Help:Feelings of Insecurity/Jealously with Friendship (Long)

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Hi, I am looking for some advice from others who may struggle with these feelings as I do.
Now...prior to this post...I did make a journal entry and sounded it out myself...BUT insight from others always helps in these matters. Please note this person knows I have AS and has been very compassionate.

Background:
-I am in my late 20s and have struggled to make friends. The past two years I have lived at home without any friends or work. I recently made a real good friend...but I am noticing some unpleasant thoughts emerging.

When I have had friends before, I have had it where after awhile I begin to get insecure, leading to petty jealousness and being anti-social. When I become friends with somebody, I begin to get possessive.

-If I hear stories about them with other people….if other people happen to join the crowd when we are hanging out…if other people are invited…I feel an urge, anxiety, inside of me.

-I worry though when somebody else is receiving this treatment…that I am being phased out. I worry this new person or old person is somehow taking my spot. I worry too if my friend is nice as he has been to me…to somebody else…that somehow it dilutes what he has done to me. That instead of him really liking me and being special to me….this is the standard way he is…and that maybe I am not so special…maybe this comes and goes….and maybe my spot is less secure that I have been living off.
(Obviously more so than an NT....I think I when I have a friend it really means A LOT to me...NOT sexual...but emotional more than just a casual friend)...is this normal for people with AS?)


Examples:
1) I noticed this counterproductive tendency this week on a few occasions.
-While hanging out with my friend....he was telling me about hanging out and watching hockey with another person in April. This other person does not like me…or at least is really not open to me…and when I hear that it makes me full on anxiety thinking about how sad, lonely, and empty my life was then versus now…and how vulnerable I am to being ignored again while somebody else takes my spot.

2) I noticed this same thing this week on Monday when my friend so another person he is casually friends with as we were out.with -When I was over there I couldn’t help but get somewhat protective and possessive when the other person was telling my friend he might have been able to help move and he might have been able to help him fix his property. I guess it made me feel like a baby since I am not as mature…I do not have a steady job, income. I was very awkwardly quiet during the conversation and almost unfriendly.

3) This reminds me of a prior person who when we did out places and he saw other people to the gym and Russel was there, I would get jealous and be unfriendly and awkward…I just felt like hanging out was special, it made me cool and worth something, and perhaps it was not so special and my spot not so secure…it was threatened…when I behave this way it is mean, anti-social, and nothing but bad for me, and others.


4) Years ago with a different person...I was possessive. During a get together with others...I barely acknowledged the other people.


What I told myself:
1) First, it feels me with negativity. Instead of me enjoying the moment, I am full of fear, catastrophic about the future.
2) Second, all it does is strengthen the connection neural.
3) Third, it shows an ugly side me of and can change the nature of the friendship. Instead of being loose, relaxed, and perhaps using it as a bolster to being more comfortable with people and developing more friends…it makes me a lot more of somebody clinging…and it turns others away. It is rude…I am treating a friendship like a possesion…a possesion I did not buy, own, nor one that I am entitled to in anyway shape or form. It is mean to other people as I am trying to prevent them from having a friend due to my own insecurity. How would I like it if people who had friends were so insolar that they had no other friends or life outside me? Guess what…it would PREVENT me from ever having any friends….a person being open and friendly to others is the type of person who I can be friends with…because having nobody prior…well that would close an opporrunity for me. So it is hypocritical to act this way; I should have more control and compassion.
4) There are consequences. People may show sympathy and believe I am good guy and a good friend…but when I act on my own irrational insecurities they instead see a jealous, selfish, baby. Instead of being friends and wanting to help me…they will think “He gets what he deserves.”

Listen….when I behave this way I am behaving weird and anti-social. It makes ME unhappy, it re-wires me from being a chill, normal guy to one who is a jealous girlfriend and thus the friendship becomes about status and control, from my side, instead of being a friend, mature, adult, having fun.

I have been aware and in control...when I first meet and before getting it was all about, just fun? I said to myself instead of acting out of fear...don't...better to MISS an opportunity with a friend than RUIN a friendship you know?


What I said to Do:
1) Get a hold of yourself and remember your behavior in May. The "I'd rather miss out then ruin an opportunity"....hence if the thought is true...it'd be better not to act...because I am NOT that person

2)Recognize this is a cognitive distortion. It is all in your head.

- Recognize the consequences....having AS is no excuse...you can't tattle, hissy fit, or be jealous, selfish...you can be understood for being shy with ok eye contact...but like you did in May the rest won't fly

3) Don't act on it

-If you do...it will only strengthen the neural connection...thus leading to more and more worries and need for re-assurance

-It will transform cognitively the friendship from being laid back, secure, chill and about being a friend and fun to being about status, control, and negativity

-It becomes a self-fulfilling prophacy...like in May if you do nothing you are fine...if you act on this by nature it will NEVER help and only lead to you looking petty, immature, jealous, and mean...and you are A GOOD man, a good, compassionate, caring friend...it also makes you feel negative and unhappy

4)Carry on pro-socially. Don't be anti-social...that only makes your MORE needy and dependent...it is wrong, not you who is social and denies you and others the chance for other relationships and happiness

5) This about being a friend and fun. This is not about you and your insecure feelings it is about your friend and mutal happiness and having this emotion be acted on does no good. Don't be monotropic!

6) Again just remember how either your friend is your friend or not...nobody can replace a friend if he is a true friend. Hence once more it would be better if you did not act on this thought, and trusted your friend...as it will dimish the fear and improve the connection...and if this is true...and it isn't...then so be it...better to miss than Ruin!


Questions:
I have not messed up yet....but I have allowed my brain to let this thought slip in. I have become less talkative and social to others....fearing stupidly if I am close with others it dilutes how close I am with my friend.
I am tired of being lonely and desire a close friend....I don't want to mess it up....I'd like to know:

1) Is this normal for people with AS?
-Part of it is I have never really found a good, long lasting buddy.
-I recognize having no other close friends...this can happen BUT I must control it!

2) How do you cope and manage?
-EVERYTIME I make a friend this happens...how can I deal with these feelings and make them stop/have no power?

3) Are my thoughts on this correct and will in time these bad thoughts go away?
-Any other tips?

4) My friend has asked me about AS....I wonder if I should talk about this...maybe specific or not on how I have these feelings as part of it.

I can relate to much of what you said, especially when I was younger. I haven't really had any friends for years now, I'm 29, so this really doesn't come up for me that often. If I suddenly had a friend, would I feel this way? At this point in life, I don't believe so. But certainly as a kid in school or a teenager, I never had good, long lasting buddies, and the few times I did, I would feel worried when my only friend would give social, friendly attention to someone other then myself.


It's been so long since I've had a meaningful friendship, that these feelings don't really come up. I kind of feel like now, any friend I could make would already have other friends, so I'd never let myself get deluded into thinking I was the only one. Plus, I actually don't really want friends, but it would be nice to have some casual acquaintances who accepted me.


I can only speak for myself. Your thoughts probably are correct. I don't want to sound negative, because I could be wrong here, but chances are you'll never have that "best friend" type relationship. But then again, if you're pushing 30, the days of a best friend for the average male tend to be over anyway. So I don't think it's really even possible to find a brand new friend to be your sole buddy at this point in life, because most men are past that stage. Maybe lack of a girlfriend is the bigger problem and you're using male friendship to cope? I dunno.



Depends on how much of a friend you consider him to be. He might see you as some kind of burden. He might think, "gee, I thought we were just friends, but if there's all this complicated crap involved, and this AS thing, it's too much for me to handle." He'll come to think every time he interacts with you that he has to walk on eggshells. Even if he's willing to do this, it won't feel like a natural friendship, and you'll push him away.

Personally, there are a few people I worked with up until recently that I got along with and went out with drinking a few times. I wonder if I should call them. I think, "do they really want to hear from me now, or am I a footnote to them?" And I also think, "I like the idea of socializing, but when I'm actually there it can be draining, do I really want to do it?" I wonder if I'm trying to prove to myself that I can do it, which means that it's not something I'm doing naturally for pleasure, and I think people pick up on that.

So this feeling is normal for a person with AS? Why and what is it all about?



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I found that a bit negative actually. I don't see why pushing late 20s one can't have great close friends...nor do I want a sole buddy...I'd like a close buddy but I'd also like to be a part of a group of friends.
I want closeness but I also want it to be a normal friendship not monotropic on me, my problems, and constantly needing re-assurance.




He is the one who has brought up AS to me...we have discussed some of my symptoms before...he has told me stories about his life and challenges....only recently did I bring up mine.
See part of it is...so far I have been on my best behavior...he couldn't tell I had AS...just that I had poor eye contact. But as it becomes less superficial and more close...sometimes I find me not exposing myself...me not sharing my life stories and my demons...makes it hard to connect...but at the same time I worry as with other relationships...it will become something I dwell on and the friendship change from casual and fun....to my issues and negative, awkward.

He's opened up for me, and I just wonder if I should open up and share geniunially this issue with him to help him know me and me work through it. Sometimes if you always are on your best behavior....you feel like Dexter and can't get close.

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Yes, I said it might sound negative, so I bolded both here in the quotes. Anyway, by the late 20s, many men are beginning to settle down. Their girlfriends and potential families take precedence over forming new friendship with a "close" male friend. Many of their close male friends are people they've met and bonded with earlier in life. So, it may not be impossible, but it'd be very difficult at this age to find a guy looking for a new close friend. Maybe this is a theory of mind problem you have, I dunno.

Everything you said in your post from start to finish rings true to me as well. It's a horrible battle that I am still struggling with. It seems that the closer I am to the person the worse I become in this regard. I take the words "best friend" very seriously and if I see other people in the picture I feel like my rank is threatened in a way, and if my best friend acts the same to these other people as she does to me then I feel like I'm not as special as I thought I was.

I know it's illogical and possessive to feel this way but when it starts up it completely takes over and makes me feel very negative and bitter inside.

What do you suggest to help cope with this?
I found writing reading Nick Dubin's book, then writing a journal entry, helpful.
I try to say to myself these are irrational thoughts which always come up with anybody therefore they are not true, and to keep acting like myself, the good.

Me too.

Is this the Aspie norm?

I'm curious if this the norm; if so why and how to cope?