Good or bad idea to be overprotective of Aspies???

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LittleSwallow
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23 Jun 2012, 6:16 am

or Autistic people??

Do you find that family or friends or other people like teachers and what not, treat you like a child and organise issues in your life without at least showing you how to do it? Also when you show interest in something life-changing, like finally wanting to drive, that you can't do it, because either no one is encouraging you or helping you in anyway possible, because they think you are going to fail at it anyway?

Do you find it hard than to be more independant?



questor
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23 Jun 2012, 6:48 am

Yes, this happened to me a good bit when I was younger, but doesn't happen nearly as much now. I am in my early 50s now, live alone, and by now my family knows I tend to go my own way on things, but they do still try to influence me on stuff occasionally. :roll:


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23 Jun 2012, 12:13 pm

Over protective is a bad idea because they how are we going to learn from our mistakes and learn to live a normal life or learn to deal with things and how to cope and adapt?

I had to deal with all this in school and I hated it. Then finally my mother stepped in and said I was nearly an adult and I am going to have to make mistakes, learn from them or how else would I learn? I had to fight to take driver's ed and do driving after school, and fight to take drama. Then finally I said about drama "Then let me find out for myself I can't do it and see how wrong I was and right you were" and they shut up. It took me days to come up with that to say it. it was like reverse psychology. Plus they were telling me I can't work fast food or it be too chaotic, too demanding and I would have to work fast and deal with people.

They were trying to set limitations for me. Now just imagine if my own parents were the same way? 8O


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btbnnyr
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23 Jun 2012, 12:26 pm

Bad idear to be overprotective, I think.

Good idear to teach autistic children how to do things, and don't assume that they can't do this or that, just because they are autistic.



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23 Jun 2012, 1:12 pm

Yeah I have ran into that sort of thing...It's like people think I don't try hard enough and then if I do actually come up with an idea and jump on it then it seems people don't take me seriously at all and just assume I'll give up without trying or something. So I don't end up getting a lot of encouragement. Like I kind of have issues with motivation and using a phone makes me very anxious so it's hard for me to schedule appointments and check on job applications and such over the phone and kind of in general considering my face to face social skills kinda suck. I mean to me that is difficult but if I set my mind to it I can do it, it just kind of has to be at my pace...but then my mom is likely to turn it into 'well you can't do it yourself so I took the liberty of doing all this for you.' but its kind of grudginly like 'i'll help' but you should have been able to already have done it yourself.' Seems like kind of a double standard.


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23 Jun 2012, 6:52 pm

This happens to me often. So now, I rarely tell my mother about plans I have and things I want to do. I'll tell her some idea I have and she'll just shoot it down, and she'll say it very loudly in a way that makes it so I can't talk - her voice can be loud and irritating under normal circumstances, and under those it's really bad. So I just don't run ideas by her anymore.



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23 Jun 2012, 7:12 pm

I broke away from that by standing up for myself and refusing to accept it.

That was very difficult and took time.


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ADoyle90815
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24 Jun 2012, 1:27 am

It hasn't happened to me that much, but I knew someone growing up who was also on the autistic spectrum that I'll call "Will" whose parents were extremely overprotective and controlling. This person would probably never get married because his mom would be one of those monster-in-laws starting with a detailed background check. I was surprised that she let this person move into an apartment with a roommate as part of some housing program for disabled adults. The mom also decided that "Will" wasn't capable of driving, so she stopped him from finishing the driving lessons and taking the actual road test. While it's possible that she was right in that he couldn't have driven safely, I also think it was a way to prevent Will from gaining more independence. I do think that if his mom wasn't so overprotective, that person I called Will would be more independent than he is today.



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24 Jun 2012, 4:07 am

imho: overprotection is never good for anyone involved.

. . . but neither am I a fan of the sink or swim method that was the default for my generation.


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24 Jun 2012, 2:26 pm

Its a terrible idea to over protect as you will end up not learning anything in the long term.



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24 Jun 2012, 4:01 pm

Very frustrating, yes. Sometimes people assume I am incompetent, do things for me, and then get confused because I can't do them. Well, duh; you're jumping in and doing them for me before I have a chance to figure them out for myself!

But I have the opposite problem more often: People assume that I'm high-functioning and can't have any of the problems they associated with low-functioning. As a result they end up getting confused, disappointed, or angry when I mess up at something that I suck at doing, because apparently I'm not supposed to suck at it.

I wish they'd just listen to me when I say I need help with one thing and not the other. I'm the one living in my head; I ought to know.


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24 Jun 2012, 4:10 pm

Callista wrote:
Very frustrating, yes. Sometimes people assume I am incompetent, do things for me, and then get confused because I can't do them. Well, duh; you're jumping in and doing them for me before I have a chance to figure them out for myself!

But I have the opposite problem more often: People assume that I'm high-functioning and can't have any of the problems they associated with low-functioning. As a result they end up getting confused, disappointed, or angry when I mess up at something that I suck at doing, because apparently I'm not supposed to suck at it.

I wish they'd just listen to me when I say I need help with one thing and not the other. I'm the one living in my head; I ought to know.



In my junior year of high school towards the end of the year, people there went from under estimating me to over estimating me. There is no in between for these people.


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25 Jun 2012, 12:40 am

I think it's due to my level of functioning, but my parent's are relaxed and let me do what makes me happy. They only get protective when we're in public. :roll:


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Brandin
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25 Jun 2012, 1:51 am

Referring to the OP's example of driving, it's a good thing my parents never did anything to stop me from being independent in that area, because it's a necessity due to where I live. There is no public transportation here, and to have a maintainable existence, one must drive. This is also one area in which I have had little issue -- driving might be tiring sometimes (though this could be due to other problems), but I have always been able to do it passingly well. I have seen far worse drivers in the NT population, and been in the passenger seat with several of them, haha!

I'm siding with the opinion in this thread that it's bad to overprotect aspie kids. In doing so, one not only limits the possibility of being independent, but also creates the chance that they might never discover natural strengths considered atypical for autistic kids. No matter what happens, parents pass at some point, and noone is going to care as much as they do; therefore, teaching a kid to survive on his own is one of the best lessons a parent can teach.



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25 Jun 2012, 6:11 am

CuriousKitten wrote:
imho: overprotection is never good for anyone involved.

. . . but neither am I a fan of the sink or swim method that was the default for my generation.


I would agree with this. I am in the process of trying to meet the equilibrium but it's tricky...


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25 Jun 2012, 6:13 am

Callista wrote:
Very frustrating, yes. Sometimes people assume I am incompetent, do things for me, and then get confused because I can't do them. Well, duh; you're jumping in and doing them for me before I have a chance to figure them out for myself!

But I have the opposite problem more often: People assume that I'm high-functioning and can't have any of the problems they associated with low-functioning. As a result they end up getting confused, disappointed, or angry when I mess up at something that I suck at doing, because apparently I'm not supposed to suck at it.

I wish they'd just listen to me when I say I need help with one thing and not the other. I'm the one living in my head; I ought to know.


I have this problem too. Sometimes I will joke about or attempt to get solidarity about a common issue, and all I will get back is an explanation of how to solve the issue, leaving me confused as to why they thought I needed to explain it.