approaching these friends whenever I went to their house or them to mine. The only friend I didn't feel this way with was my best friend---we were more like brothers. Typically I found socializing with these friends to be awkward, unnecessary, and in the way of my interests. I still feel this way, although I am happy my sons have friends. Some people (autistic or not) require friends, and some do not. I am among those who do not. Today, I don't have any friends in the typical sense of friendships. My friends are my family and interests.

I think the problem with me, and I presume other aspies, is that it is not clear to me what a friendship or relationship means. And I think that comes across to the other person. When a relationship gets to a certain point I start to lose track of the value of it and so become confused and think the best thing is to be away from that person, even if I don't want to.

The only friends I manage to keep for long are those that are willing to stick around.

I am never entirely sure whether someone is my friend or not, even if they call me their friend. I do use the word friend quite a lot to represent people that I know better than an acquaintance and like to communicate with ... but I still don't really know if they're friends.

Anyway for me the best way to build relationships is remotely - email, instant messaging, texting, etc. That doesn't mean finding random folk on the internet - I approach people I know in real life that I would like to get to know better by sending them an email or IM. If they respond then I build on that.

Often when I think the "relationship" is going to start being face to face I really back off because that feels overwhelming, and the same happens if I think I'm bothering them too much with my emails/IMs/texts even if they try to reassure me that they like and accept the contact (I am very worried about overstepping some invisible boundary and not realising). Most of the people I use the word "friend" to describe are people that accept my preference for written communication and don't try to make me talk - so they'll let me text or IM them even when we're in the same room, and won't be offended if I go out with them but don't talk.

BTW, I first had success with this remote relationship building with my husband 18 years ago We've been married for 10 years and still often communicate by email, IM or text because even though I love him, he is my best friend and I want to share things with him ... I still struggle with speaking face to face apart from talking about the practicalities of the day.

I'm thankful of everyone's input. I finally feel like I'm not alone when I think about things like these. It's good to know that there are people who are trying to cope with the same things I am. Our problem is that we are over thinking how to make relationships. Social situations aren't our natural environment. For most people this kind of stuff is just second nature.

I am 31 and I find it difficult to build friendships and relationships. I have had two short-term relationships but have never had a close friend or best friend. Very few friends my entire life.
I sometimes wonder who my friends are and most of the people I do know or who I socialise with are acquaintances. I like one on one contact and very small groups of people. Large groups of people ie parties make me anxious and I get overwhelmed easily.
I find it is good to be around people it's the interaction part which is more difficult and have trouble in conversations and struggle with non-verbal communication. I have much difficulty reading body language and facial expressions.
I am not a social person by any means but having said that my advice is to make conversation not matter how little it is and just put yourself out there and smile and greet people. Saying "Hello" to people is a start I do know how hard it is though so hope this is good advice.