Hi--New here--Small talk phobia

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Hi. I'm really glad I found my own planet because I never belonged on that "other" one. I am AS and 53. Found out I was AS when we adopted a child with PDD-NOS. Can we say, "I relate?" And my life has been one of a whirlwind of confusion, getting people mad at me without knowing why, being taken advantage of, having trouble holding jobs, face blindness, getting lost while driving--are we having fun yet???

One of my biggest problems is small talk. I avoid crowds and parties when I can because I hate them. If necessary, I'll bring a good book, stick it in my purse, and take several bathroom breaks to calm down and read in there. Nobody ever seems to notice I've been gone. Small talk is the horror of my life. I not only don't know how to do it, I think it's pointless and useless and boring, and I'm afraid that comes across. When I smile, look into somebody's eyes (which is hard for me) and ask, "So what do you do for a living?" maybe I'm selfish, but I DON'T CARE!! ! Chances that I'll ever see the person again are usually small, and this inane chit chat seems like a waste of time. I am so freaked when I do it that, rather than hearing the answer, my heart is racing and I'm trying to forumulate the next inane question I'll have to ask. Often I flub up and I'm sure they're thinking "she's weird." I'm way past caring if people think I'm weird, but I hate to play silly social games. At the same time, sometimes I have to. Anyone figure out how to flub his/her way through small talk? Anyone else confused about these NT rules of life, like I've always been? My son is being taught to be able to do all these things I can't, but I'm not s ure he's ever going to master it.

I do pretty well 1-1. In crowds, I'm screwed

Welcome to WP!

Tim

Welcome welcome

Really?? I'm the exact opposite. I can handle crowds better because then there is less pressure on me to direct conversation. I can just listen to what everyone else is talking about and provide input (or daydream away without anyone noticing) when I want. Everybody else is too busy talking to other people.
Whereas on on one conversation is hard for me coz I have to ask questions and try to provide equal input in the amount of conversation. (unless the person I'm with is an absolute chatterbox, then I can sit back and listen only)

Anyway, Welcome to WP

Welcome to wrong planet. Yes I loathe smalltalk it really is boring and so depressing because its usually fake. When people say how are you I've only just realised they don't "actually" want to know! I can chat to people but I usually say something bizarre which scares them, I do this purely to entertain myself amongst the inane chit chat! A crowd of people talking is hell because I can't tell who is saying what. Welcome to the forum!

Hi Aspie94,

Welcome to WP.

Hope you enjoy it here.

Thanks Oh, I'm not that great 1-1 unless I know the person well. There are times I literally panic thinking of what to say next. But I am careful who I go 1-1 with. In a group, somebody will invariably ask me "And what do you do for a living?" and a bunch of other questjions they don't care about and then the entire crowd is staring at me, and they're also expecting me to ask the same questions that I don't care about. I feel like the whole world is looking at me, and I tend to flub up under the spotlight.

Welcome to WP. I have not been on for a while, but thought I'd spend a bit of time this evening.

I hate, and am not much good, at small talk too. I more often than not forget to ask the questions like ‘What do you do for a living? Do you have any children? It makes no difference to me what people do for a living or if they have children.

If they have a foreign accent, I ask where they are from as I am genuinly interested, as I like travelling, and that can be a way for me to progress small talk into a discussion. With people in general I might just ask them if they have any holidays booked as a way to maybe open a discussion on travel.

I find discussions on travel lead to discusssions on culture and that onto religion and then who knows what, but small talk then just melts away.

I often bring books into crowd situations because I don't like talking to other people. Sometimes but not usually I will get claustrophobic. On the other hand occasionally I will feel the need to be around someone if I have been alone for to long. This doesn't mean will need to talk to them (although fortunately I have a friend for that now). I will bring a book to read a restaurant if I need some people in the area.

Hmm well welcome to WP you certainly seem to fit in

An mp3 player and / or cell phone with games on it are an excellent way to avoid stupid, pointless, annoying small-talk. (HEY! "SPAST" is a great acronym for it!). That's what I do when i have to go meet my bf after work (he works in a pub, so you can imgine the SPAST that goes on in there!)

And your son may learn... social rules and these things can be memorized / practiced, and the more of that you do the better you can get. he'll never be completely like all the other kids, but why would you want that? As long as he's happy.

welcome, from someone who also keeps a book in her purse.

"I do pretty well 1-1. In crowds, I'm screwed"

In HUGE crowds its awesome for me, the anonymity allows me to dance, act like a monkey etc.

1 on 1 I tend to talk too much, or too little, depending on topic.. When I obsessed with a partner (only way I've been able to be close to someone) I tended to always blab about certain passions, which funnily enough inspired them to create in the end, but also annoyed them. It feels like an info dump sometimes when I'm comfortable, I can't seem to stop until its finished.

In small groups I'm probably worst off, I don't know how they jump conversations so swiftly, or how they know what each other is talking about, half the time it feels like they're talking about nothing!

It took me a while to realise a lot of people socialise simply to socialise, while I'm trying to send/receive information, often its just not compatible.

Hi, and welcome to WP Aspie94

I hope you find what you are searching

Oh yes, me too, especially when I have to travel by train.

I am avoiding a thanksgiving gathering because of this..."the horror"<----as said by Marlon Brando in Apocalyps Now.I had to tell my boyfriend I couldnt go because I had an upset stomach and felt light- headed.Which is not a lie,thats what social anxiety does to me(he knows it is AS but it gives him an excuse for his friends).I was expecting a huge argument but he let me off the hook this time.

One of the problems with making small talk is that my brain is constantly thinking about my current obsession(currently autism and AS)and I have to try and "talk over" my own thoughts...which is very difficult.If I could just talk about what I am thinking about and the person knew something or was interested in the topic....doesnt happen very often.

Wish I had a solution for you.....mine is simply avoidance.